Hi

I am from South Africa, Cape Town and am 29 years of age, the youngest of five kids. At the age of nine, I would 'like' to think that I was raped along with a school friend of mine(lets call my friend 'Jo') whom I persuaded to come with me that day. I loved nature and all contained in it; and still do. This is why we went to a nearby river to catch frogs and bugs to take to school with us the next day.

Whilst putting on our shoes and socks I walked ahead slowly waiting for Jo to hurry; there, ahead of me I saw this man who wore a white T-shirt and asked if he could see what I had in the jar. Naively I walked over to him to show him. He proceeded to grab a hold of my wrist and told me that if I refused to call Jo over he would break the jar and use the glass to murder me and then him. I motioned for Jo to come this way, he did, and this man (who I remember - called himself 'the professor') told us not to be afraid of him and not to cry(Jo cried the whole way through) and asked us if we had ever been with a man. I distinctly remember trying to think of the answers he would want to hear that would have him decide to set us on our way home without any incident. i tried every answer I could think of. I even pretended to be happy about this. I wish I had told Jo to run.

I really hate what happened that day because I persuaded my friend to come along with me, I was not penetrated that day but Jo was (The reason...? Remains unknown to me) We were both made to do horrible things to one another and I feel empty for what happened. I got home late that day and I told my Dad that I had been sent for detention ( he picked me up from school that day) because I never completed my homework from the previous day.I got scolded for my disobedience and thought that would be the end of it. Little did I know...

I still never resent being naive for some reason; this; looking in retrospect.

Many years later I managed to get through high school with relatively good grades. My past...never really in power of a full blown haunt. Especially odd since it happened again on another two occasions of which the last I was 15 and managed to get out of("half way through"). I was always mocked at school for either being way to attached to the natural world, or persecuted for my then feminine voice, my name, etc. I should have been a sportsman, less time spent reading and catching bugs and more playing Rugby.
I began to hate myself for this.

I got older and so did my sense of self-loathing and hatred. I went to USA for summer camp where I was exposed mentally and emotionally, to homosexuality. This had already been brewing within me for quite sometime prior to my U.S exposure. The mockery and name calling sometimes bulling got me believing what people were saying about/to me (occasionally-family were ignorantly inclusive of this- but they meant no harm I'm sure). I came home from my travels and so did my demons. I really began to feel my past eat at my mind, and my heart. Over years this grew stronger and stronger. I grew up as a Christian boy and distanced myself from this way of life ( not getting answers to help I needed or not knowing how to listen). Eventually turning to other forms of comfort and communing with god.

I found drugs(of various kinds), alcohol then promiscuity after my first heterosexual experience. This soon blossomed into homosexual promiscuity. All the while I never once told anyone about what had happened to me...not even my parents. This went on for a few years. I felt dirty guilty comfort in this. People (older men) telling me how beautiful I was...I knew that this was never true because... I felt used afterward. My 'eyes' were always 'open' during. I knew something was amiss but I wasn't smart enough to know what it was yet.

I eventually failed at University and really struggled to keep myself afloat running away from home to live in the wild for a while and the drugs drove me to a few attempts of suicide... a total melt down. Still I told nothing of how I was really feeling.

Later years I moved out of my home city to pursue my career...

Here after some heterosexual relationships, I eventually came out as a gay man. This was devastating to my parents though they offered me the support I needed. Sexually I played it safe...always.

I want to have kids, and a wife and be married and teach them how to be good people, because deep down inside I know I'm worth something. I only need help believing it...oh...how difficult this is.

Then this one time...just this one time. He removed the protection (without telling me) because he wanted to give me a gift.

He gave me HIV. This...was three months ago.

You know what the weirdest thing of all is. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I feel sad and destroyed; immeasurably so; but I'm not ready to die from this -a terminal- disease. I WANT HEALING FROM THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate being so freaking gullible. This cant be the end; I'm not referring to AZT's and simple healthy living. I mean I want HEALING FROM THIS...AND I AM GOING TO HAVE IT.

I can help way to many people and see way too many things, enjoy life in ways I've always wanted to.

I'm afraid... I really am. Please help me...

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How does God speak, because I am listening. Someone help me!