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#360876 - 04/27/11 03:57 PM Do you have close male friends?
Gnuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 13
Loc: Switzerland
Hello,

Well just recently after visiting a vastly important female (platonic) friend of mine a question popped up in my head.

When I look at my present situation and the past aswell I see that all the people with whome I've talked about personal issues were women.

It's not that I'm afraid of men. I mean there's one guy who I would call a close friend. But we seldom talk about personal stuff, it's more about doing stuff together.

And I kind of easily get in touch with women. What I mean is, that women seem to trust me quite easily, and I feel comfortable talking to them where as I don't kind of want or feel like talking to any guy about personal stuff. I don't even make real male friends except that one. And I'm not kind of doing it either. On the other hand i think it would be great and also much less complicated when in a relationship.

So back to my initial question, do you have male friends? Do you know what I mean?

Peace

Gnuff


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#360880 - 04/27/11 04:13 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Gnuff]
dbrannem Offline


Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 23
Loc: Atlanta
Gnuff -

This is definitely a struggle for me. It's one thing my CSA definitely left behind as collateral damage. I am working very hard to see if I can overcome it - I am afraid that I may be unable to do it correctly and authentically. I feel like it could "fix" some things for lack of a better term.

I originally wanted to work with a female therapist for this reason, but ended up with a male and I think that's a good thing. He is "paid" to be my friend, but it's good practice in learning how to open up and be vulnerable to another male, something that I was taught in my past was not a safe thing.

Don't know if that helped or not - more to just say I can empathize with you.

_________________________
From Surviving to Thriving

http://www.brannem.com

Grateful 2011 WofR Dahlonega, GA Alumni

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#360881 - 04/27/11 04:22 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: dbrannem]
Gnuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 13
Loc: Switzerland
thank you dbrannem

just hearing that it is an issue others have and not just me being weird helps.

it's one point why I've chosen a female therapist by the way. i thought there's enough struggle so i don't need to add any unnecessary hurdles. well and I tried it with one male therapist which was just unbearable for me.

are you "happy" with your choice?


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#360893 - 04/27/11 06:25 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Gnuff]
JustSurviving Offline


Registered: 04/22/10
Posts: 47
Loc: Hell
Gnuff,

My "best friend" from 3rd grade on is a guy. Having said that he never knew a thing about me personally - what I thought, what I felt, what happened to me regarding abuse, why I chose certain behaviors and shunned others, etc... until we were in our 40s. And he only found out about some of the more superficial reasons and not directly from me. I just didn't trust him - he's a guy. And it solidified my thought process a little bit more when he told me after he found out some of them that he had always wondered why _I_ could never get along with my (list of abusers here).

If I had my choice, all of my friends would be female. But because I am married, essentially I have no friends.


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#360916 - 04/28/11 03:19 AM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Gnuff]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
The fact is men rarely open their hearts to each other, talking stuff that matters to them emotional life let alone spiritual life. Normally we need booze as social lubricant, and a distraction or an event like watch sports together to meet up. Just meeting, just like that over coffee would deemed to be a date, which scares many, unlike women who regular meet their girlfriends and chat up, without the fears....of labels!...No wonder women have lower heart disease rates the world over! Men open up only when they get too drunk! wink...

After a while just having a friend is enough, a soul connection is important, and souls have no gender!

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#360922 - 04/28/11 08:22 AM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Morning Star]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Having a real good friend is incredible and I have found a big part of all kinds of reovery from the tough things life dishes up, not just abuse recovery.

I'm not the only guy here who has a freind who is more like a brother than a friend. The term used is "brothers from different mothers".

In our case our wives are very close (my buddy will ask me to speak to his wife in fact at times about things he wants..."talk to her, she listens to you!"....). Our kids are very close as well. My best friend knows nothing about my abuse and I don't have a plan to disclose.

By the way, there are a few guys here I feel that close with as well. Having a small tight network of recovery "sponsors" is vital I have found. My T has strongly encouraged that as part of recovery. As good as the resources to us all are, I don't think there is any repleacement for being able to connect with another man who knows exactly what we went through & feel. Those men look out for me, and I them, on our good days and bad.

I truly think each of us should have those type freinds here. Pick them carefully, make them earn your trust, prove to them you can be trusted, then really talk about all the things that effect us all. Good advice comes from people of all ages, places, and experiences. By example some of the best advice I get here is from a man my oldest son's age (19) who has helped me try to connect as best I can with the single most important man in my life....my son.

Good luck Gnuff. Keep asking questions, try the chat room, PM guys whose posts make sense to you, and heal....

Keith





Edited by kb8715 (04/28/11 08:29 AM)
_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#360926 - 04/28/11 10:04 AM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: kb8715]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
Hiya Gnuff,

Man, can I speak on this subject forever. I have ALWAYS wanted a really close male friend that I could share deep stuff with. Someone that I could love (without the sex) and who would love me back without hesitation. Someone I could talk to about anything and everything. Things as inane as sports or as deep as what's in my heart and mind. Almost like a T but without the cost.

I once had a friend like that. I thought the world of him. I loved him like the brother I'd never had. I know he had similar feelings for me but just little more guarded (at the time we were friends I knew no boundaries - mistake). We were both married and loved our wives. We both considered (and I still do) them our real companions.

Then one day he left. He had taken another job out of state and since neither one of us liked to hang on the phone or write letters (email hadn't hit it's stride yet) we lost touch of each other.

So now I search. Maybe he's out there. Maybe not. I have plenty of female friends. More than I care to have. But there's nothing like a male friend that is more than just buddy or pal (plenty of them out there who's ability to hold a meaningful conversation runs as deep as talking about sports or the latest model on Maxim).

You know part of our deal may have something to do with our lack of a close relationship with our fathers. I know I didn't. It left a void. Just thinking out loud on that point.

So here's to our hunt for a good friend!



Edited by Rusty563 (04/28/11 10:05 AM)
_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#360927 - 04/28/11 10:06 AM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: kb8715]
Alex22 Offline


Registered: 01/16/11
Posts: 15
Hey Gnuff,

I don't think that its that guys don't want to open up to each other about personal things, even if you have a very strong friendship between you. It's more a function of society saying that its not normal for us to do.

Like Morning Star said there is a stigma attached to going out and telling your good guy friend what you are going through and how you're feeling. Even though no one will say anything or judge you because guess what, its a basic human need to be understood by others especially friends and family, we crave it. It's the media and the image of what a man should and shouldn't be. It doesn't mean anyone has to follow that notion.

I wrote a post on a similar topic to this and just thought I'd share, because it answers your question from my perspective.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5063#Post355063

Keep asking questions and talking here, it really does help just as Keith and others have said

--
Alex



Edited by Alex22 (04/28/11 10:09 AM)
_________________________
"If we want to cross
over to the other
shore, we cannot
just run on the same
side of the river."
-Anonymous

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#360936 - 04/28/11 12:10 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Morning Star]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Quote:
The fact is men rarely open their hearts to each other, talking stuff that matters to them emotional life let alone spiritual life.


I felt this way too until I met the guys at the Mankind Project...


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#360937 - 04/28/11 12:11 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
I hope you find that true, deep, authentic, honoring connection with another man. It is truly something special.

smile


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#360958 - 04/28/11 02:19 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: risingagain]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
My best friends are the ones I share some sort of recovery or spiritual journey with-having that in common is a bond that goes deep and helps foster trust, mutual understanding, respect, vulnerability, and intimacy.

These men teach me I am not alone, I am capable, I have hope, and that I need outside perspectives on my life. They are safe yet imperfect-which is a huge lesson to me that I don't have to be perfect to show up.

Mankind project is a non recovery community I have that is powerfully bonding and enlightening for me. I'm off to help staff a weekend training of theirs which will help strengthen and build me on my journey.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ďIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#360959 - 04/28/11 02:35 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: risingagain]
Gnuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 13
Loc: Switzerland
Thank you all for answering,

you know, its not like I'm not having friends, but to say the friends I talk to are women, I mean there's one who is a sister to me whith whome i'd talk about everything without any exceptions. She's also the one who I told about the abuse, which kind of connects to what Alex22 writes in his link. It's an incredible well not explaneable thing to have someone like this.

But the fact that she is female sometimes makes it a bit confusing. 'Cause the bond betwen us is very strong and we're very close it sometimes gets a bit confusing if there are more feelings than "just friendship".

I mean, it's more that i do have my supporters, and when i think about it there is one male, who is my (biological) brother.

Well I think it may has to do with my father who never really talked about feelings. And it may has to do with beeing the youngest of three brothers which was often kinda hard (I'm not taling about sexuale abuse here)

It's not even that I'm not happy with having females as friends, it just struck me as odd. well... mhm... I kinda don't know what to do about it cause somehow i'm fine with how it is, but on the other hand it bothers me.

It's also what JustSurviving sais, 'bout having to give up close friendships to females 'cause of the partner.

Well hope that wasn't to confusing. If it is it may have to do with my confusion.

ha, here's another question, do you have "a lot" pals, I mean persons who you hang out with, have a casual (nonsexual) relationship but who arent really close to you? That's something I'm missing. A person is close and important to me, or it isnt, there's like nothing in between. You know that?

It's nice to have this place smile

Gnuff


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#360960 - 04/28/11 03:07 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Gnuff]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
I have several pals/buddies. Most of them co-workers. The only one I'm closest to happens to be my supervisor. In fact he knows that I was sexually abused and has been so compassionate and supportive that he floors me. I think if it weren't for the fact that we have to keep a professional distance, we'd share more time together. Other than that, there's no one in real life.

You said "It's nice to have this place" and you're absolutely right. Here, there are men who know EXACTLY where you're coming from and you don't have to put up any false pretenses. It's a relief aint it?

Rusty



Edited by Rusty563 (04/28/11 03:10 PM)
_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#360962 - 04/28/11 03:48 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Rusty563]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
I don't. I never let anyone close enough. I'm sure they wanted to, but I couldn't. I guess i always thought I had to disclose everything in order to be a real friend. I realize now , I don't. I always felt that if I opened myself up to friendship, I would inevitably get hurt. I'm learning to make friends, I have made some good ones in here.

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#360964 - 04/28/11 04:12 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Anthony39]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 262
Loc: Undisclosed
TRIGGERS>>>>>>>>>>

This one is emotionally word bound for me. I had a close friend at 12, 13, 14, and at 15, he one night sexually assaulted me, and i think my ability to develop male friendships was deeply deeply tainted. for over two years, we continued to engage in acts. i had a dream about him two nights ago, in which we were having sex, and i made him stop. we were more our current age, rather than young, in the dream.

by last night, i re-found his profile on facebook and finally had the nerve to contact him, after 22 years, to make first contact, but in the hopes that we can discuss what happened.

i had more dreams of him last night. it was chilling to see a recent pic of him and his wife. we are both mid 40s now.

i am aware that in the dreams, i made him stop doing things to me.

the whole thing just zaps me of my happiness.


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#360968 - 04/28/11 05:17 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: brother2none]
Sacred_Sage Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/07
Posts: 141
Do I have close male friends?

Absolutely.

Has it always been easy?

Not really. It was a really big adjustment on their part and on my part. There was a lot of things that I had to work through but none of them regret it nor do I. I think it was a pretty important step in my recovery.

_________________________
http://youtu.be/HL297ZTYVRM <---- In case you ever wondered what I sound like.

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#360970 - 04/28/11 05:23 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: risingagain]
dbrannem Offline


Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 23
Loc: Atlanta
Gnuff,

Having a male therapist has actually been very helpful. Sorry it took me so long to respond. He is safe and it helps to serve as a proxy to potentially opening up to another man - I can see how it might work.

Alex22- your story is great and so inspiring. Thanks for sharing.

_________________________
From Surviving to Thriving

http://www.brannem.com

Grateful 2011 WofR Dahlonega, GA Alumni

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#360989 - 04/28/11 09:18 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: dbrannem]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Gnuff I have always had tons of friends and hide really well all my basic fears. I think I have a great fake smile even. I was even President of a large fraternity in college....I think I had hiding (isolating) in plain sight down to perfection.

Even now we are a really social family but I like just being with our family or a few close friends even more.

Gnuff you will make some very good freinds here with time as well. Keep posting, keep asking, keep reading, try chat, and you will get some good practical support as well as the chance to really relate with men who understand how you feel.

You get the point, this plays out lots of different ways for us each. Be well.



Edited by kb8715 (04/28/11 09:19 PM)
_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#360999 - 04/28/11 10:47 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: kb8715]
Moortje Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/20/09
Posts: 104
Loc: Oregon
This is a very interesting topic, and I'm honestly not positive where I fall in the spectrum.

Growing up as a boy, I only had female friends. I was terribly sensitive and identified much more with girls. That completely flipped in 6th grade, and the vast majority of my closest friends were male.

Going into high school, that shifted again as my social circle began to shrink into smaller, more personal relationships, with a select few female friends.

In my life, I have grown to find it surprisingly possible to bond with either sex and form a very close, intimate friendship with them. For the past 5 years or so however, I've shifted back to almost exclusively male close/best friends.

I should preface this next part with the disclaimer that I DO consider myself a feminist, proudly so. However, my own personal experience with women has led me to have a deeply low opinion of them in terms of being trustworthy confidantes.

Despite being gay my entire life, both major, devastating heartbreaks I've felt in my life were caused by female (now former) "best friends". I have been betrayed by women far more painfully than by men, ever. So much so that I suppose I decided to myself that, although I would still be open to having female friends, never again would I hold one in a high enough regard to ever truly open up to her.

It has been my experience, and again I want to stress that I'm not trying to be inflammatory, that there is a clear difference between the way men and women I've known handle conflicts or disputes. In my experience, if a guy has a problem with me, he will immediately make that clear, explain the grievance, what I can do to address/correct it, and if he says he forgives me, I know that he truly doesn't hold a grudge and won't dredge it up in the future to bludgeon me with during a completely unrelated disagreement. I have found things to be the opposite with women. Cattiness, manipulation, sadism, pettiness, and vindictiveness were usually the order of the day.

In terms of relating to men vs women, I heard once that a study showed that men tend to emotionally bond while "doing things", like working on a project, whereas women emotionally bond just by speaking to each other. I have found this to be very true in my own experience; I could simply talk to women about personal issues, whereas I usually bonded with most of my guy friends (who started out as coworkers) by working together, and we were actually still able to discuss any number of personal issues just as long as we were also preoccupied with a menial work task or something. After that initial opening up and bonding with a guy though, we could then talk about things without needing the side-activity.

Just my thoughts.
~Matty


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#361025 - 04/29/11 12:54 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Moortje]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
Matty raises a good point. Most males tend to bond while "doing things" together and women tend to bond by talking.

Men who are bonded can argue and then go out for a beer. Women who are allegedly bonded, argue and hold grudges for years.

God, I'm glad I'm a man.

Rusty

_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

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#361032 - 04/29/11 04:14 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Rusty563]
Drop Offline


Registered: 04/16/11
Posts: 121
i used to.. but not anymore after we went into fostercare when i was 14

_________________________
Broken eyed and shutdown
Running down the road
Send me straight to hell
Watch me burn, watch me burn

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#361065 - 04/29/11 08:28 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Drop]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my brothers.

Well, being in a male dominated world, orphanage/Home, military & military civilian. I had tons of male friends.

But, in the military in my duty section we were very close. We knew things about each other that even our wives didn't know about. However I never discussed my real sexual orientation with them, as I was married like most of them. But that only lasts as long as you are stationed with them. We try and not get attached to each other emotionally as one day we will have to say goodbye to each other. And that can be an emotional disaster.

As of now, I have four real close male friends (in person). Two of them are military retiree buddies of mine. They were the first two human beings that I disclosed my sexual abuse to when it all came to my conscious mind. They instantly gave me their compassion, understanding & love. They will standby me. I didn't tell my wife until a few months later, as she knew something was terribly wrong with me. But, she was the last person on this earth that i would have told. as i had seen how she viewed my lesbian niece. What would she think about that (gay) man that she married??

Those four persons whom i see either every day or monthly or every six months or so. Are just like me. A sexually abused boy/adolescent/adult. They all know about my SECRET as I know about theirs. They have my trust, as I have theirs. I have a piece of their heart & soul in me, as I'm sure that they have a piece of mine.

I have about 100 or so other REAL close friends..more like brothers whom I have met at those WoR's. Most of us know each others SECRET not in shame nor guilt nor judgement. But in each others heart & soul forever.

Yes I sure do, right here and you are one of them..

Not bad considering that i am extremely shy & still pretty much a loner. But, my close male friends here are changing this boy/man ever so slowly.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#365463 - 07/04/11 11:58 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Gnuff]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
I have no close male friends, and feel like I've missed out on this incredible bond, I either suspect they will call me a faggot, somehow no I'm not a "man" or just not be interested because I'm not interesting?
I marvel at my nephews buddies, and my brothers friends when I was younger, the ease at which they spent time and interacted with each other- I immediately sexualize any guy who appears at all to be interested in being my friend, or I become just distant enough so that we can never be friends. I'm 45, my two male friends since high school, one was gay, the other had friends who thought I was gay...lots of fun

_________________________
I don't have one

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#365483 - 07/05/11 09:43 AM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Sailboat92]
Happy Birthday Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
When I was little, before the abuse starting at age 11, I had several close male friends. I was always a sensitive kid, lousy at sports, but artistic and creative. After the abuse, I started feeling very threatened by other males. Throughout my teen years and into adulthood, all my friends have been female. Interestingly, my three closest male friends from childhood are all now openly gay. I had a brief sexual relationship with one of the three when I was 19.

My wife tries to encourage me to attempt to form male friendships, but I continue to feel threatened by males, or sexualize them the second I lay eyes on them. She's wanted me to attend men's prayer groups at church. Tried it and felt very awkward and scared. I can't sustain any kind of conversation with guys; they either want to talk about investment portfolios or sports, neither of which I care a bit about.

So, no, no close male friends for me, despite the last three years of therapy. The only males I feel comfortable with are my virtual friends here. This is where I feel safe.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#365484 - 07/05/11 11:06 AM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I have struggled with maintaining male friendships since my assault in my late twenties. Before then I had several close male in my life and one very close best friend. Afterwards I lost my connection with each one without an official ending to the relationships.

In the years since then I have had some male friends but after a time we seemed to drift. I always had the sense I was not able to keep up with them in the man category. I have some now but we do not see much of each other and I think that is mostly my fault. I do not feel real close to these guys but like them a lot.

I do miss having a solid connection to another man.

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#365517 - 07/05/11 11:10 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
John here too, perhaps we can be virtual friends, as you just described everything I feel!

_________________________
I don't have one

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#365569 - 07/06/11 09:53 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Sailboat92]
Happy Birthday Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Sounds good, Sailboat. Feel free to PM me anytime!

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#366622 - 07/26/11 01:48 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: risingagain]
Chris5525 Offline


Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 17
I do not have but 1 real friend and they are a female. I have not had a close male friend in many years and dont know if I ever will.


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#366662 - 07/26/11 05:42 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Chris5525]
Joec1964 Offline


Registered: 10/29/10
Posts: 5
Not really no. Always kept them in their compartments. Work, family friend ie someone's husband. Small talk. I do not know how.


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#366738 - 07/27/11 12:56 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Joec1964]
Incognito Offline


Registered: 04/17/11
Posts: 105
The opposite is true for me. I am very fortunate to have a handful of male friends that I can hang out with when shit hits the fan. Very rarely do we discuss our feelings, unless it is in anger, about what is going on with our life. This aspect of our friendship has been crucial for me for the past few weeks. Hanging out, talking, telling jokes, laughing, watching movies, eating, drinking and having a good time. None of them know my story or have any idea about when I was younger.

On the flip side, I have female friends but not many that are 'close'. Right now I may be able to say two but the one thing I have learned about the male-female relationship is that it's very fragile. One week you two can be great friends and the next she meets a guy and you never hear from her again. I couldn't count the times this has happened. You do not get that with males. If they find a girlfriend, we may not hang out as much but we always remain in contact and still go out and do things. I think this is why I am less likely to get attached to a female. It sucks to be close to someone and have them leave behind the friendship like it wasn't important to them.

_________________________
"If you're willing to carry the weight, feel the strain, push past the pain, and give more of yourself than others expect of you, the world is yours." - Dave Tate

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#366759 - 07/27/11 07:16 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: risingagain]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
I always thought it was just me! No male friend. I have many female friends, all of them are my wives. Looking at this deeper, they are hers, I have no friends, male or female! I'm just will go ahead and shoot myself. Kiddin!
My wife has pushed me to get back in touch with my old childhood and college friends. Great! They live 2,200 miles away, don't have computers, or even smart phones! I them, and sound like 'Kathy chatty' while they are figuring a way to gracfully got off the phone. So I write, snail mail, my letters get too long, they never respond back; that leads me back to Ellen's friends that I use. I collect vehicles, so she said to join a club. Anyway . . . it is a dilema!
It didn't improve when I told everyone was raped for years by a man. I thought it is best people understand 'the me that nobody knows.' Ya! They don;t want to know me now, even my friends I had for many years. Now, I might as well join a Nursing Home. Without Ellen, I would be talking to myself!

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#366760 - 07/27/11 07:23 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: risingagain]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
I always thought it was just me! No male friend. I have many female friends, all of them are my wives. Looking at this deeper, they are hers, I have no friends, male or female! I'm just will go ahead and shoot myself. Kiddin!
My wife has pushed me to get back in touch with my old childhood and college friends. Great! They live 2,200 miles away, don't have computers, or even smart phones! I them, and sound like 'Kathy chatty' while they are figuring a way to gracfully got off the phone. So I write, snail mail, my letters get too long, they never respond back; that leads me back to Ellen's friends that I use. I collect vehicles, so she said to join a club. Anyway . . . it is a dilema!

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#366775 - 07/27/11 09:43 PM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Lo Don]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5941
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Male friends.., any close friends that are non abused are a struggle that I was never able to master...

In fact, I found my one close male friend in a guy I met when I was 40 years old! He was married with children, 50's and he and I are closer than paint and primer. He taught me I could have friends, they would be forgiving, and I could learn how to be a friend.

He does not really know about the abuse I suffered and survived, but he is knows what I need him to know, and that is good enough for us both.

First, recover, then, seek recovering survivors as friends, finally, balance and recovery will provide the answers you are currently seeking.

Nice to have you here, Lo Don.., oh and collecting cars... that was my coping mechanism of choice.., I had over 300 cars. I actually have had closer to 400, but no one believes me when I tell them... but I have the list.

Hee hee,

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#366866 - 07/29/11 12:38 AM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: JustSurviving]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
Gnuff- that's me too. How brave to tell

_________________________
I don't have one

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#366867 - 07/29/11 12:43 AM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: kb8715]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
I'm still struggling finding one person who will stay in touch, so I can just unleash all that I feel, is that a friend or a therapist.I'm just so lonely, and crisis Down the next 45 years, I would so like to day, yes, he was my friend, but I have isolated myself to a point that I don't know what I enjoy, what gets my engines going, and all I feel is alone, desperate for a connection, and sickened by the overall desperation of this message..

_________________________
I don't have one

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#366869 - 07/29/11 12:50 AM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
Hey John,
Any success on the friends piece.
Me none at all, and after re reading your response to me, I wanted to reach out and say hi, and I don't know what protocol is, buf get to know each other..god that sounds so freaking ridiculed..ugh
Anyway, still trying, would love to talk, whatever?

_________________________
I don't have one

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#366891 - 07/29/11 08:18 AM Re: Do you have close male friends? [Re: SamV]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Gnuff,

I am lucky to have good online male friends that I consider brothers. Among many others are Obi, Looking2Heal, Anomalous, Anthony39, PeterCorbett, CruxFidelis, Earlybird...I could name several others, and some that I wish I knew better. Those men and these I have named are very good empathetic listeners.

I also have one brother in my personal life, my roommate Gary. He is a survivor, and he is terrific. Helped me so much. I am really lucky to know him, as I am lucky to know so many men here.

I guess my point is that this is a great place to meet good, potential friends/brothers. Look for those you connect with. Talk to them. I really hope one of them connects with you, too.

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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