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#362584 - 05/20/11 02:46 AM A new life & Hope.
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
****Might be disturbing****Might be triggering****To some.****
Hi, my brothers.

How many of us are dealing with our inner child?

How many of us have learned more about ourselves since their inner child came back to their conscious mind?

All of this stuff returned to my conscious mind back in July of '08. Until that time I never had realised that this sexual stuff was abuse.

I had always thought those things done to me by my 'mom" sexually, was something that mothers do to their sons. I had never considered that to be sexual abuse..Until now.

Little Pete & I have been together since May of '09, when (God) gave him back to me at my first WoR in Georgia. Since then we have been from the infinity of the heavens,to the gate of hell, and everywhere in between.

I have been on that emotional roller coaster ride of my life. In these short two years I have learned more about myself than I ever knew about in my previous 70 on earth.
I have learned why I have lived the life that I have & the reasons & ramifications attached to all of that.
As a immature, emotional, social & sexually confused boy/man. Now having to make the necessary changes in my life. Almost a complete rewiring of my heart, mind, emotions & soul.

Starting with all the abuse from my "mom" mentally, physically, emotionally & sexually. I was unwanted & unlovable. I became her sex toy at 5 years old. I became the "man of the house" at 8 years old. I had firmly believed all my life that what she had drilled into my mind, that i was worthless, useless & would never amount to anything young boy. I kept myself that victim for over 55 years.

However over these past three years (July). Through weekly one on one T sessions for a year. Through a 12 week PTSD mixed group T session. Four WoR's plus you all here, either in those healing circles, or in chat & in the forums. You all have helped me to finally realise who I really am. A person who is lovable, a person of compassion, understanding & love. A worthy and useful human being capable of sharing his love for others.

The most difficult part of my recovery is trying to sever the emotional, physical, mental & sexual attachment to my predominant male abuser. I have made some great strides in severing those attachments to him. As that boy. I had adopted him to be the parent(s), that I never had I was 8 years old. He was just the opposite from my "mom" in every way. He was kind & gentle. He paid attention to me. I had learned to love him with my mind, heart, soul & emotions. We thought that he loved me, with his heart, mind, soul & emotions. He held me in his arms & gave me human warmth. He told me whispering in my ear that he loved me. I told him also whispering in his ear, I love you too. He gave me physical & sexual pleasure. He did things to me that made me feel good. Things that I had to do to him. Things that I went back for over & over again. Things that made me a lovable & useful boy. Things that I had to do for & to him to prove my love for him.
But, to also prove to his "mom" & himself that he indeed was lovable, useful & wanted. He became my lover. My emotional attachment for him was complete. My sexual orientation was already determined. I was going to be the best queer boy for him, in every way. It was just he & I. I was 8-14 years old. Or so I had thought. One time he had me and a little girl (we were about 8 yrs old) in a telephone booth, rubbing our faces into his crotch. Then me and her rubbing ourselves against each other.
I never had anything to with girls/females emotionally in in my youth. Save for those few female friends of the family who had taken a true liking & love for that boy. One aunt whom had done her best for me, as whenever I ran away from "home" and ended up at my boyhood friends house. They would call her & tell her that i'm OK. When she closes the restaurant to come and get me. Then she & her partner would drive me back 30 miles to "home." She would get in some very heated arguments with her half sister over me. She would defend me against her. She truly loved and cared for this boy.
Between 10-14 years old, i used to sneak rides on the Boston subway system. And it was there quite often that a strange man would come up to me and take me by the hand & lead me to a store room. I knew what they wanted me for, anal & oral sex. I went willingly with them. I never tried to scream, nor run away or try and fight back. I thought that they loved me too. The same went for my first encounter with a homosexual person at 18 years old. I knew what he was going to do and i participated 100%. He took me physically, emotionally & sexually places where Ralph never did. I liked it and there is where I truly belonged, in my heart, soul, mind, body & emotionally. I was at peace with myself.

Then many years later in my life (34 years old) I got married to a lady that I had gotten pregnant. She already had a son & now she gave my biological one. We raised the two boys. I had always felt that something was wrong with me. There was never an emotional connection to my wife or with another woman. I was never attracted to girls/females. We went to two T sessions in Germany together, and I sure got an ear full. Herr Doctor, Pete had never shown me an emotional connection, he never had any feelings towards my pains (cancer) having her stomach removed along with some of her intestines. No tears. No sympathy. No nothing. No signs of love, telling me that he loves me. No hugs & kisses, no holding hands. Nothing, none-zero for me.

But, Herr doctor, for our young sons, there was always tons of emotions both in public & private. He was always telling them that he loves them. Always giving them hugs & kisses. Crying (tearing up) when they cried. Laughed when they laughed. Feeling their pain when they did. Tons of compassion, understanding & love for them. But, Herr Doctor, where was Pete for me? His wife? The mother of his two sons? For me it just was never there. I was never taught about love & emotions for girls/females. No emotional connection ever for her.
That's why it was so easy for me to just walk out the door & her life forever. After all this CSA came to the surface. I was then looking for some emotional support in my darkest hours. From my wife, no less. I was pissed off at her for not trying to help me. Then the true reality sets in on me. Peter if you never had any kind of emotions towards her. Then just how could ever expect her to have any for you now? It had come full cycle. In one of my terrible mood swings we had exchanged some heated words. I had told her that i'm going to leave her. I'm going back to the USA alone in order to have more resources available for me in dealing with this CSA stuff. So then she tells me in a calm voice. So you want to leave me and "go marry a man." That statement sure got my attention. What ever made her say that to me? I think that I now know the answer, she had seen something in me that I didn't see over those 35 years. You love men, always have Peter. I see it every day with you. No emotions or feelings for females. But tons of emotions & feelings both (sexually & non sexually) for males, be it with your military buddies, your boys (son & grandsons) and the male members of your extended family here.
So, one day I just walked out the door to our apartment in Germany. I gave her no hug, no kisses. No goodbye. No tears. No emotions. None-Zero.

So, in these last 2 years I have been learning about my true sexuality. Who am I? What am I? I know where my emotions & feelings are. It took me during that emotionally intensive WoR at Alta, Utah in '09 to finally come to terms with & accept the fact that i always was and am a gay person. Little Pete had come out from the darkness, out from behind that macho man mask that had served him so well while in the Air Force for 23 years. Out from the closet into my mind, body, soul & emotions. That gay boy/man whom had for all his adolescent & adult life has kept his very first lover (Ralph) a part of his life in emotions, mind, body & soul. As of this posting I have come to terms 99.9% of it that Ralph's love for me had nothing to do with his love for me. The physical, mental & sexual part have been pretty much taken care of.
But, my emotional connection to him is still barely hanging together. I feel (falsely) that if I ever sever that last emotional strand between us. Then I would have to wrongly conclude in my mind that then NOBODY ever did love us.

Having come to terms with who & what I am. I no longer desire to be that lonely/shy boy/man. I no longer desire to be a self imposed hermit. Afraid to intermingle & relate to others.

I made a promise with little Pete, back at that WoR, two years ago, that I would lead him from the depths of darkness into the sunshine forever.
Trying to be a productive human being. How to be able to share my love & the rest of my life with another man. Emotionally, physically, sexually in mind, body & soul.

So while I've been grieving for little Pete these last two weeks. I have made some giant steps in his coming out from the darkness. I have become a part of the Gay/Lesbin community in the area where I am currently living. I have been welcomed with open hearts, minds & arms. I am a part of their family & community.
No longer wanting to be that shy boy/man. Finally listening to that little boy in me. Finally trying to remove those mental road blocks that I have put in his way.

I have finally learned about that little boy. His courage, his pain, his hopes & his dreams. As he is me. A worthwhile, useful & loveable human being after all.


Those of us here whom have chosen to keep ourselves lonely & in a hermit life style. There is hope & help for us, in the Gay community. Look into it. I have.

Things that you learn from a young boy.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." AS he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.







Edited by petercorbett (05/24/11 06:18 PM)
Edit Reason: took out a word.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#362793 - 05/23/11 10:19 AM Re: A new life & Hope. [Re: petercorbett]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
My brothers,

My new life & hope has suffered a terrible setback.

Yesterday late afternoon the area of Joplin Missouri where the Gay/Lesbian center was wiped off the map. Obi & I was in that area just before disaster struck.

Services were going on in the MCC church in the same building at that same time.

How many survived if any? I surely don't know. But those brothers & sisters whom opened their hearts & soul to this old boy are in Gods hands right now.

Rest in peace, my brothers & sisters, rest in peace.

Your gay, brother/friend.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#362795 - 05/23/11 11:11 AM Re: A new life & Hope. [Re: petercorbett]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
My brothers,

Happy news, I just got the word that everyone who was at the Gay/Lesbian center & at the MCC services that were going on all made it to the cellar & were buried for 2 hours before finally getting themselfs out.

Surely God was with them. I am happy to have my family intact.

Never give up HOPE. I sure do at times, another flaw in this boy/man.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#362797 - 05/23/11 11:16 AM Re: A new life & Hope. [Re: petercorbett]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 727
Loc: United States
Pete,

I'm glad to hear that they all got out unharmed. If the people are still there, the community is still there. Buildings don't make a community and this might be the time that you can really help them.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

Top
#362917 - 05/24/11 03:11 PM Re: A new life & Hope. [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 727
Loc: United States
The Church Community in Joplin, MO that Pete has been talking about got a mention on the Towleroad blog today:

Quote:
Spirit of Christ MCC writes, on its homepage:

Quote:
Thank you for your concern, the tornado hit just as we were begining service on Sunday night. We rode out the storm in the basement of the church with only two people injured. The building that we had previously rented from Unity of Joplin was completely destroyed. There will be no community meal on Wednesday, May 25.

In addition, Pastor Steve's home and cars were destroyed in the storm. The other members who were attending church on Sunday, also lost their cars. We can joyfully report that all members of SOC MCC have been located and reunited with their families.


Donations to help this welcoming church community get back on it's feet can be made here.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

Top
#362926 - 05/24/11 06:15 PM Re: A new life & Hope. [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hey, my brother, Brian.

Thanks for posting this.

I wish that there was a local donation point closer to Joplin as i have clothing to donate.

I'll keep looking for updated donation points.

For now, a monetary donation will have to do.

Heal well, my brother, Brian, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top


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