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#359530 - 04/13/11 09:21 AM My purpose
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
So his T said maybe my purpose was to bring him to the point he is at, dealing with and confronting his abuse. So thats its for me? I have served my purpose now step aside. What about all the crap I went through and dealt with as he acted out but now he's healing and becoming the man I met, I dont get to have that?
I wish I could be strong right now and say I wish him happiness but I dont.
I'm sorry if I seem dissmissive but I am so angry, angry at the man I stood by after he told me about his abuse, tried to understand as he acted out, supported him through everything. To then be told I by him that I'm a wonderful person but I shouldnt have put up with it, now I blamed for supporting him. And now I have 'served my purpose' so go away.
I'm so angry....and heartbroken.


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#359542 - 04/13/11 11:36 AM Re: My purpose [Re: worldscentre]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
worldscentre:

I completely understand your emotions and anger right now. Completely. Trust me.

You feel so 'used' in your own way. Like, "what the hell have I been doing here, then?!?! That's it!?! My 'job' is over?! Was I just 'help'?" You feel as if, for everything you've done, for being there this whole time, for sticking by him, through everything, there should have been a 'reward' of having him. Finally. Well and 'healed' or starting to heal. You were in it for the long haul and then suddenly, he is 'healing' and getting better, but you no longer have a space there anymore.

The anger is there. Its completely justified. I understand.

I don't have the answers. This trauma is such a complicated and confusing roller coaster. There is no 'right' way things should play out with a Survivor's recovery, needs and healing. It's not a 'let's fix it, we'll be better and move on...' situation. I wish it were... But, there is so much there. So many, many, many circumstances and unfortunately, outcomes will vary. Will he stay straight? Will he come out being gay? Bi? Will he decide to leave me and look for someone else? Will he need to be alone?

I think it's time for YOU to heal... To start understanding what your true needs are. Will they be met? Is he able to? It's so much to process. I am going through the same thing right now. After 15 years, I'm being 'dismissed' in my own way also. The cheating, the lying. It all took its toll. Not only our marriage but also on our 15 years of friendship we developed as a foundation to 'us.'

But, we do, all evolve. Who knows.. Maybe this is what he needs permanently. Maybe this is what he needs for just a while. We don't know the outcome. But, things do happen for a reason.

Let the anger out. Its the only way to really begin this long process of acceptance and healing. Love yourself. It sounds so cliche, but I now am starting to catch just a glimmer of what that means... It's a long road, but know, that people out here do understand.

Stay well and positive through these extremely heartbreaking times.

My heart and soul go out to you worldscentre. It really does. It's so difficult to accept possibly losing the love of your life. After all the storms.

Lost Spark

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy.’ They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

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#359543 - 04/13/11 11:36 AM Re: My purpose [Re: worldscentre]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
I would be furious, too.

Nothing like being used and then thrown away.

As these men know all too well.

_________________________
Female.

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#359684 - 04/14/11 05:58 PM Re: My purpose [Re: Disappointed]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
We have to take care of ourselves too. There is a danger in becoming consumed with another's problems to the point of forgetting our own identity because when everything is over, there is a chance that you may not be needed anymore. However, to a certain point, this may or may not be taken personally IF we choose to stick in there with someone who obviously need to learn who they are. We have to realize there is a risk there. I'm not saying that's true in every case, of course (Lost Spark has obviously had a very hard case in terms of the way things have ended up). Also, there is something else to consider. I would honestly rather a man say "I don't think I want to be with you" even after I helped than have him say "I want to be with you because I need you" and him needing me being the only reason. That would make me feel like a mother, a therapist, or anything but what I want to be. I want to be wanted, not just needed. I want to be a partner, not simply support for his problems. So, yes it hurts to be pushed away (trust me, I've been there), but it also hurts to wonder if you mean anything more to a man than what you can do for him. I want to know if he wants to be with me also because of who I am...because he is attracted to ME. If we lose ourselves by giving all to them, then how can they possibly love "us" even if they want to? There would be no "us" left...only what we have tried to do for them.

Okay, I'm rambling, but hopefully some of that made sense.


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#359752 - 04/15/11 08:59 AM Re: My purpose [Re: hopeandtry]
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Hope4him,
You are not rambling and you do make sense, especially "If we lose ourselves by giving all to them, then how can they possibly love "us" even if they want to?". That is true.
But I supposed I am still angry, angry that he has walked away from me.

LostSpark,
thanks for your reply. Sadly so many of us know how this feels. And we have to keep our hope alive, hope for happiness for ourselves first and foremost.

Disappointed,
that is exactly how I feel.

Thanks to all of you for replying, I may keep coming here even though I have no link with a CSA survivor anymore as I feel you all understand. So thanks again.


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#360112 - 04/18/11 03:54 PM Re: My purpose [Re: hopeandtry]
TwoStep Offline


Registered: 01/02/11
Posts: 31
Hope4him, you are so not rambling. Worldscentre, my heart is with you.

You have totally validated my situation. My BF and I were, I thought, going to be ok. I love him with all my heart. But as time goes on, I feel like I am, as you said, anything but what I want to be. Physical intimacy, always an issue, has dwindled to a stop. No kissing, touching, nothing other than hand holding.

When he (and we) started to work on his CSA recovery, it was, of course, stressful along with everything that led up to it. I said I'd stick with him, and I meant it. Then his mom suffered a terminal illness and he is still trying to get over that. (During that time I put about 3,000 miles on my car so I could be with him and his family during this time. Many weekends, some vacation time. Obviously he couldn't deal with his own issues during that time, he was helping to take care of her.) That was another huge and tragic stress. NOW, a month later, he is having this career/life crisis of massive proportion and once again he wants my support - this time for years of going to professional school and starting all over. He wanted me to just pick up and move (he now knows that isn't going to happen for relationship and practical reasons). He says he can work on recovery while doing all of that (in a big city with specialized CSA therapists). But I give I give I give and keep getting told "it will be better when this...and when that...". But it feels like "when" is never going to come. He has years of CSA therapy ahead of him, how on earth can he start a new life and heal his old one at the same time?

He does all sorts of nice things for me and tells me nice things...I don't doubt that he loves me, in his way, he says he is "in love" with me, but I don't know what that means -- but is it because he needs me? I don't meant to be rude, but I don't lack for male attention - except from the only one I want. I understand the confusion about sex that he has, it's all textbook. But it's going from bad to worse. When I said I'd be there, this whole added career/life change wasn't on the books.

I broke down in tears (I was sobbing actually) and talked at him on Saturday night about everything (and I do mean at him -- first time he has ever seen me do anything like that)...I said to him point blank that I didn't know if he loved me because of who I am or what I do for him. I talked at him again last night about what I thought we could do. And he listened. But had nothing much to say. And then changed the topic back to himself and his career/life crisis. All he talks about is himself. Had I never noticed this before?

He says he understands if I need to leave and that he doesn't know why I stay with him. I wonder if that's his way of wanting to end it but not wanting to do it himself.

He had a T appointment today, I am hoping they talked about this.

Oh, in our talk I suggested that we take sex off the table completely and just look for ways to be intimate without sex. I said that it was as much for my own sanity so that I would have no expectations -- and he said okay, no problem. So, no sex is no problem.

He said he does want to spend more time together talking about what we want for the future, values, dreams, all that stuff.

But I am starving for intimacy. My own childhood issues are all about neglect and emotional/touch deprivation.

I am on the edge of tears constantly. Little things have my eyes welling up. I love him so very much, have invested so much of myself...I don't think I lost myself, but I just gave so much that I wrung myself out. I want it to be our time to be a couple and for him to have time to concentrate on recovery and healing (he is reading Lew, that I know), but once again there is a huge life crisis, this one of his own making. God I hope he talks to his T about this.

I know I was rambling but the whole "purpose" and "need versus want" is just so where I am right now. I feel like I have been clinging to the knot at the end of a metaphorical rope and the knot is unraveling and the rope is going to (metaphorically) hang me. I don't know what to do.


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#360148 - 04/19/11 12:56 AM Re: My purpose [Re: TwoStep]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
"I said to him point blank that I didn't know if he loved me because of who I am or what I do for him."

*cough*

I've thought that quite a few times lately, which is why I know I absolutely have to take care of myself and work on my own issues and who I am. 1) Simply for my own sake and because my life must be complete even without him. 2) Because if I lose myself, how can he love me when I am not "there"? and 3) As I said before and as the above quote says, I need to know he WANTS me and doesn't just NEED me and I need to know he wants ME and not just me because of what I do for him. I NEED TO KNOW and therefore I must distance myself until I am whole and healthy myself and so that he (and I) can clearly see what feelings are there after we have both had time to work on ourselves...and if he doesn't try to get support and healing, then at least I will have myself.


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#360150 - 04/19/11 01:00 AM Re: My purpose [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
P.S. TwoStep...just keep coming here for support. Just keep coming and coming and coming for YOU right now. Focus on you. Trust me, I know it's hard as HELL. I've slipped many times recently, but I won't give up. I will fight like hell to be me. I will not sell out. I have an appt tomorrow with a new T (mine left the practice) and I have decided on some key things I want to address with him, some of which I did not address with my old T but very much need addressing. I think this new T is the fresh start I need. Say it with me ladies (if you are ready): <<Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of MY life.>> As I learned in Al Anon (and am still learning), we can be happy even when the one we love is not.


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#360362 - 04/21/11 05:54 AM Re: My purpose [Re: hopeandtry]
worldscentre Offline


Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Twostep, I am so sorry to read what you are going through. It is very difficult. At what point do you say 'I am not getting what I need so I have to leave' without feeling like the most selfish person out there? But thats something I should have done a long time ago, maybe my ex would see me as a different person and not just a crutch.
We spoke recently and now through T he is looking at why he got into a relationship with me in the first place. So now not only are my hopes and dreams for our future wiped away but the whole existance of us is questioned.
The good thing is when we spoke, much like you Twostep, I talked, I said what I needed to, I expressed my fears, let downs and hopes for MY future. Thats what we have to do, do not become consumed with supporting, it is not who you are, its a great part of your personality.
Someday he will see that I was not just a support, I was his love, friend as well as biggest support.


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#360664 - 04/24/11 04:47 PM Re: My purpose [Re: worldscentre]
TwoStep Offline


Registered: 01/02/11
Posts: 31
Hello hope4him and worldscentre -

Thank you both so much for your support. Hugs to each of you. You are good women.

So the update... after I talked at him that night...I did it again the next day. He listened, can't say exactly what he heard. But we have had some more talks and I have continued to share -- and so has he, I am letting him get a few words in now smile . It's been a new experience for both of us. I sure thought about leaving, but decided it didn't feel right or fair since I haven't been...me.

I was, I think, consumed with his life. That's how he saw me, too. That's hard to admit.

Who knows if it will last, but since then, it's almost as if we are relating as grown ups, go figure. It's liberating for me, and maybe a new experience for him, I am not sure. He has actually talked to me some -- in a reasonable, non-combative way -- about our intimacy issues and his side of it. He has told me things he needs from me that I didn't do because I thought it was "wrong." Who knew? So I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. He seems happier too.

It hasn't all sprung up buttercups and daisies, but it's better. We have even had some fun together, it's been a while. When we are good, we are really good. We both know my needs will sometimes take a back seat depending on where he is in T or reading or whatever -- but at least we are now clear that I do have needs too and that they are important.

I have a new focus on me and being my own person. It was like I totally snapped that night...the bungee cord broke at the bottom and I just was there on my back wondering what the heck happened. But the impact shocked me into a new frame of mind. And I do keep coming back to the board for support, I am so grateful not to be alone.

TwoStep


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