Well, I was shocked that he replied. I found on Facebook a former best friend who sexually assaulted me when I was 14 and he was 16. I contacted him with a brief "hello it's been 30 years message" intro message to see if he would respond. He did. Basically said he contemplated contacting me but didn't and that he'd be open to meeting for a drink. We live two hours from each other.

Now I'm anxious, about what to do or say next. I didn't sense any desire to hook up, we've both asserted that we are married. Part of me wants to rip him, and state that what he did to me messed me up in these specific ways. Part of me wants to develop some rapport in order to first get answers to some questions I have about the older man we worked for at a corner store that was abusing us, together and separate.

Feelings of shame and guilt, I recognize in the back of my mind. The feelings about liking it, about being complicit, about all the times I went back for more with the friend.

I'd like to know why he did what he did to me.

I'd like to know if the boss influenced him to act on me.

I'd like to tell him that he hurt me by betraying me.

I just feel frozen to act, just like I felt when he first put his hands on me. But I gotta keep fighting through it.

Thanks for listening.

Hi, Bro2no.

I can't help but think that "meeting for a drink" sounds like a prelude to something you may not want to deal with. Is it possible that he could have taken your contacting him as an open door to resume where you two left off?

If you're looking for an explanation or apology, you may come away disappointed. I hope I'm wrong. His "wanting to contact you" but not, might be "wanting to hook-up with you" but not doing so because he is married. Maybe I'm way off base, and if so, I apologize. But I would recommend you to proceed with great caution if you proceed with this at all.

Good luck.

Peace,

John

Whatever u decide to do please, be extremely careful. set your boundries and dont "meet" until you think what u r gonna do and say, meet in a public place, dont drink at all...take every precaution u can.
Set an alarm in ur phone saying something to yoursefl every once in a while during ur "meeting" to keep u focus on the present

Hugs
Gabriel

I'm not going to read into what he says, I could do that all day long.

He has said he would talk to me, and I replied yesterday to ask him if it was OK to do it through FB, which he doesnt want to do, he has left me his home and cell numbers, and times he was free do to his work schedule.

It's worth a chance.

The chance paid off. I talked on the phone with him yesterday for an hour. I had prepared an outline and a couple specific questions, rather the best way to pose the questions.

Now this is someone who was a real close friend to me at early teens, and we haven't spoken in 20 years. I decided I would get right to the point with some disclosures about my life, and how the abuse has affected me. And he instantly identified with what I had experienced, and he disclosed to me information that I have longed to know. That at the time my friend sexually assaulted me first time, he himself was already being molested by the same man that would later work his way into my life and confidence and abuse me.

I'm still in shock I think, and I am aware of wanting it to sink in. I feel empty of emotion, I feel sad. It feels sad to put another piece in the puzzle.

I was aware I have been minimizing my experience and how its affected me as I was listening to him. It is also validating to know another person can corroborate events, effects, relationships, places. It was fascinating the detail that emerged now 30 years later!

My heart was pounding, I say pounding, as the time approached that I knew he agreed to call me.

I also learned he is 18 months older than me. And that was an issue for me in my self- forgivenness. I have come to understand that 18 months is a significant difference at age 14.

I do feel different today.
I feel like I can look forward to what will come my way.
Today is the first day after yesterday.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Ironically, my father emailed me this morning, asking how are you, and is there something that he's done that is why I am not replying to his emails.

Can you fucking believe the timing of that?

b2n,

glad this worked out for you... also glad to hear that you are now able to look at it that today is the first day of the rest of your life...

Wow Man! You are so brave and sounds like you got some helpful information. I hope this brings you to the next level of healing. It also sounds like it brought an opportunity for healing to your former friend. I am really proud of you and your positive results. WHOOHOOOWHOOOOOOO!!
Peace,
Shadow+Walker

You've got me SO nervous, but at the same time, I wish I could do the same.

All of this was possible first and foremost from knowing others were suffering like I was, the brotherhood and support here at ms. For me, I need to know the truth. Huge thank you for all the sharing.

B2N
Got tears and smiles from your post and a really good feeling that the intense emotional vacume within has imploded and released its energy

So glad the meeting gave you some confirmation. The true irony of life events seem to always have great consequence when we realize them.

And I admire your inner strength, thanks
Freedom