Just last night I finaly came to the conclusion that I had been abused, now I don't know why it took me so long, as I had said in my first post in this forum, I was sent to reform school.
The fact is I had commited no crime, I was getting beat up daily at school, at home my mother and brother spent most of their spare time telling me how stupid and worthless I was.
I was in the 6th grade, the grade school claimed I was retarted
and expelled me, after doing some tests to see how dumb I was,
word came back from the Drs. that my i.q. was actualy above average, then it was decided that I was a delinquint.
My earliest memory of my mother is when I was about 3 yrs. old

she was rubbing my face in my wet bed, threatening me, telling me she would put a diaper on me and make me sit outside in it.
When I was 11 she made me sleep with her, not to touch me, it was to be sure I didn't touch myself, she told me to keep my hands above the blanketts so she could see them.
I find it no surprize that I found some comfort in having sex with the guys at that school, it was the first time in my life when people didn't hurt me when they touched me.
The truth is I have always sepperated each abuse, I have never put them all together.
Now I have, to be honest, I now understand why I have had to deal with o.c.d. and what appears to be ptsd.
Frankly, I am darned poud that I have done as well as I haave, they didn't destroy me!

Good for you, Max! You should be proud! You've survived...

Peace,

John

max


This is the usual situation. Most guys don't remember for a long while afterwards.

I guess I somehow missed your first post. After I was abused a whole bunch, my behavior at home went downhill. I was angry at home. I couldn't be angry with the abusers so I was angry at home. It wasn't until many, many years later that I found a letter my mom wrote to my dad. She was recommending that I be sent to a military school. It would have killed me.


Yeah, a lot of us were bullied in school too.

What we are told at home has a way of being something that we believe and build into our lives, even if it's not true.

I'm sorry you had such a rough experience with her. That made everything harder for you.

Lot's of boys at that age will start "experimenting". My guess is that because of something in her background she was unusually tough about that.

This also happens with a lot of guys. They don't feel loved or appropriately touched and hugged at home so they look for replacement feelings with other guys.

Yes, Max. And now that you are putting those pieces together you will start to find a new peace with yourself and others. That's good.

Allen

Allen,
As I read that last line in my post to which you responded I kind of shook my head in disbelief, I have never been "proud"
in my life, it's kind of a strange feeling.. an arrow that didn't belong in my quiver.
I never had trouble remembering any of this, I just assumed it was my fault, I enjoyed it, so how could I blame anyone else?
Well, I thought I enjoyed it, at this point I am not sure, it was something I turned to because I had nothing else.
I am pretty sure that I still would have had an attraction to guys, I would rather have discovered it under different circumstances.
For the past two nights I have slept, had no "night sweats"

I know it's not over, but now I will run the show, not the past running me.
Max

Max

I'm glad you're healing.

Allen