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#361654 - 05/07/11 11:44 PM Would or have you confronted your abuser?
OrionH Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 20
Or would you leave it alone? I read that most males don't.

#361669 - 05/08/11 07:14 AM Re: Would or have you confronted your abuser? [Re: OrionH]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I think I would leave it alone as I dont know what sort of reaction I would have toward them. I sometimes feel like I would like to go to where they are and Out them so that I can make their lives as miserable as they have made mine. Sometimes I feel that I would like to kill them (harsh words I know) But I am a peace loving person and no matter what I do it will not change what they have done to me. Maybe I should out them to Prevent someone else from getting hurt? I dont know, Its a tough one

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#361671 - 05/08/11 07:47 AM Re: Would or have you confronted your abuser? [Re: whome]
Gnuff Offline

Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 13
Loc: Switzerland
Since my abuser was a stranger I can't. But I think reporting the abuse to the police was kind of a "confrontation". But seriously I don't know how I would react if I'd see him on the street. Hopefully I would be wise enough to call the police. Maybee I'd let my anger speak (even if I'm a peace loving person). But I realy hope I'd have the gutts to confront him in any way.

#361720 - 05/08/11 09:14 PM Re: Would or have you confronted your abuser? [Re: Gnuff]
limit Offline

Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131

Edited by limit (11/22/11 08:42 PM)

#361745 - 05/09/11 09:41 AM Re: Would or have you confronted your abuser? [Re: limit]
Napoleon Offline

Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
I confronted, but through face book. The reaction was denial. “I don’t know you” things like that.

I also knew a lot of people who were abused by the same man I was. I talked to each of these in turn. Its interesting that only 2 denied anything like it happened, the majority say they don’t remember anything like but don’t denied it. Only one confirmed.

“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

#362192 - 05/14/11 02:58 PM Re: Would or have you confronted your abuser? [Re: Napoleon]
king tut Offline

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
I think there are articles on this site about disclosure, and "confronting" the abuser, somewhere.

What i would say is that confroning the abuser, in my opinion, shouldn't be the first step in any recovery process. You should work with a therapist, work on your issues- and know what you want to say to the abuser.

Do you want him to know how much he hurt you, probably, do you want him to know he still has a huge amount of power over you (and hence give him more power)? probably not, or do you want to be able to present him with a stance of defiance? and REALLY say what you want to say to him.

I think you have to be very aware of your expectations- don't necessarily expect a response, don't necessarily expect him to admit it (he probably wont), don't expect him to say he is sorry (and if he did, would that really mean anything? it certainly wouldn't take away your pain).

If you want to confront the abuser then first be sure you know what you want to say, and second know what you want to get out of it- it may very well be a worth while task even if you don't get a reply, or get a bad reply.

If you do decide to confront your abuser, then it must of course be in a safe controlled environment. It would be an emotional thing, and has others have suggested, it could bring up really intense feelings of anger.

So if i was you, if you want to confront your abuser- write a letter (you will need to write this letter in about a hundred drafts- and the people on this site could help you to revise it. I think it is okay to express your anger in your letter, but as you re-write and re-write your letter, you should find that the swear words appear less frequently (although they ARE very good expressive words) and you can say what you want to say more exactly. It will help you to understand your feelings too, and will help you to recover.

Sure- the recipient probably wont reply, but it will certainly help you to work through your emotions about the abuser- and it will help you to break the power that the abuse and the abuser may still have over you.


"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.

#362198 - 05/14/11 05:02 PM Re: Would or have you confronted your abuser? [Re: king tut]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Actually on second thought I really would like to out them publicly and then beat the crap out of them. Make all the anger issues Ive had over the years seem like training. (Too the bat cave robin we must train HA HA HA HA)

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#362201 - 05/14/11 05:23 PM Re: Would or have you confronted your abuser? [Re: whome]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 747
Loc: NJ
Tyically we refer to this article:

If done the "right" way confrontation can be very powerful, but also has the possibility of re-victimizzing if not done with careful thought and preperation.

Also search the site, lotta info on this topic.

good luck


My posts can self destruct at any them while you can.

#362236 - 05/15/11 06:44 AM Re: Would or have you confronted your abuser? [Re: Castle]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1383

I haven't been around here much lately, so I hope you don't mind if I reply.

I "confronted" my abuser, before I even knew what "confrontation" was. I did this on my own, impusively, responding to something he said on the phone. This wasn't planned and it couldn't have gone worse.

Instead of him "hearing" what I was saying, he turned it around and told me "how much I liked it."

Please, heed the advice of the guys here and do not do this alone, and without a lot of support.

Know what you want from the confrontation, and do not place your expectations on getting an admission or an apology.

Whatever you decide to do, do it with careful planning and support. Have people in place to support you, which ever way things go.

I wish you well in your endeavor.


Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#362426 - 05/17/11 02:50 PM Re: Would or have you confronted your abuser? [Re: Anomalous]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2038
Loc: durham, north england
Part of me wants to track down the ring leaders in my abuse and just reveal to them how serious their jokes were, but that really is only a litle fantasy.

I doubt my abusers even considdered what was done important enough to remember anyway.

Frankly I've got better things to do than waste yet more of my life, my time and my energy on them, they've already had enough from me.

If I never see them again it'll be too soon.

then again, my abusers while not actually strangers were only acquaintances at best, just other people at school, so there was no emotional connection betwene us at all.

I'm pretty sure other people who were abused by those who were emotionally close would feel differently.


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