I've had intense memories and nightmares for years now but lately it's the same dream every night just in different forms.
I dream about my mother when she stabbed me and then I either meet my brother (who passed away from leukemia a few years ago)or I wake up in the hospital.
I can't help but wish the first dream would have come true.

This is not the first time someone has posted, or will post somthing like this.



http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...1440#Post361440

Your far from alown.

Three sentences, so much pain and sadness..

I feel you.

not alone but lonely

people say wounds heal over time
it gets better eventually
etc
i dont see how really

There are things that can be done to bring definite healing.

Talk things out to a T (therapist) or trusted, competent person. It's not just talk. When you talk it out, it gets it out of your subconscious mind where it can be healed.

Read books on healing from abuse, like those of Singer or Lew.

Be active in MS (here) and express your hurts and see what others recommend. Chat and discussion board.

There are some special techniques which work: EMDR.

Hypnotherapy for abuse at a very young age or other reason.

Some people may need a little medication.

Allen

Lucas a guy here I find to be very smart said it is about our futures not our pasts. We can't take back what was done. We can very much decide what happens next.

I don't know anyone in life who is free of hurt...people lose loved ones, sickness and accidents change lives, jobs are losts, families fall apart....the list goes on.

It's very unfair bad things happen to good people. Trauma of any sort cuts to our core. I have seen people curl up in a ball due to life, others somehow have a capacity to carry it and live.

My Therapist feels its comes from within us or not. If you want it, it will happen. All the rest are the tools to get us there.

Dig deep and hard. Honest to God if there was a magic pill to help us all you'd fine me giving them out 24x7.

Heal Lucas...please keep at this.

maybe i dont have it within me. idk.
maybe im just one of the losers
theres no reall reason for me to fight anymore anyway
both my parents nearly killed me
my younger brother is dead
my older brother wich i only learned about like a few months ago doesnt want to have anything to do with me after all
i dont have any dreams or hopes anymore
i'm graduating highschool this year and i have no clue what to do next.

There are no reasons to explain
A silent killer bears no blame
There are no answers though I pray
I die though this is not my grave

My broken spirit steals my voice

I'm not ready for this, no I'm not ready for this

http://youtu.be/Qy6RbUNS0tQ

Maybe you DO have it in you
Maybe your losses are past you.

I have hopes for you graduating and moving on towards finding out what joy and freedom there can be in life.

And I hope your many brothers here at MS positively impact your life as they have mine.

Drop,

There are a bunch of us who have to really reteach our minds what life is all about. This can be done. If your whole frame of reference is pretty negative, then the answer really is to find ways that can enlarge your frame of reference.

One way I've done this is to watch movies. Not just any movies, but special movies which will enlarge my frame of reference.

Some movies are toxic and will actually lead you further away.

For example. As a teen I had a speech problem. When I started in recovery I watched movies about speech problems being solved. I have a recent thread here about it. I also read books on related problems. The first one I looked at was called Trapped in Silence. At first I wondered if the movie/book was about me, written by a former therapist but with changed details. The author of that book made into a movie had a brilliant way of enlarging the guy's sense of himself. When you read of it you will also experience an enlargement of your sense of who you are.

The same thing happened in the movie The King's Speech. Forget about him being a king. Just learn from how he had to relearn things about himself to enable him to start living. The part where he shouts: "I HAVE A VOICE!!! I HAVE A VOICE!!!" is something I went through also. It brought healing tears to my eyes.

Some movies I wasn't ready for when I first saw them. There is a book/movie called: Running With Scissors. When I first saw it I hated it because it was so much like me. But I recently saw it again and I was able to relate meaningfully to it. So it depends on where you are in your healing.

Allen

I had that dream again today. Sweating and struggling to get up ending up rolling out of bed after waking up.
I got a kitten friday. I think i prefer animals over people
I dont like talking to them in 'real life'. Don't usually know what to say on here in chat either though. Certainly not a good topicstarter anyway... It's odd to talk about these things online, still and sometimes a bit nervewhracking
I guess this is gonna be another sleepless night

http://youtu.be/bNvwkyKQiH0 Anouk - I don't wanna hurt
http://youtu.be/gAF6ieYUnRM Anouk - Lost
http://youtu.be/cNMue85yPps Anouk - It's so hard
http://youtu.be/vSdacJfoCD4 Anouk - Make it rain

my recently discovered brother sended me a text..
appereantly he changed his mind and does want to keep in contact..
possibly even come over during the summerbreak 'if that's ok with me'.. Idk what to think, what do I get out of it other then risking rejection again, when he changes his mind, again.
And probably, jealousy on my part and I don't need pity or akward conversation about the weather and the news or something either.
I wish he'd never found out about me.

Hey Drop,

I commend you on your courage for posting here at MS. It is a big step and we are all glad you did it. Coming out of high school with no set plan for the future can be frightening, but it's completely normal.

I am sorry to hear about the nightmares and memories. Are you seeing a therapist? A therapist can help you release some of the pent up memories so you can get a better night's sleep. It's probably been said here already, but it bears repeating. You will find a great group of men here trying to heal just like you. We are all at different stages, but we are all willing to listen and share when we feel it is appropriate. MS restored my faith in people years ago, and even if I come and go I always know there are kind hearted souls here that strive for the same thing I do.

Thank you for finding the will. It is not easy opening up about such personal things but you will find that over time it does in fact get better. It might not seem that way right now, but every time you talk about the trauma it lessens its grip on you.

Cheers,

Daniel

I guess I'd just like to know when life finally gets better/bearable. I want to see results now... not in so many years. I want to be sure I'm not gonna get attacked again. Or get another dissapointment like with my older 'brother'.
But... I know I'll never be sure, life will make sure I'm reminded like atleast once a year.
Hmm I sound like I'm pitying myself now but I just can't see what everyone tries to tell me. sorry.

'brother' wants to visit me this summer but i said no. I'm not even comfortable talking to him yet. If i say something bout our past he'll likely run again anyway. I'm not a smalltalk person. I don't like crowds. Not much we could do anyway with my leg.
I dreamed about him... wasn't a good dream.
I don't even know the guy other then that i wish we would have had a similar life, me and my younger brother.
Sigh..

I never dream. I used to and they weren't pleasant. But I always felt control in dreams more. It was my world no one had a say in what happened there. Maybe it's the way my mind is easy to manage traumatic events but that's how I usually changed what happened in my dreams. So many days I wished it could work the other way. That I could control my life irl.

i dont feel like im in control of anything
I need to sleep so I have nightmares every night
Real life.. so far each year bad things have happened
As a result of one of those things last year broke my hip knee leg etc so now I can't even walk around the block on my own
Because of these incidents i can't even go outside or stay home on my own because you never know when my past will catch up with me again and the nex person will try something.
as a result of all of this crap and chronic headaches and everything its hard to focus on school.. thankfully I passed and graduated though. No friends no life no future thats what it feels like no matter how many times people here try to say that isnt true.. Flashbacks nightmares headaches bodymemories if its not daily its atleast 6 out of 7 days. I hate it. I wish whenever the next time is something happens they will do it properly for once and finish me off like they have said so many times they would do 'if anyone would find out'.

Drop,

Your signature line: And then always the question if it's fair that its a fight to just be. The hard part to me isn't the fight it's the fact that we want it all to mean something that makes us really human instead of something else. We want it to be more than just the world turning.

Sometimes it helps me to realize that the turning of the world is interesting, even if all I can see is my own tiny little struggling self.

SOmetimes I'm like a terribly sad movie that goes on and on and on, but somehow when I start seeing it as a movie, it gets more bearable.

Like this thing with your brother. If you step back and look at the two of you like its a set of shots that cuts between you and him, each living your own lives but connected in this strange way. Then in some other rooms, these other people you know; they're living their lives, too. Each in their own way they're fighting to just be and make meaning, too.

When I think this way, I like to let the movie wander out my window to the neighbors and their stories, and to people I see driving past me or buying stuff at the grocery store, etc.

We're this little part of something really big and unknowable. Working this way helps me to get out of my own head for a while.

By the way, have you tried lucid dreaming? It can help you get control of your dreams. I used to do it (should start again). All my dreams were wicked cool skateboard blowouts, literally flying down mountains, etc. When it works, you can pick up the story of your dreams and shape it pretty strongly.

Here's a random lucid dreaming site that might be useful: http://www.world-of-lucid-dreaming.com/lucid-dreaming-techniques.html

One other thought. Since you're just graduating from high school, there's a program called Americorps that might be cool for you. It's a way to get out of home very safely and securely and to have some interesting experiences helping others. http://www.americorps.gov/for_individuals/choose/index.asp

I hope this is helpful,

Danny

hey thanks ill check that lucid dreaming site out later...
im not in the usa so i cant go in the americorps though.
my brother... i just dont want to be dissapointed again, i guess.
and who tells me i can trust him
i know that sounds silly but ive seen tons more people that werent trusthworthy then the other way around