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#362908 - 05/24/11 12:25 PM Flashing Back To Childhood
rocker80 Offline


Registered: 05/11/11
Posts: 17
Loc: Minnesota
I have been going through an emotional rollercoaster from hell the past few weeks. I am just beginning to recognize that I may be experiencing flash backs from childhood. I am not getting any images but strong feelings and emotional reactions. I go from feeling okay to suddenly strong feelings of shame strike out of nowhere. I being to sense that feeling of being "Damaged Goods" and suddenly It becomes my sense of identity. At this point I am no longer human. I become an object. I can't even begin to describe the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, loss of sense of purpose and meaning for my life, fear beyond imagine, extreme sadness, a feeling that I don't have a right to be here and then emotional pain on a scale of 0 to 10 strikes at about 1000. This is when suicidal ideation comes into play and at times I just want to end the pain and suffering. I have had so many suicidal thoughts and felt suicidal at times in the past few weeks. I ended up checking myself into a mood disorder clinic and I am glad I did this for myself. What I am finding out is that I think I am flashing back and then suddenly I am that three or four year old child experiencing all these strong negative emotions. I wonder if I am close to uncovering some of the truth of what happened to me back then. I have pretty much blocked out most of my childhood and maybe some memories will start coming back. Just needed to vent some thoughts and feelings. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

Dave S.

_________________________
rocker80

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#362910 - 05/24/11 01:12 PM Re: Flashing Back To Childhood [Re: rocker80]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Dave,

Powerful and eloquent post!

I was in this same place 16 months ago: it seems you already realize the larger truth going on:

"I think I am flashing back and then suddenly I am that three or four year old child experiencing all these strong negative emotions."

At the time of the abuse, these were overpowering, negative, and catastrophic emotions for me. It is still hard to allow myself the space and time and healing sometimes, but that's what the abused part of me needs to let this out in a SAFE and NURTURING environment.

I am learning to trust myself to take care of me: that is 100% opposite the beliefs I learned growing up.

This is classical trauma healing: so long as you are taking care of yourself in healthy ways, including communicating with others in your support network, not isolating or escaping or numbing out with ..... (name your poison here)- THEN you will make progress and the emotions and shame will weaken their grip and become PART of the story of Dave, and not THE story of Dave.

Many survivors, in my judgment, don't create a safe healing environment to move through this and continue to exacerbate the pain and relive the abuse. It only increases its grip when we continue to act out and isolate-these are familiar patterns entirely forged by our experience.

Recovery is a choice to practice new patterns and let all this negative stuff out intentionally and safely.

I'm glad you posted, as I've been struggling with feeling stuck in the lie of being "damaged goods" lately-the truth is I have options, and the damage is PART of me, not the ENTIRE me.

Thanks for letting me share the better part of me-that of hope, healing, connection, and truth.

Jamie

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#362912 - 05/24/11 01:21 PM Re: Flashing Back To Childhood [Re: rocker80]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6819
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: rocker80
I have been going through an emotional rollercoaster from hell the past few weeks.

Dave, What interesting word choice.
Originally Posted By: rocker80
I am just beginning to recognize that I may be experiencing flash backs from childhood. I am not getting any images but strong feelings and emotional reactions. I go from feeling okay to suddenly strong feelings of shame strike out of nowhere. I being to sense that feeling of being "Damaged Goods" and suddenly It becomes my sense of identity.

Yes, you are good with words. I don't think anyone understands at this point why it is that when we reach a certain milestone in life the memories start to come out.

The memories, at least a lot of them, are stored in the emotional part of the brain, the amygdala. Somehow we can shut off access to these emotions so that we're unaware of them for a long time. I think this is what would be called repression.
Originally Posted By: rocker80
At this point I am no longer human. I become an object. I can't even begin to describe the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, loss of sense of purpose and meaning for my life, fear beyond imagine, extreme sadness, a feeling that I don't have a right to be here and then emotional pain on a scale of 0 to 10 strikes at about 1000.

It does sound as though you were badly treated when you were a small boy. The emotions you are delving up are emotions you had then, in response to how you were treated. You mention hopeless (you couldn't get away), loss of hope, loss of purpose, great fear, great sadness, a loss of sense of self, and intense emotional pain.
Originally Posted By: rocker80
This is when suicidal ideation comes into play and at times I just want to end the pain and suffering. I have had so many suicidal thoughts and felt suicidal at times in the past few weeks. I ended up checking myself into a mood disorder clinic and I am glad I did this for myself.

I've been told that 4-year-olds don't have suicidial ideation. But I distinctly remember walking out in the Bay until suddenly the water got over my head.

The thought of suicide seems to relieve the extreme pain you experience. I also had this when my memories came up. When it did I made it a practice to just call somebody: my wife, my doctor, my counselor --- just call somebody and get help.
Originally Posted By: rocker80

What I am finding out is that I think I am flashing back and then suddenly I am that three or four year old child experiencing all these strong negative emotions. I wonder if I am close to uncovering some of the truth of what happened to me back then.

Dave, it sure sounds like it to me. That's something that happened to me. I was made the subject of kiddie porn along with some other boys. I then had a string of other things happen.
Originally Posted By: rocker80
I have pretty much blocked out most of my childhood and maybe some memories will start coming back. Just needed to vent some thoughts and feelings. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

Dave S.

Dave,
A lot of your symptoms are reminiscent of me before my memories came back up. I likewise could not remember most of my childhood.

It's a good idea to find a good clinical therapist and start talking things out with him. Then he (or she) will be able to support you as new memories emerge.

A book which has helped me a lot and it's roots are at the age you are talking about is: A Fractured Mind, by Robert B. Oxnam.

http://www.amazon.com/Fractured-Mind-Multiple-Personality-Disorder/dp/B000BRYND2/

Allen





Edited by pufferfish (05/24/11 01:23 PM)

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#362913 - 05/24/11 01:48 PM Re: Flashing Back To Childhood [Re: pufferfish]
rocker80 Offline


Registered: 05/11/11
Posts: 17
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks for your comment. I am seeing a therapist right now and just started attending a DBT Group. Thanks for the book referral. I will check it out.

Dave S.

_________________________
rocker80

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#362952 - 05/25/11 01:50 AM Re: Flashing Back To Childhood [Re: rocker80]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
I had panic attacks most my life. Not quite as bad as what you describe. I had some panic attacks like what you described just before the flash backs started… The panic attacks like you describe evolved into flashbacks instead.

This should walk you through the process you are about to begin,

http://www.ascasupport.org/_html_manuals/survivortothriver/index.html

You are Here -> Page 61 Step One I am in a breakthrough crisis, having gained some sense of my abuse.

You need to take a few steps back and start here -> Page 14 Chapter 2 - Safety First!


You may actually want to start at the beginning, but I want to emphases that you need to get your support system in place first. Its been 17 months since I was where your at, I am on step 18 of 21. You are far from alone, many others have walked the path you are about to embark on.

_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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