Newest Members
journey4two, VASurvivor, jayceemac, rwolf, FindingNemo
12328 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Alicia (55), bubblytam (56), crazydragon (39), JGag78 (36), kris82 (32), Shin (28)
Who's Online
2 registered (Thebo, 1 invisible), 75 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12328 Members
74 Forums
63394 Topics
443242 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#361511 - 05/05/11 08:23 PM Save my life
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 397
Loc: west coast
SAVING MY LIFE

I awoke, only to find my lungs empty
Through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm Breaking Down
I think I'm breaking down

And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainties
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down

Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now its like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be? This misery will suffice

I've become, the simple souvenir of someone's KILL
Like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul
As if the great divide could swallow me whole
Oh, how I'm breaking down

Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now its like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be? This misery will suffice

Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Someone come, Someone come and save my life

Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Could it be? This misery will suffice

For me, when i told it was like i awoke, the sleep could never take me again. And being a survivor is like being the souvenir of someone's kill. Sometimes i wished and sometimes i tried to make the great divide swallow me. But somehow it did't.
And i am tired of living with the uncertainties. I loved my life and my wife and yet i would draw away. From contact, from kiss, from love. Why would someone with all that, do that. I did not understand the mixed feelings and the confusion.
Was I just bi and have ssa from csa? If i just worked hard enough and truly understood the cost to myself and those i love i could confidently choose the right path. My first T piled on the guilt I already felt. Why couldn't i just get it?

Its like the night taking sides, and now so do I.

So if someone is going to save my life, it has to be me. I can't lie to myself and those i care about. I am not going to not breath ever again. This misery will no longer suffice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Xiq0IiGilXE

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

Top
#361541 - 05/06/11 01:14 AM Re: Save my life [Re: 1lifenow]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Dear 1lifenow,

Your poem is powerful as is your decision to be true to yourself. It's not always easy to sort out ones sexual orientation from the identity confusion caused by CSA. I admire your courage and strength to become who you were made to be.

I wish you all the best in life.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#361565 - 05/06/11 02:49 PM Re: Save my life [Re: 1.healing]
dbrannem Offline


Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 23
Loc: Atlanta
life1now,

The most poignant part of your poem for me is:

"being a survivor is like being the souvenir of someone's kill."

Explaining the moment of abuse as a death is hard for those that have not experienced it to grasp. Your path was forever changed - your future not what it was the day before.


I also related strongly to this:

"Sometimes i wished and sometimes i tried to make the great divide swallow me. But somehow it didn't. And i am tired of living with the uncertainties"

I always described it as a darkness that enveloped me, that I couldn't see through or get away from. I feel like I am still living with much uncertainty, but the darkness isn't as consuming.

I wish you well in finding your way.

_________________________
From Surviving to Thriving

http://www.brannem.com

Grateful 2011 WofR Dahlonega, GA Alumni

Top
#361899 - 05/11/11 12:26 AM Re: Save my life [Re: dbrannem]
Darrick Offline


Registered: 03/11/11
Posts: 27
Loc: So. California
Dear 1lifenow,

Your poem really hit home for me. Due to my csa, my life with my wife and family is slipping through my hands right now as I type this. You are so correct with "I loved my life and my wife and yet i would draw away. From contact, from kiss, from love. Why would someone with all that, do that. I did not understand the mixed feelings and the confusion."

I am with you through all this.

Darrick


Top
#361901 - 05/11/11 12:46 AM Re: Save my life [Re: Darrick]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Beautiful. Just beautiful.

I honor the questions in you.

Bless you on your journey.


Top
#361998 - 05/12/11 12:20 AM Re: Save my life [Re: 1lifenow]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6849
Loc: USA
1lifenow

During abuse the inner part of your brain gets programmed for fear and failure and distress. You can't reach it by your conscious thoughts.

Those thoughts are coming out while you sleep. You need to talk them out with a trusted T (therapist) or other trusted, competent person. As you get them out in the open they will lose control over you.

But even more than talk therapy, there is a technique called EMDR which will be highly effective to reach those inner hurting areas. But it must be done by a trained therapist.

Also in some cases hypnotherapy may work if done by a skilled therapist.

You can help yourself by talking it out here in MS in chat and in these discussion boards. Read how it affects others. It will give you social bridges to other guys struggling with the same stuff you are. That will really help you. Don't close yourself off to other people.

Get some of the recommended books on abuse and read them.

You are having a lot of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It is treatable. A good therapist can really help you with it. It doesn't have to stay like that.

Allen




Top


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.