Newest Members
susanhepp, Breathe, georgetwo, frozen45, lilac
12291 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Guillermo (37), illbedat (26), Mike58 (56), Mnovit (38), Mongo (24), pwdasw (64), Raymond Sean (38), yesac76 (38)
Who's Online
4 registered (WriterKeith, 3 invisible), 23 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12291 Members
73 Forums
63228 Topics
442148 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#358515 - 04/03/11 02:50 PM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: prisonerID]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
what are you doing with the calgon? do you have laundry to do or something?


I am overjoyed to hear about the fact that you are finally getting a response from that center! See, if you hadn't asked for what you needed, this might not have happened. I had been praying that your voice will be heard and that people will come out of the woodwork who are able to provide help for you. smile smile

About how the director saying "we" instead of "us" in reference to who is the helper. I wish things were different and there were more systems in place to help people with ASA. I hate being helped by anyone to do anything. I am one of those people who likes to do things by himself and it hurts my pride to rely on others, especially when I can't hold myself together emotionally... but it is essential to help the people who are in a position to help you by enlightening them as to what your needs really are, because this is a situation they may or may not have seen before.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#358524 - 04/03/11 04:50 PM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: CruxFidelis]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Peter,

Calgon - as in "take me away".

I sent an email this morning to the DVIS (Domestic Violence Intervention Services/Call Rape)- other oranization I was recommended to contact. Will see what they have to say. Your support, as always, is much appreciated.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#358530 - 04/03/11 06:33 PM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: prisonerID]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hi Daryl,

I also look for a mens survivor group every once in awhile, with frustrating results, perhaps one day... I even have a friend who is a director for a Battered Woman's Shelter, operated through the YWCA. As an outreach project someone-else there has tried to get a group for male CSA/SA survivors off the ground, my understanding is that it's being facilitated by a woman, and the few attendees have not been comfortable with this arrangement and would prefer a male leader. Makes sense to me, especially for a male group. I've had a few female therapist over the years and two of them were the best I've ever experienced, but I still can't see them in the role of leader of a male survivor group.

I hope the project you speak of gets off the ground and running soon, I understand how you feel about being able to spend time with other survivors face to face. I also understand restraints due to time and distance restrictions, limiting how much you can do yourself, hopefully this will resolve itself in a positive way also.

Best of luck on this!

Gary

P.S. Hope you had a good relaxing soak!!!

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#362459 - 05/18/11 08:12 AM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: 1.healing]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I thought I might update my "progress" in this area of my life. I have spent quite a bit of time on the phone and emailing various organizations within an hour from where I live. I have spanned out in all directions and had some nice conversations with some good people. I admire the work that they do with females rape victms/survivors as well as those who work with children who have been abused. I have been given other places to contact and did so each time that I found a dead end. The last place I talked with did say that I was welcome to come in for individual assessment/counseling but that there were no groups or other services available. The good part is that I like honesty. I am one who has a need to know and can live with it if people shoot straight with me. I may not like it but it is better than "of course you are welcome - just not sure where at right now".

I have also contacted various national and international male abuse organizations and was impressed with their quick responses. In fact they were very generous in creating an email dialogue with me for a few days while we explored ideas and thoughts. Again I was impressed with their honesty and sincere regret that they could not take on ASA issues due to having their plates full with CSA ones.

Like the local organizations each would send me a link to another organization. The last one referred me to MS and this forum. On the one hand Male Survivor should feel proud of that. On the other hand it also told of how limited things are for ASA men. And that is what these organizations stated themselves and I do appreciate their acknowledgment of that fact.

The last organization's response to me has been ongoing and he has offered to be a "thought partner" with me. So we have emailed some and he even set up a time to call me. He was very generous to give me forty minutes of time when I am sure he did not really have that to spare. I was touched by that on Monday.

All the emails to these organizations have been honest ones from me but I am always polite even in my frustrations. But in the initial one to the last organization I was short and blunt. I was tired and very frustrated at the time. I might add that I had been on the internet and the phone a week solid doing part of this. I am sure lack of good solid sleep contributed to me losing my "Okie charm" as well. I simply stated the that organization that I was "tired of being a footnote in the issue of male sexual abuse". I later apologized for my rude intro to him but he was very kind and understanding.

I am still awaiting a call back from one agency and I have made small steps in doing so with the local university. I have reconnected with one of my main contacts there and she has provided me with the person she feels I should meet with. I am going to breathe a bit before I tackle this since I am talking about the community I work in and I work closely with the school's sccial work department. They provide interns for us and we provide training for those students. There is more riding on this possible contact than on the others.

Summer is almost here and that tells me that it will be time to leave this be if the university does not pan out and if that last organization does not work out as well.

You see I have this past week seen more and more how the work and battle for help to those who are male CSA has just scratched the surface. These organizations cannot even begin to keep up with what is needed.

I sincerely hope that men here who are CSA are not offended by any of my words. I know I am welcome here. I know I am cared for here. But I am not satisfied with the resources available or the acknowldgment given to adult males who have been sexually assaulted. Whether it is in the 3D world or on the internet. I see more articles written since the media has latched on to military rapes more and more. I am told that 10% of the calls to rape hotlines are males. I am told I am not the only ASA man who contacts abuse organizations.

I think this was told to comfort me on the phone and by email. But it only fueled my anguish that if this is known then why does nothing change? If the knowledge is there and nothing is done...

Like I said earlier in that email - I am not satisfied with being a footnote in the books, articles, cyber organizations and physical organizations concerning male sexual abuse.

And life goes on.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#362463 - 05/18/11 10:17 AM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: prisonerID]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks for updating this thread-

I applaud you for the searching you are doing-the topic of how to create effective support for male survivors is a topic I've been seeing a lot if lately.

I just read about a Man's tombstone in my community: the ten most powerful 2-letter words in the english language-

"if it is to be it is up to me".

We'll all be footnotes in other people's stories-I think we need to write our own.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#362479 - 05/18/11 01:07 PM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: Mountainous Buck]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Jamie,

Thank you for your response to this. I do not mind writing my own story - just came to a point in my life where I would like some assistance with some of the details. A base from which I can advocate for change.

I am beginning to wonder if I do not need to access more female oriented assault organizations. At least I was told at the one place that I would be eligible for individual counseling. I am thinking that now I may need to go where I really did not think any success would be available. I will be contacting the local university and that is the base of their work. That is a long shot but will give it a whirl anyway.

That kind of energizes me just a bit - maybe I have been knocking on the wrong doors the past year or so. Maybe I have been trying to force fit myself into the wrong system. I am not giving up but thinking that I am going in the wrong direction.

Jamie - your words have actually poked me into a little bit of realization here. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I think it is time to go in a different direction with this.

Thanks - you helped me in a very interesting way.


Daryl



_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#362517 - 05/19/11 12:10 AM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: prisonerID]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Dear Daryl,

As a CSA brother, I am not offended by any of your words or feelings about the very real lack of resources and help for men who were raped as adults. That you and other survivors of ASA are so composed and understanding about the lack of specific resources available to you is beyond generous as I see it. In all honesty this situation makes me feel frustration and anger over the huge void in services to ASA men which should not be. I don't understand why the treatment community is so slow to respond when there is such a need, their empathy should begin to extend beyond sympathetic rhetoric to include real action and tangible help. The wake-up call is past due!

Bless you and the other men who find themselves in this bewildering situation. I admire your courage and perseverance and hope you one day see the positive outcome you so deserve.

Your brother in healing,

Gary


Top
#362528 - 05/19/11 08:14 AM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: 1.healing]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Gary,

I cannot begin to say how much your words meant to me this morning as I read them. Without acknowledgment nothing can change for it is like ignoring the horse in the room. Not admitting there is a leak in the boat or not enough food for all at the table.

At least some of the organizations, both online and by phone, acknowledged the gap. But none felt compelled to do anything about it. Maybe that is the second step that will come one day. I honestly thought one of the male sites would take it up but tha apparently is not meant to be and that puzzles me. I thought I stood a much better chance with them than with a basic female organization.

On the one hand CSA experts like Mike Lew stated in an email that "all abuse is abuse" and that ASA men were welcome to his workshops. Yet the organizations I contacted were specific in that they did not mix CSA and ASA in counseling tracts and groups. So there seems to not be a consensus concerning male ASA. Just things I am picking up in my conversations with those working in the therapeutic community. So, which is it? I confess to being just a bit confused now.

Thanks for your input on this as I ponder my last angle. I am taking it slow on it right now as I think out each step.

Another day...another Diet Mt. Dew. Or two. smile

Have a great day my dear and wonderful friend.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#362529 - 05/19/11 08:18 AM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: 1.healing]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Daryl,

(I’m a bit cranky this morning so if this comes off rather short, please if you can, see it as me only being frustrated)

Your diligence on the behalf of all ASA is amazing, humbling as well. I wish I had some bit of wisdom but frankly it all feels and falls flat and trite.

Yes, to do the same thing over and over is often seen as insanity but when the road dead ends with each “new” path taken the returning to the one that leads to insanity seems nearly palatable even preferable, which in of itself is spooky. And I agree that if we don’t write our own epitaphs we most likely won’t like what is on our own tombstones but some of us aren’t articulate masons and need the assistance of those who are. To right our own ship alone is what far too many of us have done. No one would suggest CSA’s or adult women who have been raped must do this so why would it be suggested I/we “must”! Sorry but that idea just rubbed me the wrong way. I’m not advocating for us to just sit on our asses and let everyone else do the heavy lifting but, dang it!

I’ve not tried nearly as impressive as you Daryl to find resources that don’t say for all intense and purpose “good luck, but not here ” and have sank in the sludge of despair. The mud is beginning to feel warm and accepting. (A poem about mud? Humm, maybe that will brighten my day)

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#362545 - 05/19/11 12:11 PM Re: "...and the wisdom to know the difference." [Re: earlybird]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Dear Daryl,

I'm puzzled too and quite frankly I don't get it either! Why are the professionals not responding to the need, what's needed to flip that switch on? And as you and our good friend Earl expresses ASA's like anyone need to be participants in their process of healing, but it's not asking too much to expect some help. It's something akin to expecting a surgeon to perform their own heart transplant, impossible!

I can't begin to tell you guy's how sorry I am about this ridiculous situation and how hollow that statement feels because it isn't enough! It sounds as shallow as all the dead end voices on the other end of the many lines you've pursued. I only wish that I knew what the answer was to this one and certainly support you all in your reasonable quest to find it!

Your CSA brother in healing,

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.