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#362937 - 05/24/11 08:07 PM Which way do I go?
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
Hi all...
I'm new here. My husbands SA was confirmed this weekend. We have been married 15+ years and I thought I knew everything. There was physical and pychological abuse as well. He DOES NOT want to talk about it.
Well, I know he needs help. All the puzzle pieces are fitting together in coorelation with his behavior.
What are some ways to help, acknowlegde, heal, open this can of worms...ect????
He got down right crappy when I tried to press the issue.
Can a man heal on his own from this?
Does it not manifest itself in other ways regardless of how well he suppresses it?
I know that I am at the tip of the iceburg here from what I have already researched, but I really need some wisdom!!!!

Thank you in advance.

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#362938 - 05/24/11 08:26 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: SpideySense]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Hi Spidey,

First of all, it is good for you that you're on here seeking support on this topic. Even if your husband insists on going through this alone, there is no reason for you to be alone. Can I ask how the sexual abuse was confirmed? Did he come forward, voluntarily disclosing the info to you, or was it passed on to you from someone else? Either way, the best thing you can do is to offer the same unconditional love you promised to him on your wedding day. Speak to him from the heart, and simply say that you are willing to do whatever you can to help him when he is ready and only when he is ready, and that you will love him no matter what.

When I told my wife that I was raped (it happened after we got married), she noticed that I wasn't acting like my normal self, however she had no idea I had been raped. She had a "before" picture to compare me to, but as for childhood sexual abuse, the "signs" are a little different.

TO give you a man's perspective, as understanding as many wives can be about sexual abuse, it is not always easy discussing it with women. He might not want to hurt you or disturb you with the details. He also might be feeling very vulnerable, and it might take a little time for him to open up more. However, if he voluntarily disclosed to you, it must mean that he trusts you with that knowledge. Guard that trust with your kind and gentle spirit.

Peter

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#362951 - 05/25/11 01:49 AM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: CruxFidelis]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
Peter,
Thanks again for your kind words.
No, it was an admission by ommision type of thing....and omg, right then I knew I knew I knew. We have been there for one another on so many levels about other issues in our lives.
I love him dearly.BUT.....
the manipulations and lies through the years....I am scared that now that he knows that I know I feel this will cause a trigger. I mean, I have many fears, this is just one.
I have every intention of standing by him, but I do not wish to feel used and verbally abused and I don't know for sure if he even understands how this has dominated his life choices.
How can one fix something they won't even acknowlege? All the love and support I provide will never take it away, it will never fix anything....only placate the manifestations of his undealt with past.
Therefore, I am here for him. I am scared(and mad as hell at her). Really, I am all over the place right now.

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#362955 - 05/25/11 08:37 AM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: SpideySense]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
Spidey,
I agree with Peter. It is really difficult to discuss the issues with others, often those closest to us. From my experience, it is easier to isolate and desire to "go it alone". The last thing I need is for my wife to press the issues. When that has happened in the past, I REALLY isolate and run away emotionally. We are currently in couples therapy and we both have our own therapists we work with. I have dealt with the issues for over 25 years off and on. I had a couple life events that really forced me to look at the issues about a year ago and am now seriously working to heal. Each person has their own healing path that they must follow. I have learned this over the past 2 1/2 years after my wife was the victim of a pedestrian hit and run. She had brain surgery and was not expected to live. However, after taking care of everything for her for the first year, there came a point when she said that she could take care of herself! Being a caretaker at heart, I found this difficult. Then I realized that I needed to stand by her the way I expect her to stand by me as we face our life lessons. We both continue to heal with each other's support (standing by each other, but not pushing). Sounds easier than it actually is as I would love to tell her what to do to be better! I wish you all the best in your healing path.

_________________________
Allan
________________________
WOR Sequoia 2011--it has changed my life!

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#362956 - 05/25/11 08:43 AM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: ACRoberts]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Quote:
Can a man heal on his own from this?

As many survivors here will tell you, it's not a "do it yourself" job.

If he could have healed it on his own, he WOULD have healed himself.

You need help from friends and professionals in this situation.


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#362960 - 05/25/11 11:33 AM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
I know I am going to need counsuling....I have no doubts about that.
I only feel the need to know two details....
When did it start?
How long did it go on?
I don't want ANY of the lurid details.
Are these two items a difficult thing to divulge?
Am I wrong in wanting to know anything?
What happens if it is never ever brought up again?
Again, thank you for any and all suggestions.

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#362962 - 05/25/11 12:01 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: SpideySense]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@Spidey, it's not wrong to want to know these things, but I wouldn't press the issue right now. Honestly, if he knows he can trust you to let him do things at his own pace, he is more likely to talk to you about what happened.

Glad you are here for support.


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#362963 - 05/25/11 12:07 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: SpideySense]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
It is his story to tell, and only his.

Isolation can be tempting to a sexual abuse survivor for a number of reasons. Relying on the support of others is not easy for a man. When I was raped about a year & a half ago, I buried that knowledge inside because I thought I would just get past it and there was no reason to trigger my wife with my own experience with sexual violence. The idea of admitting that sexual assault isn't something you can shake off and "get over" felt like weakness to me, and still feels that way. However, I have found that when I withstand that little sting of vulnerability, my wife has been a wonderful support, and her words are like a healing balm on all of those wounds caused by the rapist.

Keeping his story inside can also be a source of power and control for him. Sexual abuse/assault can often take away the control we have over our own bodies. I wasn't abused in childhood but the stories I have heard tell me that it often causes children to grow up feeling powerless and like they will never have control over their own destiny in life. Perhaps keeping this abuse inside has been your husband's only source of control and if he gives you full disclosure (which it seems like you deeply desire) it might cause some of the emotional "structures" in his life to fall apart. Clearly, it is not something to go through alone and a therapist will be able to help you to cope in a healthy way.

I am sorry he hasn't treated you well, and you do not deserve manipulation, lying, verbal abuse, any of that. Remember that abuse/assault can be an explanation for such behaviors but it is not an excuse. He needs to take responsibility for the way he behaves towards you and there is just no reason to ever mistreat your spouse like that.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#362965 - 05/25/11 12:38 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: CruxFidelis]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
@Crux, NO! I do not desire the details.
I do not care for that mental image!!!!!
I really want to know the duration.
Is that wrong?
I feel that it was wrong no matter what exactly happened.
And, I agree that knowing details can and will unravel his coping mechinisms.
I will wait.
I can do that.
I, unfortunatley, have my own emotions to handle in the meantime.
This is hard.
It is breaking my heart.

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#362966 - 05/25/11 12:47 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: SpideySense]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I'm sorry if I misunderstood your words. Sometimes my brain doesn't always work so well.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#362967 - 05/25/11 01:07 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: CruxFidelis]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
No need to appologize! I just wanted to make myself clear.
:-)

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#362972 - 05/25/11 02:17 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: SpideySense]
ren42 Offline


Registered: 03/26/11
Posts: 54
.


Edited by ren42 (12/29/12 10:23 PM)

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#362973 - 05/25/11 02:27 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: ren42]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
@Ren,
Thank you! I know this is what I need to do.
I will do this.
I do fear that he knows not what he does by way of acting out.
He has done so before, though I did not completely understand why.

Long story short, I drew a line in the sand on this issue.
Therefore, I fear him crossing this boundry and feel powerless to do anything about it.
Such is life........

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#363031 - 05/26/11 02:51 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: SpideySense]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Spidy, Ren42 has wise words
I think you need to know what it is like for the H
I am a CSA survivor and you need to understand how it works. The lies and deception are all part of our survival.
I felt that if the secret got out, I would not be seen as a real man.
People often think that the abused go on to become the abusers, and by default we are all potential Pedophiles, this is another reason to be quite about it.
My wife might think I'm gay, and leave me.
My perpetrators threats still ring in my ears.
My friends may leave us, because they think there is something wrong with me.
Love for me can be Surreal as it is a screwed version of the real thing.
Sex was always a weapon rather than what it should be.
With sex came the threats.
Intimacy is a concept I don't understand.
Now do you get a slight idea as to why your H is afraid?
What can you do to help. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, him. Show him he still matters, that he is valuable, and worthy of love, and then slowly encourage him to confront his demons.
Trying to find out all the details is for your healing, and YES it is IMPORTANT, but you need to give H the time and the space and the security to tell his story.
I know that there is a lot of rage there, possibly a little to much drink, mood swings, self destructive behavior, and self sabotage. This for me was the beginning of the end of my secrets.
Remember I lived a lie for 37 years, and it does not change over night, But healing IS DEFINITELY POSSIBLE.
GOD SPEED.
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#363045 - 05/26/11 06:39 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: whome]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
Thanks for the replies!!!
I think that I am begining to understand that my big issue is my codependence on him and that he hasn't had any issues sexually. Always more hypersexual I guess you'd call it.
So.......
I want to be sure he isn't out having sex with a million people....and I can't.
Therefore, I FEEL very powerless right now.
I'm not dumb. I know I have to take my power back.
I know I have to learn to be able to reassure myself AND be ok with that.I know that I need to get help for myself.
Honestly, I don't like it.
I'm feeling
down
down
down......
:-(

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#363069 - 05/26/11 11:59 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: SpideySense]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: SpideySense
I do not desire the details.


I had funny little reactions to these issues when I was hit by them. These reactions are NOT directed to you Spidey. "YOU can't handle the details of horror...but I could as a little boy??? I was supposed to keep a siloh of horror on my own as a child and YOU can't handle the details? What does THAT tell you?"

Originally Posted By: SpideySense
I really want to know the duration.


"WHY...you wondering if I let it go on for too long??? Wondering if I could have stopped it sooner? Do you think I was complicit? Do you think if I let it go on for TOO long, I became TOO damaged?"

Yeah...its a mine-field to tread. Its why you may wamma hang out here for a while.

Sorry if this was a scary reply for you or too in your face, but you might face worse...though I've been an edgy little bastard since the abuse ended.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#363071 - 05/27/11 12:26 AM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@Robbie, just to throw my two cents in, if I wanted to know the duration, I'd probably say it's because I want to understand his pain better...and understand him now. NOT because I'd ever, EVER blame him for "letting" it go on. It was not your fault, not my ex's fault, and no other survivor's fault.



Edited by hope4him (05/27/11 12:26 AM)

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#363072 - 05/27/11 12:41 AM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: hopeandtry]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I do realize that H4H. Its just how I would have interpreted things when my disclosure was new. Sad part is...its exactly how she took it...that is, me being culpable and complicit and enjoying it, and not ending it, and being gay, and it not being all that "un-wanted." "After all Rob, I can see a few incedents before you told, but 7 years???? Yeah...there's a bit of blame on you too." (yes, she really said that)

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#363073 - 05/27/11 12:42 AM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Ugggggggghhhhhh. I'm so sorry, Robbie. That's bullshit. I really don't get people sometimes.


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#363074 - 05/27/11 12:48 AM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: Still]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
@Robbie,
Ya know,I really do appriciate your perspecrive.
I did not see it this way. This gives me a better understanding, and in my defense, I have no malicious intent.
I can see how a survivor in survivor(for the lack of a better word) mode might percieve it that way.
The "details" bit....I have female survivor friends who have shared with me that recounting any details can an usually brings it all back. I respect that any survivor owns their own story , and I did not wish to do any more harm.
And I agree with the next post about the duration....I am trying to understand his pain.
He is hurting bad.
I love him.
I do not want someone I love hurting so bad.
That is my nature.

Again, thank you for your take on it. I did learn something!

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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