Living with a woman that during our marriage has become very abusive and I have had to have several surgeries due to the abuse in the past due to my abuser and what has been done to my spine and now I live with an abusive spouse. I have had a another person walk back into my life after 16 years of no contact and it is as if we never parted even though our lives went two seperate courses and feelings have became for this person very,very, mutual and very,very strong and this other person knows almost everything that occured in my past as a child but this person does not know exactly what is going on now with this other spouse in my life and I am having a hard time walking away from this marriage as this other spouse was raped in her past not by me but by another person in this persons life in childhood and don't know maybe this is why this person is acting this way when I try to leave as I am the only husband this person has had and I can relate to sexual abuse in my past and what it can cause in another persons life afterward and the aftereffects.
I love this person however due to the abuse and certain said comments to me recently such as I will pack my bag and just leave after taking a trip almost 3,00 miles away from the homestate have left me questioning everything including if "I am actually still in love with this person" and if this other ex-significant other that has walked back into my life now really wants to be with me including 5 children with another person and where my obligations lie and really how I feel,even though I know this other ex-significant other has shown me very deep down expressed love over the last week that now has me questioning why I am with the person I am with now after several incidents where things have turned to the point where I as a man have been hit,kicked by this spouse and I have done nothing to defend myself as I have been taught not to hit or kick or hurt a woman and now I am in question as to the actual marriage and how I feel and why I should stay and allow myself to keep suffering damage at the hands of this spouse.
I feel like I still love this significant other in my life now that I am married to but on the other hand I am now questioning if I "Am still in love with this person after several times of being hit and kicked even after I have been taught not to hit a woman or hurt a woman despite how I have been treated even after several times where I have told this person I want to leave and this person won't let me leave then tries to manipulate me with telling me this person will end their life and it is not me thank god this time,I want to live however I am in an abusive situation and during my childhood I have had enough while at a hand of a family member and now I just don't know how much more I can handle especially as I am now facing another spine surgery to my neck after my neurosurgeon has found that a level below where I had fused is now shifting back towards my spinal cord and I find out later today what they want to do to fix it and I am very scared as to what will take place and whether or not I will be left while on the operating table even though it may be a good thing with the person I am with now.
On the other hand I have very,very strong feelings for this significant other thats knows me a lot better how I think, feel,act and what has happened in the past and honestly right now it seems to me I feel closer to this person that has walked back into my life after 16 years and a private investigator that has been following me around for over a year now to find me and see where my life lies now.
The other significant other knows everything that has happened to me even after writing my own autobiography and letting this person read it to know what I have had to live through even after we split and now have been reunited which for me might be a great thing as this person knows me even better then my own spouse when it comes to my past until we split but this significant other has read what I went through after we split.
I am drawing up a legal will this Monday 2005-04-11 stating if anything goes wrong I want to be let go as I feel I have had enough torcher in my life and I just want to be let go should anything go wrong should I decide to go through with the surgery.