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#3607 - 04/06/03 11:33 PM What happened today (trigger)
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
I was behind the register at the record store where I work. This guy came in, pretty average looking, wearing a blue jacket and jeans. He flipped through some CDs for a couple minutes then came up to the counter.

"Can I help you?" I said.

"Yeah," he said. "Can I take you home?"

I felt a rush of fear in my blood and looked down really quickly. I pretended to be re-arranging the stuff under the counter.

"No," I said. It came out as almost a whisper.

"That's too bad," he said.

I asked him if he was looking for any album in particular.

He said he wasn't really looking for a CD but he would buy one if it would get me closer to bed with him. He was being very forward but I suppose he figured I couldn't do much since I am small and don't look in the least assertive.

"I don't want to," I said. Again it came out much too quietly.

He leaned across the counter so his face was pretty close to mine and half-whispered something like "I know you like guys. Let me take you home and I'll fuck you 'till you bleed and I know you'll love it."

At this point I went into the back room and left him by himself at the counter. I felt as if I was going to have a panic attack. My hands were shaking really hard. Even after I heard the bell over the door ring (which meant he had left because there were no other customers in the store at the time, and it was a slow time in the day so no one else was probably coming in) I could not go back out into the store for two or three hours. I sent another employee out and stayed in back working on some inventory spreadsheets.

I could understand why anyone would be bothered by his last comment but I had no good reason to be bothered before that. People are supposed to be flattered when they get hit on... at least, guys are, girls don't seem to like it as much sometimes. I am gay so it is not a matter of it being the wrong gender. The fact that he hit on me means I am attractive, at least to him, so this should make me feel better, shouldn't it?

...but no... I would much rather someone call me ugly, a skinny freak, any kind of derogatory statement towards my appearance, because it makes me feel secure that I am not attractive and not something that others would want to use. I have been used by people who liked my face or my body or maybe both. I'm not all that attractive but I guess I am attractive enough for people to want to use me... so I want to be ugly. I want to think that no one uses ugly people.

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#3608 - 04/06/03 11:47 PM Re: What happened today (trigger)
rax Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/00
Posts: 75
Loc: Newark, CA
Hi Sick Puppy,

I can so relate to your feelings!
I was voted the cutest guy in college and I hate myself for it. I hate the fact that I look cute and vulnerable, and fuckable, and molestable! (I now have a weight problem that keeps some people from approaching me)

Reminds me of my childhood. People would tell me that i was very cute, and I would ask myself, "why did God make me cute?". Now, when i've started opening the pandoras box of my abuse, i realize the answer. I was made cute, so that I would be an identifiable victim. I was made cute, so that the perpetrators could separate the gullible and naive sheep from the rest.

God is so wicked sometimes...

Stay strong. dont stop loving yourself.
rax.


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#3609 - 04/07/03 02:27 AM Re: What happened today (trigger)
Ron_dup1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
Sick Puppy and Rax
I don't think your being cute has anything to do with your abuse. Perps are sick people who like to hurt children. Not everyone who thinks you are cute is a Perp who wants to hurt you. We have all been hurt badly by people who had NO respect for us or our bodies. I have a tendancy to project that idea onto others who don't deserve it. So when I read these posts it sounded like something I would say.
SP - I agree that the last comment made by the guy trying to pick you up was out of line and would have pushed me over the edge also. I am sorry it happened to you but you know what... You said no and you got out of there! Congratulations! I have spent too much of my life without a voice and frozen in fear. You responded so well!! Just tell him no and if he doesn't listen you remove yourself from the situation. You are a role model for me in how to deal with these kinds of situations. Thank you for sharing how you dealt with it. Even though you didn't think it was such a good way I can't think of a better way you could have dealt with it!


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#3610 - 04/07/03 02:40 AM Re: What happened today (trigger)
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
SP - GREAT JOB!! Like Ron I'm really proud of you! Your voice maybe soft now BUT IT IS YOUR VOICE !! You didn't let that creep get away with it!! I realize you were nervous BUT we humans get nervous and anxious when we are doing some new things! You were great! \:\)

I just get all excited when I hear of progress! ;\) Don't lose that voice now!!

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#3611 - 04/07/03 11:49 AM Re: What happened today (trigger)
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
Rax, I completely understand... I was a very cute child, very small, big eyes, cute face, etc. Adults always said things like "what a cute little boy!" I remember wishing I was ugly. I had a friend who was an incredibly ugly child. She grew up to be normal looking, but as a little kid she was just really strange looking and I remember wishing really hard that I looked like her so bad people wouldn't want me and would leave me alone. My mother often told me that she was lucky I was so pretty (that's the word she used) because it made me easier to sell. Now I know that it didn't matter how I looked. I would have been hurt anyway. Regardless, I can't help what I look like.

Even as an adult I am very small and have a thin body structure so I always feel very vulnerable. I look younger than I am. Sometimes I feel like people who find me attractive like the fact that I still look sort of like a child, and that makes me very uncomfortable. It seems to attract predators. They figure I would be easy to overcome.

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

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#3612 - 04/07/03 03:39 PM Re: What happened today (trigger)
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
I understand SP. I havent been to a dentist in years and don't exercise trying to be ugly. I used to be small too - 56 1/2lb. as a freshman in highschool. you handled things as well as I could have. I think I would have cried.

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#3613 - 04/07/03 06:11 PM Re: What happened today (trigger)
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
SP and Rax. I know where you are coming from. When I was physically abused as a youngster the only thing that I truly owned was my body and I worked hard to get it is terrific shape. I believed that my SA at Military College was because of my body. Later on the steet as a hustler I advertised my body to attract customers. I stayed in terrific shape and thought I was wanted for my body. That lasted until I got hooked on heroin and that does a real number on you. For years I spent my time being overweight (up to 320 lbs) and skinny (down to 135). I was terrified of being in shape. The only thing I still truly own is my body and I am now getting it back in shape. Why? Because I want to feel good about myself. I was terrified the first day at the health club having a shower with the other guys but nothing happened.
Now SP, as someone else said, even though your voice was soft it was you voice and that is a huge step.

I know how hard it is to have a good self image but you just took a major step forward. Keep it up.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#3614 - 04/07/03 07:21 PM Re: What happened today (trigger)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
SP
that shows what strength you have, even a low voice can convey "NO"

You were right to say "no" as well, the guys attitude stinks of abuser, it's nothing to do with sex - it's all about power, and he was on a power kick.

"NO" is a nice simple word, there's not too much to understand, even for low life like him.
I know that many of us have said "NO" before, and it made no difference, but we're stronger now.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#3615 - 04/07/03 08:15 PM Re: What happened today (trigger)
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
SP,

You've heard it from everybody, but I wanted to chime in anyway. You showed great strength, and you showed you can set appropriate boundaries and enforce them.

Be proud of your accomplishment. You deserve that.

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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