Do I know who I am anymore?

The fact that I have to ask
scares me

But I will take time for myself,
to know who I am
who I want to be

I love you for you
but do you love me for me
or only for how I love you?

I don't think either of us
can answer these questions
because we are both hurting
BOTH hurting.

But I am going to work on myself.
I will live whole and healthy
even if I have to fight every day
to exhale "me."
Not "me who loves you,"
but ME. First and foremost...
who am I?

Your confusion about who you are is welcome here, Hope.

It means you are no longer satisfied to be the person who is "managing" your life, and now you want to make some changes only an "owner" can make.

Good for you, sister. Find you, and see what we have found in you, a great friend and solid person.

Enjoy the journey, you are searching for something valuable.. you!

Sam

H4H,

You’ve expressed much it this poem issues that touches a great many of us both survivors and their significant others. I think we each question our validity to others and worse yet to ourselves. This was my take from your poem especially from this stanza;

“I love you for you
but do you love me for me
or only for how I love you”

I’m thinking is there was a missing stanza one that asks the question

Do I love myself for who I am
Or
For how I present myself to you?

In my experience nearly every relationship a person seems to live under a certain unwritten and undisclosed condition, they have to give up themselves to be loved and we demand the same from our beloved. Earl

@Earlybird, do you mean they have to give up themselves to be loved or to love? I feel that in all relationships we have to give up part of ourselves for the other person...I don't buy into all the "self-esteem" stuff in quite the same way that many do (that is, I believe sacrificing for others at times is more important than ourselves). Still, I feel that I can become so consumed with another's problems that I forget who I am...what my interests are, what my concerns are, etc. It's a fine line since in a relationship, two people essentially become "one"...two parts to another new thing...but I know I can't become lost either. I like the stanza you added because I think about that a lot. I stress myself out over past mistakes and personal flaws SO much that I try to compensate by being a better friend now...not a bad thing in itself but I think sometimes I worry more about how he sees me as a friend than how I actually am (I know I am a good friend overall). If I'm reading what you wrote wrong, correct me, but in any case these are some of my thoughts.

@Sam,

Thanks for the note as well. It's funny you made the "manager" comment because sometimes I let myself be controlled by what others want me to be. I do feel I manage my life and try to be all these things for others and forget that I "own" my life and that I...that Hope...is a person with wants and needs, too. But I have to fulfill these things within myself, first.

Hello H4H,

No you did not misunderstand me I don’t believe you completely understand me either, but how could you in a one line statement.

You sad;

“I feel that in all relationships we have to give up part of ourselves for the other person...I don't buy into all the "self-esteem" stuff in quite the same way that many do (that is, I believe sacrificing for others at times is more important than ourselves).

I agree that all relationships at times must have participants that are willing to set aside their needs (for a time) for the needs of another, but only as a volunteered act never as a requirement of submission or as you phrased it a “sacrifice”. We may be splitting hairs on that subject but were we do view things very differently is that two people can and should become one. (One flesh as it were) My wife and I use to believe this mystical theory and it caused both her and me a great deal of pain. The day my wife and I realized we were two individuals who loved and cared about each other as equals and individuals our marriage blossomed. We no longer “had to give up ourselves to be loved by each other”

My experience only not a fact or truth.

Ah...yes I don't so much see it as two people becoming "one" person but two people becoming two parts of a new thing altogether (relationship, marriage, whatever). In any case, I think we both see that "losing oneself" is a very dangerous thing. I shudder when I hear things from people (as I did the other day) like "Well once you have a kid, then it's all about the kid." I don't believe this is a healthy sort of statement to make. How does it benefit a child, spouse, or any other member of our lives if we completely forget who we are and live our lives as some "attachment" of theirs? Ugh...this is how I feel I could have ended up several times if I had not taken time for myself (as I am doing now). I believe in setting aside needs for the needs of another for a time (as you said...which is what I meant by "sacrifice"), but I don't believe ANYone should ever become our identity.

Thanks for the dialogue on this. I hope all supporters will take time for themselves without thinking it means they love the survivor any less. On the contrary, I think taking care of ourselves allows us to be more healthy friends/partners.