I was sexual abused back when I was 6-12 and then again at age 16-20 why? why? Becuase of this I was left not knowing true love, quilt, shame, self blame, fear, lonlyness, isalation, anger, most of all the enablilite to she intermicy, allow anyone to hug, kiss on me. I was left to think I was gay, and it was all my doing, carried this for many years, it has caused me to go through two marrige all ready, it is making my 3rd hard on her and me, because of the many issues I have fron this one act of sexual abuse. Trust, intermicy, hate sex, pull away when my wife want to love up on me, I lied for many years, about everything, cheated on my wife, had gay friends, slepped with man to make end meet, I was under my sexual abuse control for many yr. Why why after so many yr

I wish I could give you an easy answer that would satisfy all of those questions.

I sometimes find myself delving into that question of "Why?" It is difficult for me to go there without blaming myself right now, and so I try not to. But know that you are not alone in the pursuit of such answers.

It sounds like you are really hurting and feeling a lot of pain. I hope you have a therapist who can help you deal with the hurt in a methodical way and encourage you to cope in healthier ways. People who have been doing this a lot longer than I have tell me that mourning is the first step... I don't even know if I have truly gone there myself. All I can really say is you're not alone. Not at all.

Peter

Hi Dover,

How we got into the ditch of life isn't as important as getting out:

I will never be able to change what happened-but I can change me and the way I live life-especially not repeating the mistakes of the past that can haunt me.

You seem to have a good idea of bow the abuse affected you-please know you can heal and make progress in reclaiming your life-one piece and one day at a time.

There is help and guidance available-seek it out and rely on your brothers here at MS to share what works for them.