I started a fast last week, in preparation of a 2000 calorie diet. Day one, I was dissociated, no hunger, no desire to eat, just submissive to the control, like there was two opinions in me, and one was shocked the other was not using the coping mechanism, so the one hunkered down and waited for his time to control the body, "me".
I had my first day of work on a new job and had an hour of panic attacks, outside in the sun and working with new guys on stuff I can't remember how to do. Just thinking about it starts the anxiety again.
I felt a good responsible decision would be to have a Gatorade and felt good about that care. The next day I was a bit better, and ready for work, but had stopped the fast and went into the diet. Day Two was ok. Day three was ok, a bit more than 2000, and Day four was shot, with a "business lunch" standing at 1400 calories.., kaboom.
Friday I got a call from a man that I consider my non abused brother, and he was angry about something I did with good intentions, and I kept apologizing, wanting him to tell me I had good intentions and that it would be alright, which did not happen.
Today, my brother in the North West helped me to understand that I need to be assertive in some areas of my life in proportion to the task at hand. Adrenaline is a flight, fight or freeze, and I was using flight and freeze.
Fight is a good thing to use as well, and my body and mind already had the chemical, so I need to use it appropriately.
Acting on the "fight", I will not use my coping mechanism.
Which leads me to today...
I should have acted in some capacity, doing something, and I did, to a point. While I was eating my way through the freezer, I took the opportunity to defrost it, so, not such a bad thing, but not where I ultimately want to be in my choices.
I also ate several servings of everything, and the little "I feel full and safe" button was pressed, and the coping mechanism went full circle.
I am writing you for support. I want to keep on this diet, and I feel I have the resolve to carry it out. I found the assertiveness I need to protect me, but the drama continues.
So it does, and so it will, but I will keep recovering.