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#36241 - 04/11/05 05:16 AM Scary Tuesday Coming
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Things have going rough for me

It seems with everybreath I take my emotions are jumbled together that I feel confused inside. I feel happy, angry, sick inside, digusting etc...

My mind is racing about bad thoughts about myself, how ugly i am, i caused the abuse somehow and the shame I feel about it inside.

I feel like changing my screen name from healing_inside to I dont care anymore. Maybe tomarrow maybe I will feel different, but right now this is the way I feel.

I normally don't talk like this, but this is hard.

I think I am feeling like this because Tuesday I am going to meet my boss at a coffee shop, because I will be going back to work part-time for awhile. Had to go on disability for awhile because of the SA memories.

I am terrifired of him, because he is male. He is not a shouting boss, but one who is quiet. I am afraid because my perp was a quiet, cunning and could easy manipulate me when I was a child. (My boss is not the perp)

The confident adult side of me can handle anything, but the little boy inside wants to scream out loud, cover myself and hide in the corner. I am embarressed to say that the adult inside and on the outside has been hiding in the corner a few times lately.

I am all messed up inside and both the child and adult inside are hurting.

I will be going back to work, beacause if I don't try then I have given the perp conrtol in my life again and they will win again, they will screw up the second half of life just like they did in my younger years. I will not let this happen. It will be hard, but I don't give up easy.

If the job is to stressful when I return, I will consider moving on in my career, but it will be my choice and not because I never had the courage to try.

I know I am rambling, but thanks for listening and caring. I guess I am asking for feed back because I need you strength and encouragement.

If you are interested I will let you know how it went on Tue.

You guys are great.

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#36242 - 04/11/05 10:26 AM Re: Scary Tuesday Coming
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
healin inside, I am sorry you are going through this tough time.

It is easy to see how you associate your boss with the perp because he is a man and he has similar traits, it is an unconscious thought, but you are aware of it.

Try and gets some easier duties at work, they owe it to your well-being, if you have been off with stress.

None of this crap, should have so much significant effect on our adult lives, but it does, and we need to face it together,

hope it works out,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#36243 - 04/11/05 09:12 PM Re: Scary Tuesday Coming
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Healing inside - I actually told my boss about 16 months ago (when I was at my worst ever & couldn't go into work).

She has been really supportive (most people think she is a right cow, but I know different).

Hope your boss is just as supportive - you may be surprised.

Best wishes...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#36244 - 04/11/05 10:41 PM Re: Scary Tuesday Coming
LostinPA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 120
Loc: Lancaster, PA
I will pray that you are held in the embrace of the universe for tomorrow. Take care of you and be as strong as you can. Do you have friends going with you? I hope so, my heart will nonetheless. Fear Not!

_________________________
LostinPA
Ric

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#36245 - 04/12/05 07:29 PM Re: Scary Tuesday Coming
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Guys,

Thanks for the support and thoughts. I got through it. My boss was very supportive and I will be going back to work on Monday.

He was very very supportitive.

I got there about a half hour eary just to sit and wait. I kept saying to myself that I am no longer small and scared, but I am taller then he is and once I started talking to him the fear inside went away.

I coulldn't have done it without the help and support of you guys.

Thanks. -Jim

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

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#36246 - 04/12/05 07:39 PM Re: Scary Tuesday Coming
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Jim,

hey, I am glad it went so well, maybe you can see your boss as a different person.

At least on monday you will be feeling confident,

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#36247 - 04/12/05 08:16 PM Re: Scary Tuesday Coming
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
That took a lot of guts,
I wish you well -

Kirk


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