Like many of you I was a young boy, 12 years old or so. Broken home, alcoholic parents, 4 other siblings, all of us just wanting a little attention. So when my parents moved for what felt like the tenth time in three years, I had the opportunity to stay. My hockey coach offered to help out so I could finish my school year. So I jumped at the chance, and why not he was nice to me, showed interest in me, bought me things, took me out for meals, and showed a geneal interest.
Things were good at first, nothing unusual just hanging out, but as time progressed he started to offer alcohol to me and some times to other friends. He would dare us to drink lots, play drinking games. Nothing happened then either, but as time progressed the alcohol became more frequent, and then came the wrestling. At first I think it was for intimidation, headlocks until I gave up, arm bars. leg locks. all the stuff he told me he learned in the army. The wierest move was grabbing my testicals until I gave up, this happened many times during our daily feats of strength.
These antics took place for months, then progressed. At his hunt camp one night, we were alone, he had been offering booze all day. they were strong...very strong. After awile I couldnt take it anymore and passed out on one of the beds. I don't know how long I was out but all I remember is waking up to him laying behind me and reaching around to masturbate me. I didn't know what to do, in shock...scared..drunk...and completly embarassed and a deep feeling of shame, I said nothing.....I can remember him saying "its ok" "Its natural" you can cum......I'll help you cum. I can still feel his beard on my neck, his hairy chest on my back, the smell of whiskey on his breath. I had never had sex before, but I knew I liked girls..I tried to visualise something other than what was taking place at that moment......but it didnt seem to help.....it seems like forever.....the smell, the sweat, the whispers in my ear, the shame.....it felt forever. After I finally had an orgasm, he reassured me that it was ok.....he asked if I was ok, if I liked it......I never anserwed.
The next mornng you could hear a pin drop....it was so deafening...very silent. After some mindless chit chat, he assured me that what he did was a result of the booze and his showing affection for me. He assured me it would not happen again. He offered his hand in appologie.....and I shook it. Why did I shake it?. How could I, it was no like I was in a conspiracy, involved in a crime and couldn't tell anyone.
Things we weird for awhile, I took off went home. Well to where my parents lived...I had no room, no clothes, no belongings. Before long I was back at "his" place....well at least I had a bed, I had food, TV, snowmobiles,ATV's all to use whenever I wanted. The gifts were always frequent, new jackets, new helmet, new gun, new boots....and lots of other things. But looking back I could only use this stuff there.....He was rather smart....shower me with gifts that could only be used when he was around.
The parties started up again soon after I returned, all the guys, under age drinkin...it was the place to hang out. We would pass out all over the place....he was cool. Thats what all the guys thought. Nothing ever happened when they were around.I think they thought I was luckey......and in some way I thought I was luckey....for the first time in my life I had a core group of friends and they all wanted to hang at my place. I was cool, and we had some good times.
But they werent always there. I was there.....he was there and so was the booze. Over the next few years, I was abused in the same way, mostly masturbation of me.....then to him....then to some oral on me....and then to him..he forced my mouth onto him. Always drunk...always ashamed, always alone, always no were else to go.
I finally had a growing spurt at age 14-15ish, I went from 120 to 160lbs that year, the wresteling matches not always ended the way he wanted. Some times I would win. I remember his famous move...I grapped his testicles and squeesed. I squeesed so hard I wanted him to die...I wanted him to quit. As I got older I started to work and get out more. I became more independent and required less from him. I eventually moved back to my parents, but still remained friends. This part is still confusing to me. why did I still remain his friend? I guess I thought if it all looked natural...no one would suspect that I had done all those shameful acts.
I moved on graduated from college, and married my sweetheart. I never expected to fall in love...or have someone love me the way she does. We have a good life, 2 great kids, but I struggle, I feel asthough I dont deserve any of it, that if she was to find out she would see that Im worthless, a nothing and a disgrace.....she would be ashamed of the things I done. she would never be able to look at me the same.
So I had to hide it. Never tell a sole, I had to protect her keep her safe...make her want me...look after her...do it all. be the man.....she was a princess and I was her prince....the prince who provided everything.
To do this I had to be sneaky, I had to lie, I had to be dishonest, I had to protect he from hurt. I had to protect he from bills, debt. I couldnt let her know....she would find out the real me the looser me. well she found out...and I never told he about the abuse. i told her it was stress,I had a hard time with money. I wasnt paying attention....we worked it out.
Many years had passed no problems....until recently a family member was killed. It caused a lot of stress, the stress progressed, I felt that all small issues were turning into huge problems. we were drifting apart....I was not loving, or affectioate. I turned to internet porn as a quick escape from reality...after all, these girls did not know me. they couldnt judge me. After watching the porn I would feel even worse...my wife had only a few conditions. no cheating.no porn and honesty. Here I was breaking them all. She caught me in the lie, she knew I was online....my life was spinning out of control, I tried to lie to fix it, I tried to change the contents on the computer, I just kept getting in deeper and deeper.
I knew it was the end, she was going......but even then I didn't want to tell...I almost didn't, I thought we could have one of the divorces were they are still friends......but I need her...she made me the way I am...I could have been a lot worse...but she made me better.....so i told he about the abuse. And she is here, beside me as I TYPE THIS NOTE.
For 20 years I kept it in, for 15 years of marrage I was not all there....a little piece of me was missing......the piece that gave me confidence, srength, the piece that would tell me it wasn't my fault....the piece that said...don't be ashamed. This missing piece caused me stress...caused me to loose valuable years off my life. This piece caused me to involve my love ones.....who have no business being in it...but now are. This piece made me lie....lie lots.
I want this piece back......I will be happy, I will gain my confidence back, I will not be to blame......I was only a kid....I will regain the trust of my wife.....we will get stronger together.....we will take back what was stolen from us.
Thanks for listening.....well reading...I know its long. but it makes me feel better writting it.