Hello reader,

Well, thanks for your interest, I'm just gonna warn you here that this post may get long. I really don't know yet. And I'm gonna be quite open so there may be triggering parts.

Well... I was born as the youngest of three boys in 1989. I was raised as a christian, not really religious, it's more been a personal thing. My childhood was not perfect, but it wasn't bad either. I think my parents really tried and did their best. My brothers, well... they sometimes gave me a hard time. It isn't easy being the youngest especially when the other two are much closer age wise. And this is, where I think, the base was laid. I just wasn't capable of defending myself, of standing up for myself 'cause well... I was just smaller and younger. And my parents weren't just always able to react accordingly. There I've learnt that when I try to defend myself I just get more vulnerable.

I recall a specific situation where I was mad about something, and not just the defiant way, but really sad and angry, well the reaction was, that the rest of the family made fun of me and tock some photos 'cause it was so hilarious to them.

Well I saw myself as the black sheep of the family, I wasn't as good in school as my brothers were. I wasn't as sportive as them. Then my pet died. Iíve been told and I've believed that it was totally my fault. That was a turning point. It broke me. I started being more introvert. I started gaining weight.

Some years later, I must have been about 11 to 12 mobbing started at school. My parents tried to support me, my teacher didn't, and I hated school.

Here after the sixth grade you go to secondary school. The change was a chance for me, I felt good in the new environment. 'till the panic attacks started... When I had to go to school I would throw up. Up to 7-8 times a morning. I would shiver, cry, and scream. Everybody around was totally incapable of dealing with it. They tried though.

I had to go to a totally incompetent douche of psychiatrist. Oh how I hated those sessions.

This was the first time I really thought about suicide. But I always chickened out.

I did some EMDR trauma stuff. Well I got better. I could change to a private school and had no problems with going to school. I was also more or less quite happy. It's a strange time to think of. As I said, I felt happy at times. But I wasn't complete. There I also had a well "abusive" friendship. I loved this guy. He meant the world to me, I would submit everything to him. He'd sometimes beat me. There was no sexual side to it. Although I sometimes had fantasies.

And then... one day... I was out with my dog, this (most likely) Spanish guy approaches me in English (May have to add that I'm from a German speaking country). Talks to me about god and the world. Asks if I have a girlfriend. Flatters me, asks me if I ever had sex. I still remember how I told him that I didn't want to have sex 'till marriage. At that time I was a pretty assured christian.

The strange thing, after this conversation another stranger approached me and asked me about the "Spanish" one. He told me to watch out.

Well a couple of weeks later, it was a Sunday. I was just on my way home. And there he came, only about 100 meters away from my safe home. He started talking with me again. More and more about sexual topics. He asked me to follow him to a bit remote playground. I knew what was to come. I knew. But I was frozen. A fact which made me hate myself for a long time. There he would ask me if someone touched my penis yet. I said no. So he touched. Then he told me to touch his. I did. He knew I was his. He asked me if we could go to a small wood with more privacy. I said yes. He told me to say goodbye und walk there on different routes. And so I did. There I stood. Not knowing what to do... I don't want to get to graphic here. But the whole thing involved oral and anal penetration. Luckily we got distracted by a stranger. He told me to run away.

It was really bad. I was so confused. I wanted it, I said yes, was I gay?... I tried to tell someone about it by E-Mail. But destiny didn't want me to. So I had a typo in the e-mail adress, so it never made it to the receiver.

Well the following years I vegetated. I didnít live. Most times I wouldn't be happy, I wouldn't be sad. I would just be. There were strong homosexual fantasies. I didn't act out on them till I was 17. Then it was my pressure release. It would help me to ease my inner pressure. Well at least for 2-4 weeks. At the beginning of action out it was all terrible. But I got used to it. After some time I called it my dark side. I didn't like "it", but it was there and I couldn't do anything about it.

A journey around the world really helped me. It was a totally good experience. I felt alive again. Was happy. Well I'd still meet strangers, but besides that...

This change of attitude peaked in my first girlfriend. She survived physical abuse. I was so happy at the beginning. It was a blast. But soon it changed. The whole relationship was uneven. I never learned to defend myself, she "over defended" herself. Even the slightest thing that was odd to here and she would explode. I lost my new gained life. My life was work and my girlfriend. I was burned out. Not happy anymore.

After a lot of struggle I somehow managed to break up. Hard times. She was my coworker.

After this breakup I thought that I need to change things in my life or I'll never be happy again. It kind of happened that a woman who was a close friend before my first relationship and who I abounded during my relationship cared for me. Wasn't resentful. She lives about 1000km away. So I don't see here often. But I needed to get away so I visited for a weekend. It was a good time. And on our last evening we talked about our lives. And I just had to tell. It was a magical moment. It was painful and indescribable. But she was there for me. I donít know how to describe.
After that. WellÖ all got bad. I was searching for help. Which was hard. Work was really hard. I had to face my ex on a daily basis. I felt as helpless as Iíve never felt before. Like caged in a sphere of glass. The second time with suicidal thoughts. That was about a year ago. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the system, and after some others I found a therapist who made me feel save.

We worked with hypnosis. Talked about my childhood where she showed me patterns. It was really a blast. And then finally in December we did the trauma confrontation. It was hurt, and tears, and pain, and forgiveness, and love for my 14 year old self.

Another magical moment. All fantasies I had about meeting strangers just disappeared. (I hadnít actually acted out for half a year but had ongoing fantasies). I went to the police to fill a report. Went through their mug shot database without result. And am now waiting for the letter which says that the case is closed without result. After about two months the fantasies reappeared and still sometimes do. But I Ąfinishedď my therapy. We both thought that thereís nothing concrete to work at. That Iím happy and in charge. But still I can call her if Iím in need. Iím quite happy with that.

What I miss is a place where I can share my stories, talk about issues, discuss things, and thatís what led me here to you brothers.

Iím happy to be here.
Gnuff