Hi all...
I'm new here. My husbands SA was confirmed this weekend. We have been married 15+ years and I thought I knew everything. There was physical and pychological abuse as well. He DOES NOT want to talk about it.
Well, I know he needs help. All the puzzle pieces are fitting together in coorelation with his behavior.
What are some ways to help, acknowlegde, heal, open this can of worms...ect????
He got down right crappy when I tried to press the issue.
Can a man heal on his own from this?
Does it not manifest itself in other ways regardless of how well he suppresses it?
I know that I am at the tip of the iceburg here from what I have already researched, but I really need some wisdom!!!!

Thank you in advance.

Hi Spidey,

First of all, it is good for you that you're on here seeking support on this topic. Even if your husband insists on going through this alone, there is no reason for you to be alone. Can I ask how the sexual abuse was confirmed? Did he come forward, voluntarily disclosing the info to you, or was it passed on to you from someone else? Either way, the best thing you can do is to offer the same unconditional love you promised to him on your wedding day. Speak to him from the heart, and simply say that you are willing to do whatever you can to help him when he is ready and only when he is ready, and that you will love him no matter what.

When I told my wife that I was raped (it happened after we got married), she noticed that I wasn't acting like my normal self, however she had no idea I had been raped. She had a "before" picture to compare me to, but as for childhood sexual abuse, the "signs" are a little different.

TO give you a man's perspective, as understanding as many wives can be about sexual abuse, it is not always easy discussing it with women. He might not want to hurt you or disturb you with the details. He also might be feeling very vulnerable, and it might take a little time for him to open up more. However, if he voluntarily disclosed to you, it must mean that he trusts you with that knowledge. Guard that trust with your kind and gentle spirit.

Peter

Peter,
Thanks again for your kind words.
No, it was an admission by ommision type of thing....and omg, right then I knew I knew I knew. We have been there for one another on so many levels about other issues in our lives.
I love him dearly.BUT.....
the manipulations and lies through the years....I am scared that now that he knows that I know I feel this will cause a trigger. I mean, I have many fears, this is just one.
I have every intention of standing by him, but I do not wish to feel used and verbally abused and I don't know for sure if he even understands how this has dominated his life choices.
How can one fix something they won't even acknowlege? All the love and support I provide will never take it away, it will never fix anything....only placate the manifestations of his undealt with past.
Therefore, I am here for him. I am scared(and mad as hell at her). Really, I am all over the place right now.

Spidey,
I agree with Peter. It is really difficult to discuss the issues with others, often those closest to us. From my experience, it is easier to isolate and desire to "go it alone". The last thing I need is for my wife to press the issues. When that has happened in the past, I REALLY isolate and run away emotionally. We are currently in couples therapy and we both have our own therapists we work with. I have dealt with the issues for over 25 years off and on. I had a couple life events that really forced me to look at the issues about a year ago and am now seriously working to heal. Each person has their own healing path that they must follow. I have learned this over the past 2 1/2 years after my wife was the victim of a pedestrian hit and run. She had brain surgery and was not expected to live. However, after taking care of everything for her for the first year, there came a point when she said that she could take care of herself! Being a caretaker at heart, I found this difficult. Then I realized that I needed to stand by her the way I expect her to stand by me as we face our life lessons. We both continue to heal with each other's support (standing by each other, but not pushing). Sounds easier than it actually is as I would love to tell her what to do to be better! I wish you all the best in your healing path.

As many survivors here will tell you, it's not a "do it yourself" job.

If he could have healed it on his own, he WOULD have healed himself.

You need help from friends and professionals in this situation.

I know I am going to need counsuling....I have no doubts about that.
I only feel the need to know two details....
When did it start?
How long did it go on?
I don't want ANY of the lurid details.
Are these two items a difficult thing to divulge?
Am I wrong in wanting to know anything?
What happens if it is never ever brought up again?
Again, thank you for any and all suggestions.

@Spidey, it's not wrong to want to know these things, but I wouldn't press the issue right now. Honestly, if he knows he can trust you to let him do things at his own pace, he is more likely to talk to you about what happened.

Glad you are here for support.

It is his story to tell, and only his.

Isolation can be tempting to a sexual abuse survivor for a number of reasons. Relying on the support of others is not easy for a man. When I was raped about a year & a half ago, I buried that knowledge inside because I thought I would just get past it and there was no reason to trigger my wife with my own experience with sexual violence. The idea of admitting that sexual assault isn't something you can shake off and "get over" felt like weakness to me, and still feels that way. However, I have found that when I withstand that little sting of vulnerability, my wife has been a wonderful support, and her words are like a healing balm on all of those wounds caused by the rapist.

Keeping his story inside can also be a source of power and control for him. Sexual abuse/assault can often take away the control we have over our own bodies. I wasn't abused in childhood but the stories I have heard tell me that it often causes children to grow up feeling powerless and like they will never have control over their own destiny in life. Perhaps keeping this abuse inside has been your husband's only source of control and if he gives you full disclosure (which it seems like you deeply desire) it might cause some of the emotional "structures" in his life to fall apart. Clearly, it is not something to go through alone and a therapist will be able to help you to cope in a healthy way.

I am sorry he hasn't treated you well, and you do not deserve manipulation, lying, verbal abuse, any of that. Remember that abuse/assault can be an explanation for such behaviors but it is not an excuse. He needs to take responsibility for the way he behaves towards you and there is just no reason to ever mistreat your spouse like that.

@Crux, NO! I do not desire the details.
I do not care for that mental image!!!!!
I really want to know the duration.
Is that wrong?
I feel that it was wrong no matter what exactly happened.
And, I agree that knowing details can and will unravel his coping mechinisms.
I will wait.
I can do that.
I, unfortunatley, have my own emotions to handle in the meantime.
This is hard.
It is breaking my heart.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood your words. Sometimes my brain doesn't always work so well.