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#36235 - 06/02/03 03:03 AM the way I see it
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Sometimes I question the causation for some of my/our problems. Being an SA survivor, as most of the gentlemen in this forum are, I am sometimes very quick to point my finger at the SA and be satisfied that the culprit, absolute source of my problems, has been identified. This, in a way, is almost a relief. It relieves me of having to do anything beyond deal with my abuse. Afterall, I am a victim! And I should be sympathized with. My failings and 'issues' are excusable because I was abused in the most terrible ways possible. I am the product of this abuse. Or am I? I am raising this topic because I am concerned that we are sometimes blaming things like (but not limited to) lack of communication and intimacy with our spouses on our history of SA abuse. Guys, I think this might be partly true, but I also think there is a huge segment of our society that is untouched by SA and yet have the same problems with their partners, and SA had nothing to do with it. Maybe we just have to accept that these things sometimes happen for other reasons, and if we are motivated to correct them (which isn't always necessarily so) then maybe we sometimes need to look outside the SA issues. There is a long list of afflictions that SA is credited with i.e. sleep disorders or dysfunction, arthritis, fibremyalgia, sexual dysfunction, low self esteem, depression etc. etc. In fact, the myriad of health issues that SA is credited for visiting upon us, are health issues that are also plaguing the general population ... more so as the population ages.
I guess what I'm saying is - we might well be better served by adopting an attitude that SA is an issue that needs to be dealt with, but should not be allowed to blanket our lives like an all encompassing insurance policy that gives us an excuse for wallowing in any kind of self pity and not moving. I am a great admirer of those brothers who are actively campaigning and lobbying for better laws to protect our children. Looking outside ourselves, looking forward rather than backwards is the way for a brighter tomorrow. Although I am not an AA member, a long time member of that fraternity once told me something that I think is applicable to SA survivors. He said something about a drunken horse thief once sober is still a horse thief, just a sober one. I kind of relate that to SA survivors. A man who is too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work is just plain lazy, and I don't give a shit whether he was sexually abused as a child or not. That's the way I see it anyway. Peace, Andrew


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#36236 - 06/02/03 09:17 AM Re: the way I see it
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Andrew:

Your earlier post
Re: What is healing & Overcoming Of Male Sexual Victimization ?
I think that there is some valuable lessons to be learned. You can never slay the dragon-only acknowledge it's presence and hold it it the past.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#36237 - 06/02/03 10:31 AM Re: the way I see it
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Andrew,

Quote:
It relieves me of having to do anything beyond deal with my abuse.
Only if I let it. Whether the dysfunctions that harm my life & relationships are symptoms of SA or are something else, once I become aware of them, it's up to me to change them or claim them as my own, i.e., take full responsibility.

Working on recovery helps me see the issues, and once I do see them, I have no reason to avoid working on them. (I may make excuses, but I have no reasons.) I have to work at my own pace, in my own way. I can rely on support from my wife, my therapist, other SIA members, and the Wolf Pack here, but as I learned last month, recovery means to seize something back. I have to actively recover my life.

So, I'm trying. I get down (way down) sometimes because it seems to be such a f***ing huge job and such a long road ahead of me. But to me, to give up means that I have accepted the worst as my own, as something that will not change. I don't want to do that.

That's the way I see it.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#36238 - 06/02/03 10:35 AM Re: the way I see it
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Mike,

Quote:
Your earlier post
Re: What is healing & Overcoming Of Male Sexual Victimization ?
That wasn't my post Mike, although it was a good one. Peace, Andrew


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#36239 - 06/02/03 02:29 PM Re: the way I see it
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Andrew
Absolutely right, it is a temptation to lump all our ailments and weakness at the door of SA, and I suppose the same is true for anyone who has some kind of 'suffering' - it's all to easy to blame what we know.

But I think that a lot of the problems we have, while not directly caused by the SA, can be made a whole lot worse because of the strain of depression, stress etc that we suffer. And also the SA often leads to us having such low self esteem that we neglect ourselves and make a small ailment worse.

I think that's the reason Survivors sometimes get on a health kick as they get better, we feel able to do it again.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#36240 - 06/02/03 02:38 PM Re: the way I see it
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Right on Dave! I just like to remind myself that although I am an SA survivor, I am more importantly just another guy in this rat race society, trying to make a living and negotiate life. The work place, and the largest majority of my friends and acquaintences are completely unaware of my SA history, and most certainly wouldn't care less, nor should they, about my suffering from SA issues. SA should never be allowed to be an excuse for doing less well than one might have hoped for. Peace, Andrew


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