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#362068 - 05/12/11 11:09 PM Angry Heart
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Angry Heart

I was not born angry. (Well a little pissed I guess) I did eventually forgive my mom for not allowing me to stay up there once she gave me her nipple for suck. Over the years as I grew I got a long great with my folks and developed some very close friendships while working my way through grade school, jr high and then high school. That would all end my first and last semester of college. Sure Iíd had a few run ins with guys here and there but never anything that felt like rage, clearly nothing close to hate. Hate and rage were feelings as foreign to me as wanting to kill someone or die myself.

I had no idea what was to come.

The days following the rape I was more frightened than angry. Scared of it happening again and fearful others would find out and reject the man I now was. This was the beginning of feelings, like a tumor, that began to feed off the rich but toxic blood vessels branching from a sexual assault. Within three days I started to become angry. Interesting not so much at them (two men who raped me) as with myself. It would take nearly forty years for me to learn that this form of self-hate was not unusual. The problem was I had two very active beliefs about myself vying for dominance within me. My family of origin teachings, stating was I was a good guy and societyís power structures and leaders were in place to protect me and would always respond properly to unjust things. This self was now pitched in a dark and ugly tug of war with a cruel, merciless alter ego.

I had been angry before about thing prior to the rape where I had felt wronged or injured. But Iíd always been able to separate it from my normal self and work it out. I didnít carry anger or hostility so I had no idea the way I was now feeling those moments, hours and days after the rape and that they would refuse to surrender their hold of the rope that was twisted around my heart cutting off circulation to rational thoughts and beliefs.

Myths formed overnight every bit as powerful as any truth I previously held. I was for the first time vulnerable to all types of ideas and teachings offering hope and relief. These each would prove valueless to my recovery. The beginnings of healing, was not to come for nearly twenty years with another twenty of starts and stops, avoidance and hesitance. I was so damn lost as to how to integrate their heinous act with the person I wanted to become until arriving here at MS.

Itís been one of the hardest years of my life being here but over the last few months I have begun to reclaim that young manís heart, now forty years older, as the rage finds its rightful place allowing it to dissipate and for me to find and become me.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#362086 - 05/13/11 07:35 AM Re: Angry Heart [Re: earlybird]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
I'm proud of you brother ...you captured the essence of the process so eloquently..

I know what that black acid of hate feels like...I'm so happy you are finally getting past it ...

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#362089 - 05/13/11 08:00 AM Re: Angry Heart [Re: earlybird]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
birdman,

I have watched you struggle, fight back and grow in amzing ways. This past year has been one of learning to breathe a bit deeper and live higher than before.

You should be so proud of how far you have come and what you have done so far. And there is more living to do and more contentment to enjoy.

Finding you is the best treasure you could ever discover.

I am so very proud of and for you.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#362103 - 05/13/11 11:24 AM Re: Angry Heart [Re: prisonerID]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Thanks guys figuring this stuff out and staying balanced, which I'm not, is such a thinly capped frozen, dangerously slippery pond.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#362106 - 05/13/11 11:47 AM Re: Angry Heart [Re: earlybird]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
But the ice is thick enough to support,

and the talent to navigate and perform on that ice is ours, whether by our experiences before the abuse or learning how to minimize the abuse controls and reach for hope, supplying courage to our recovery.

Nice work outlining the before and after, and recovery.

This helps me to see what I need to bring about the necessary change, and a wonderful peace and companionship that I can have in the present.

Thanks Eeb's,
Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#362126 - 05/13/11 05:55 PM Re: Angry Heart [Re: SamV]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Hey Sam, are you up for some iceskating? I hear the ice is ready! ;-)

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top


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