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#362707 - 05/21/11 09:59 PM Re: memories and nightmares [Re: pufferfish]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
I had that dream again today. Sweating and struggling to get up ending up rolling out of bed after waking up.
I got a kitten friday. I think i prefer animals over people
I dont like talking to them in 'real life'. Don't usually know what to say on here in chat either though. Certainly not a good topicstarter anyway... It's odd to talk about these things online, still and sometimes a bit nervewhracking
I guess this is gonna be another sleepless night

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

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#362709 - 05/21/11 10:25 PM Re: memories and nightmares [Re: Drop]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
http://youtu.be/bNvwkyKQiH0 Anouk - I don't wanna hurt
http://youtu.be/gAF6ieYUnRM Anouk - Lost
http://youtu.be/cNMue85yPps Anouk - It's so hard
http://youtu.be/vSdacJfoCD4 Anouk - Make it rain

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

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#363249 - 05/29/11 06:00 PM Re: memories and nightmares [Re: Drop]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
my recently discovered brother sended me a text..
appereantly he changed his mind and does want to keep in contact..
possibly even come over during the summerbreak 'if that's ok with me'.. Idk what to think, what do I get out of it other then risking rejection again, when he changes his mind, again.
And probably, jealousy on my part and I don't need pity or akward conversation about the weather and the news or something either.
I wish he'd never found out about me.

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

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#363253 - 05/29/11 08:04 PM Re: memories and nightmares [Re: Drop]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Hey Drop,

I commend you on your courage for posting here at MS. It is a big step and we are all glad you did it. Coming out of high school with no set plan for the future can be frightening, but it's completely normal.

I am sorry to hear about the nightmares and memories. Are you seeing a therapist? A therapist can help you release some of the pent up memories so you can get a better night's sleep. It's probably been said here already, but it bears repeating. You will find a great group of men here trying to heal just like you. We are all at different stages, but we are all willing to listen and share when we feel it is appropriate. MS restored my faith in people years ago, and even if I come and go I always know there are kind hearted souls here that strive for the same thing I do.

Thank you for finding the will. It is not easy opening up about such personal things but you will find that over time it does in fact get better. It might not seem that way right now, but every time you talk about the trauma it lessens its grip on you.

Cheers,

Daniel

_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#363357 - 05/31/11 05:52 PM Re: memories and nightmares [Re: Letourski]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
I guess I'd just like to know when life finally gets better/bearable. I want to see results now... not in so many years. I want to be sure I'm not gonna get attacked again. Or get another dissapointment like with my older 'brother'.
But... I know I'll never be sure, life will make sure I'm reminded like atleast once a year.
Hmm I sound like I'm pitying myself now but I just can't see what everyone tries to tell me. sorry.

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

Top
#364483 - 06/18/11 06:29 PM Re: memories and nightmares [Re: Drop]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
'brother' wants to visit me this summer but i said no. I'm not even comfortable talking to him yet. If i say something bout our past he'll likely run again anyway. I'm not a smalltalk person. I don't like crowds. Not much we could do anyway with my leg.
I dreamed about him... wasn't a good dream.
I don't even know the guy other then that i wish we would have had a similar life, me and my younger brother.
Sigh..

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

Top
#364484 - 06/18/11 06:54 PM Re: memories and nightmares [Re: pufferfish]
robertpattinson Offline


Registered: 06/18/11
Posts: 15
I never dream. I used to and they weren't pleasant. But I always felt control in dreams more. It was my world no one had a say in what happened there. Maybe it's the way my mind is easy to manage traumatic events but that's how I usually changed what happened in my dreams. So many days I wished it could work the other way. That I could control my life irl.

_________________________
the shame of what's happened is unimagineable. Pretending it never happened just seems to make it worst.

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#364487 - 06/18/11 07:07 PM Re: memories and nightmares [Re: robertpattinson]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
i dont feel like im in control of anything
I need to sleep so I have nightmares every night
Real life.. so far each year bad things have happened
As a result of one of those things last year broke my hip knee leg etc so now I can't even walk around the block on my own
Because of these incidents i can't even go outside or stay home on my own because you never know when my past will catch up with me again and the nex person will try something.
as a result of all of this crap and chronic headaches and everything its hard to focus on school.. thankfully I passed and graduated though. No friends no life no future thats what it feels like no matter how many times people here try to say that isnt true.. Flashbacks nightmares headaches bodymemories if its not daily its atleast 6 out of 7 days. I hate it. I wish whenever the next time is something happens they will do it properly for once and finish me off like they have said so many times they would do 'if anyone would find out'.

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

Top
#364587 - 06/19/11 08:10 PM Re: memories and nightmares [Re: pufferfish]
everybody Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 1
Post removed by ModTeam



Edited by ModTeam (06/19/11 10:17 PM)

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#364595 - 06/19/11 09:12 PM Re: memories and nightmares [Re: everybody]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Drop,

Your signature line: And then always the question if it's fair that its a fight to just be. The hard part to me isn't the fight it's the fact that we want it all to mean something that makes us really human instead of something else. We want it to be more than just the world turning.

Sometimes it helps me to realize that the turning of the world is interesting, even if all I can see is my own tiny little struggling self.

SOmetimes I'm like a terribly sad movie that goes on and on and on, but somehow when I start seeing it as a movie, it gets more bearable.

Like this thing with your brother. If you step back and look at the two of you like its a set of shots that cuts between you and him, each living your own lives but connected in this strange way. Then in some other rooms, these other people you know; they're living their lives, too. Each in their own way they're fighting to just be and make meaning, too.

When I think this way, I like to let the movie wander out my window to the neighbors and their stories, and to people I see driving past me or buying stuff at the grocery store, etc.

We're this little part of something really big and unknowable. Working this way helps me to get out of my own head for a while.

By the way, have you tried lucid dreaming? It can help you get control of your dreams. I used to do it (should start again). All my dreams were wicked cool skateboard blowouts, literally flying down mountains, etc. When it works, you can pick up the story of your dreams and shape it pretty strongly.

Here's a random lucid dreaming site that might be useful: http://www.world-of-lucid-dreaming.com/lucid-dreaming-techniques.html

One other thought. Since you're just graduating from high school, there's a program called Americorps that might be cool for you. It's a way to get out of home very safely and securely and to have some interesting experiences helping others. http://www.americorps.gov/for_individuals/choose/index.asp

I hope this is helpful,

Danny


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