A rant - sorry in advance.
I have fucked up my life to such an intense degree, it's hard to even begin. For the last almost eiught years I've lived a kind of double life. The domestic one; most myself, at home with my wife and now kid. The escape route; in another country doing my work - but really, until very recently, sitting alone at night and drinking myself into a stupor. I realized a year or so ago, or fessed up to the fact that I only drifted over to this job to escape the pain of my reality; past present and a future that terrifies me. I was escaping the blocked but panging memories of my abuses, having to have sex with my wife, having to be an adult, having to be myself. I hit the wall, of course, and am trying to dig my way out of the literal hole in the ground that has been my home for almost my whole life. But the result of escaping is total financial ruin, and I have to keep coming back to this place for work. I'm working on getting set up at home, and that's actually going well. But now I'm back "here" again. Broke, desperate, sober for the first time and, well, not doing so great. My muscles are in spasm, my breath is short. I'm trying like hell to be civil and nice and easy wityh everyone, but I can feel my anger and self-contempt oozing through my pores. Support systems here=0. And what do I do, call and complain to my wife again as I have been for seven years? Kill myself? Take deep breaths? Smoke like a chimney? I just feel like I blew it. I got out of the hole too late. Now I have nothing left in my bottle to handle the false life, skin and bullshit existence I'm stuck in. I've got no reserves. I just want to go home, where I was just starting to feel normal, just starting to have real sex with my wife again and be a good dad and face myself. I can't do it here. It's like I'm drowning. What do I want? to buck up and not get freaked out by everything and everyone and the ghosts of my humiliating past here, my fuck-ups, the homebase of my pathetic attempt to escape myself and my pain. It's like this whole country is an island, like Disneyland of my fucked up life and I'm being forced onto each and every ride. Actually, the absurd irony of that kind of makes me laugh. Maybe I just need to get a hold of myself. No shit, right? I'm losing my mind. I really am. I'm losing my fucking mind.
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.