Hello,

Well just recently after visiting a vastly important female (platonic) friend of mine a question popped up in my head.

When I look at my present situation and the past aswell I see that all the people with whome I've talked about personal issues were women.

It's not that I'm afraid of men. I mean there's one guy who I would call a close friend. But we seldom talk about personal stuff, it's more about doing stuff together.

And I kind of easily get in touch with women. What I mean is, that women seem to trust me quite easily, and I feel comfortable talking to them where as I don't kind of want or feel like talking to any guy about personal stuff. I don't even make real male friends except that one. And I'm not kind of doing it either. On the other hand i think it would be great and also much less complicated when in a relationship.

So back to my initial question, do you have male friends? Do you know what I mean?

Peace

Gnuff

Gnuff -

This is definitely a struggle for me. It's one thing my CSA definitely left behind as collateral damage. I am working very hard to see if I can overcome it - I am afraid that I may be unable to do it correctly and authentically. I feel like it could "fix" some things for lack of a better term.

I originally wanted to work with a female therapist for this reason, but ended up with a male and I think that's a good thing. He is "paid" to be my friend, but it's good practice in learning how to open up and be vulnerable to another male, something that I was taught in my past was not a safe thing.

Don't know if that helped or not - more to just say I can empathize with you.

thank you dbrannem

just hearing that it is an issue others have and not just me being weird helps.

it's one point why I've chosen a female therapist by the way. i thought there's enough struggle so i don't need to add any unnecessary hurdles. well and I tried it with one male therapist which was just unbearable for me.

are you "happy" with your choice?

Gnuff,

My "best friend" from 3rd grade on is a guy. Having said that he never knew a thing about me personally - what I thought, what I felt, what happened to me regarding abuse, why I chose certain behaviors and shunned others, etc... until we were in our 40s. And he only found out about some of the more superficial reasons and not directly from me. I just didn't trust him - he's a guy. And it solidified my thought process a little bit more when he told me after he found out some of them that he had always wondered why _I_ could never get along with my (list of abusers here).

If I had my choice, all of my friends would be female. But because I am married, essentially I have no friends.

The fact is men rarely open their hearts to each other, talking stuff that matters to them emotional life let alone spiritual life. Normally we need booze as social lubricant, and a distraction or an event like watch sports together to meet up. Just meeting, just like that over coffee would deemed to be a date, which scares many, unlike women who regular meet their girlfriends and chat up, without the fears....of labels!...No wonder women have lower heart disease rates the world over! Men open up only when they get too drunk! ...

After a while just having a friend is enough, a soul connection is important, and souls have no gender!

Having a real good friend is incredible and I have found a big part of all kinds of reovery from the tough things life dishes up, not just abuse recovery.

I'm not the only guy here who has a freind who is more like a brother than a friend. The term used is "brothers from different mothers".

In our case our wives are very close (my buddy will ask me to speak to his wife in fact at times about things he wants..."talk to her, she listens to you!"....). Our kids are very close as well. My best friend knows nothing about my abuse and I don't have a plan to disclose.

By the way, there are a few guys here I feel that close with as well. Having a small tight network of recovery "sponsors" is vital I have found. My T has strongly encouraged that as part of recovery. As good as the resources to us all are, I don't think there is any repleacement for being able to connect with another man who knows exactly what we went through & feel. Those men look out for me, and I them, on our good days and bad.

I truly think each of us should have those type freinds here. Pick them carefully, make them earn your trust, prove to them you can be trusted, then really talk about all the things that effect us all. Good advice comes from people of all ages, places, and experiences. By example some of the best advice I get here is from a man my oldest son's age (19) who has helped me try to connect as best I can with the single most important man in my life....my son.

Good luck Gnuff. Keep asking questions, try the chat room, PM guys whose posts make sense to you, and heal....

Keith

Hiya Gnuff,

Man, can I speak on this subject forever. I have ALWAYS wanted a really close male friend that I could share deep stuff with. Someone that I could love (without the sex) and who would love me back without hesitation. Someone I could talk to about anything and everything. Things as inane as sports or as deep as what's in my heart and mind. Almost like a T but without the cost.

I once had a friend like that. I thought the world of him. I loved him like the brother I'd never had. I know he had similar feelings for me but just little more guarded (at the time we were friends I knew no boundaries - mistake). We were both married and loved our wives. We both considered (and I still do) them our real companions.

Then one day he left. He had taken another job out of state and since neither one of us liked to hang on the phone or write letters (email hadn't hit it's stride yet) we lost touch of each other.

So now I search. Maybe he's out there. Maybe not. I have plenty of female friends. More than I care to have. But there's nothing like a male friend that is more than just buddy or pal (plenty of them out there who's ability to hold a meaningful conversation runs as deep as talking about sports or the latest model on Maxim).

You know part of our deal may have something to do with our lack of a close relationship with our fathers. I know I didn't. It left a void. Just thinking out loud on that point.

So here's to our hunt for a good friend!

Hey Gnuff,

I don't think that its that guys don't want to open up to each other about personal things, even if you have a very strong friendship between you. It's more a function of society saying that its not normal for us to do.

Like Morning Star said there is a stigma attached to going out and telling your good guy friend what you are going through and how you're feeling. Even though no one will say anything or judge you because guess what, its a basic human need to be understood by others especially friends and family, we crave it. It's the media and the image of what a man should and shouldn't be. It doesn't mean anyone has to follow that notion.

I wrote a post on a similar topic to this and just thought I'd share, because it answers your question from my perspective.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5063#Post355063

Keep asking questions and talking here, it really does help just as Keith and others have said

--
Alex

I felt this way too until I met the guys at the Mankind Project...

I hope you find that true, deep, authentic, honoring connection with another man. It is truly something special.