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#361166 - 05/01/11 12:40 PM Alone, afraid & doubts
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2430
Loc: TEXAS
****MAY BE TRIGGERING****TRIGGER WARNING****TRIGGER WARNING***
Hi, my brothers.

I'm alone,it's a dark & dreary day here both weather wise & in my thoughts & feelings. I have my CD disk with the music from my first WoR at Dahlonega, Ga, 2 years ago this month. Blaring away to try and drown out my thoughts & feelings of at times hopelessness. You see I have loved myself mostly, as nobody else hardly did. There was ONE person whom did or so I thought. Just he and I in my early years, physically, mentally & emotionally. He had become a huge part of me, in mind, body & soul. You all know about that & my struggles in dealing with it.

I have been pretty much thinking about myself and my hopes & dreams of finding a partner. This past week. As I finally tried to go out & spend time with my gay community brothers/friends. To try and end my self imprisonment. To share an emotional connection to others like me.

Being a life long shy & lonely boy/man, whom has been trying to desperately understand himself. I do know who & what i am.

I know my hopes & dreams for the rest of my life.
But when I'm alone & it's a dark & dreary day my emotions will shift to that setting. I get sexual thoughts, i start thinking about those sexual pleasures that pretty much have run my life. I'll start doing sexual things to myself, I'll want to go into the gay porn site & relive those pleasures of so long ago. Me and him. Me & him, there in person, emotionally & physically, no actors there, just me and him. In the name of someone loving me. So terribly wrong.

I don't want to ever be alone, I don't ever want to feel that i'm not worthy of love.

I don't want to be afraid to be able to share, my emotions, my love, my physical & mental being with another man.

But, I have grave doubts that this shy & lonely boy/man will ever reach his hopes & dreams of finding true happiness in his lifetime that is left. I feel very sad, my hopes, my dreams, my thoughts.......

Dark & dreary days alone, afraid & with his doubts. A deadly combination at times.In my heart,soul & being.

I am glad that I have the love & hope from my brothers here, as I'm in a dark & dreary mood & for me it's a very bad place to be.

Heal well my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever, into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#361169 - 05/01/11 01:21 PM Re: Alone, afraid & doubts [Re: petercorbett]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
(((Pete))) My hugs and love to you my dear WoR brother. Earlybird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#361172 - 05/01/11 01:44 PM Re: Alone, afraid & doubts [Re: petercorbett]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 725
Loc: United States
Pete,

I know the feeling of loneliness and isolation. (((Pete))) Making a beginning like this can be hard. Anytime we do something new and risk ourselves it can be.

Your words could be those of any man, at any age, coming out and working to open and understand his own heart by connecting with another. I know that what you wrote could have been written by me at another time. I'm drawn back to something I wrote recently that I think is relevant here, also:

Quote:
I don't think any relationship that matters is built solely, or even primarily, on physical attributes.

I'm in a 10+ year relationship now with someone a few years younger than me. I was never a bar scene person and while I'm pretty good socially, when it came to dating guys I was very, very shy.

For me, it was accepting that I might be alone for the rest of my life. Making peace with that possibility put me in a relaxed place where I could be most like myself. And when that happened, I met him.

Nothing is as attractive as someone who is comfortable in their own skin, no matter how old they are.

Relationships of any kind are a numbers game. You have to get out and meet a certain number of people to make friends or find a partner. You said "As I finally tried to go out & spend time with my gay community brothers/friends..." Can you talk about your experience? (No need to, I just found your account of your visit)

-efm



Edited by Ever-fixed Mark (05/01/11 01:47 PM)
Edit Reason: Updated with link to another post
_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#361241 - 05/02/11 02:39 AM Re: Alone, afraid & doubts [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 208
Loc: Oregon
Peter,

You speak of loneliness, isolation and having one person that ever loved you.

I see a man reaching out, to his brothers, 2 responding within the hour.

I see a man paying attention to where he is going but forgetting how far he has come.

I hear a man wanting a lover but not seeing the sharing of friends.

I may not be a close friend, but I do think about you and wish you well. Please remember, when you feel alone, that you aren't.

Physical love, you will find on your own, or not, but never think that you are not loved.

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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