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#361454 - 05/04/11 09:51 PM Haven't been around
Hopefulone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 117
Loc: Ontario
I've been away lately. I think I'm taking some big steps, I just don't feel like they're much worth celebrating. I'm starting a men's group next Wednesday. I've told several friends about my CSA. I've met a couple survivors. I've been going to therapy. I just don't feel all the things people have been saying to me. I don't feel courageous. I don't feel like there's a reason to be proud. I don't feel relief...if anything else, I feel I could go back to the time before I 'came out' about my CSA. But I'm up and down so much, I don't know what to think. Friday I was proud for the first time...when I met the leader of the men's group and he told me I was in. And then by Friday night I had talked myself out of being proud of the accomplishment. Not a big deal to go to a 10 minute meeting. My therapist keeps saying how proud she is of me...but I don't feel it. I just want to argue with everybody who tells me I should cut myself some slack. I just want to tell people who say I shouldn't feel guilt or shame to shut up. I can't understand that I will get to that place where I won't feel weighed down by guilt and shame. I tried to work my way through a PTSD workbook, but it only made me hostile. I hold on to those things that make me think negatively. When the book tried to get me to think positively, I just wanted to kill somebody. I can't think positively or everything will fall apart. I'm sorry...I really haven't gotten to the point yet where I feel like popping in because I'm in a good mood. I don't feel good about coming in and complaining and dumping, either. There has to be give and take...but I haven't gotten to the give part here yet. I'm sorry. I'm just cranky and I'm trying to analyze my therapist appointment yesterday...and trying to read books and literature while hiding them from the kids. I feel like I have to carry the books that are holding my head above water in brown paper bags...because I'm ashamed to be seen with them. And I can't let the kids see them, because I still haven't decided if I'm going to tell them, even though my wife and I talked to the therapist about it and we kind of decided it might be best. I just want to punch myself in the face. And I just go about my daily life, smiling, talking, emailing, writing...and whatever else. I keep tapping and I can't stop, because if I do it'll all fall apart. And I came here tonight and nobody was in chat. I can't wait for the men's group next Wednesday...I would have run from it forever before now...but now that I know I'm going to be in it, I just want to be in it now. I just want to get there. I just want to be around these other men who will understand how I feel. I'm so tired of being me. I'm so tired of it I just want to scream. Come on, next Wednesday.


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#361455 - 05/04/11 09:56 PM Re: Haven't been around [Re: Hopefulone]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Huge steps as ever Kevin. Proud of ya Shakespere....

Good luck wish I could be part of that group...truly do.

Keith

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#361460 - 05/05/11 12:08 AM Re: Haven't been around [Re: kb8715]
Shadow+Walker Offline


Registered: 04/16/09
Posts: 287
Loc: desolate foggy nights, USA
Hopefulone,
Wow can I ever relate to what you are saying!! If I am not saying these same things tonight about myself then I have said them in the not so distant past. There is no way I can go to a group now. I did for a while but had to move and am now not sure of the benefits to joining another group at this juncture. I am proud of you that you are going to the group. I am proud that you came here to be with us. I am proud that you reached out to others inspite of your apprehensions. Thank you for posting this message tonight. Because of you I don't feel so alone tonight.
Peace,
Shadoe+Walker

_________________________
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and self discipline. (St Paul, 2Timothy 1:7) NIV

Check out a cool song by a hot band..."Unbreakable" by Fireflight: official video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

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#361494 - 05/05/11 12:09 PM Re: Haven't been around [Re: Shadow+Walker]
Hopefulone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 117
Loc: Ontario
Thank you both. So much. Because of reading your replies, I don't feel so alone either. It's difficult times. Thank you for understanding.


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#361498 - 05/05/11 01:42 PM Re: Haven't been around [Re: Hopefulone]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 695
Loc: NJ
Hope,

keep at it man....one bad messgae has a way to mess up more than 100 good messages that we hear...and yea come on next wed...U can make it dude.

I'm with keith...jealous of that cool group you are gonna belong too..great men there...u belong, and will do fine.

Breathe..and go easy on yourself a bit there dude

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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