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#36065 - 04/08/05 07:02 AM my story
aac Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/08/05
Posts: 1
Loc: california
well this is the first time i have ever told someone about my forgotten story. well rigth now i am 17years old and i am a senior in high school. i believe i was 5 years old. we lived in ahouse with my unlces adn my parents rented a room to a guy. well one day my parents went to work and left me with my brother. i remeber it clearly we were watching wrestling in living room , when i stood up to go to the kithchen. thats when i guy my parents rented the room to opened the the door and called me into his room making sure my brtohers didnt hear. its all a blur then i remeber i had my knees on the ground and my hands on his bed. i had my pant down and he has behind me, penetrating me very gently. then i remeber he took me to the bathroom showed me his penis, he was mad cause it had my shit on it. then he ordered for me to suck his penis i didnt do anything and began to cty not becasue of the incident but becasue he yelled at me. i was 5years old i had no idea what eh had doen to me, i didnt know i was wrong, i didnt know he had abused me. i never told my parents, they still ddo no know. it wasnt until years later that i realised what he did to me. i am now a mess i have problems with my sexual orientation and i know my abuse caused this to me. i used tohave low self esteem and in middle school i would be very quite. i do not consider myself a surviver but a victim i have not healed and i do not know how to. i want to tell my parents, i want my abuser in jail but i am ashamed to tell anyone. i dont know why he would do this to me, when i look at pcitures of me when i am 5 i am discusted by my abusers mind. i still wonder why GOD would let this happen to me.


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#36066 - 04/08/05 09:06 AM Re: my story
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
aac
Sorry that you where abused at such a young age but it is good that you are dealing with this at the young age of 17. Sexual abuse does mess with our minds and we can become very confused as we grow up.
Quote:
i am now a mess i have problems with my sexual orientation and i know my abuse caused this to me.
I had the same issues when I was in high school. Dating girls would scair the hell out of me. I was alse wondering in the back of my mind if I was gay.

Quote:
i do not consider myself a surviver but a victim i have not healed and i do not know how to. i want to tell my parents, i want my abuser in jail but i am ashamed to tell anyone.
Remember aac you did nolthing wrong and it was your abuser that did evil to you the 5 year old boy. You are a survivor because you have started dealing with it.

The most important thing you can do is to find a good Therapist to help with your healing. You may be able to get help through your High School if you don't want to tell your parents right away. You are young and could still bring crimal charges againest your PERP but work on making yourself strong before you move forward with charges.

You may want to talk with law enforcment in your county about your PERP he may be still abusing boys even today. The Police could keep a eye on him even before you bring formal charges.

Keep coming back to the web site

#1 Take care of your self . Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#36067 - 04/08/05 03:13 PM Re: my story
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
aac,

I am sorry you have to be here but glad you found this resource. It is terrible knowing that are new members finding this place everyday but I am very thankful this site exists. There are a lot of great people here.

Know that it was not your fault in any way. You were 5. You had no idea what was happening. Don't blame yourself for not telling. He yelled at you and assulted you. You may have been afraid and intimidated. A five year old is not equipped to stand up to a grown man.

Thirdly, you won't always be a victim. It is possible to recover from abuse and go on to have a great life. You first have to deal with the abuse and how it has changed you. The process can be painful as you have to face all those emotional traumas but it IS worth the effort. You deserve the life you were meant to have despite what was done to you. You don't have to remain a victim. You didn't choose this path but the five year old boy you were deserves the chance to go on and live a good life and you, the young man that you are today also deserve the same chance at a rewarding life.

Your concerns about sexual identity are shared by many here. It is not uncommon for abuse survivors to feel mixed up and confused about thier sexuality. The mind and body are very complicated. You have time to sort through all your feelings. You don't have to decide whether you are this or that anytime soon. There is a sexual identity section in the forums that you may wish to visit. I think therapy is an important part of recovery and I urge you to consider it for yourself. You are a victim now but you don't have to remain that way. You can become a survivor and MORE. There are many great guys here with much more to say on this subject so I'll stop here. Please remember, you are not alone and you can move on from the place where you are now. Life can get better...and YOU deserve a rich and rewarding life.


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#36068 - 04/08/05 03:45 PM Re: my story
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
aac, I am sorry you have to be here, but you are a survivor, calling yourself victim is negative, and just being here is a start on recovery.

It is hard to keep this crap silent and deal with it alone, it messes up early teen years, and all kinds of relationships.

Disclosure to your parents is never going to be easy, but it is not impossible, read some of the recent threads in here about others' disclosure.

You may be best finding a good therapist who deals specific with boyhood abuse, otherwise it can be a minefield of emotions.

We all feel guilt, shame, etc., always remember,
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, put the blame where it should lie,

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#36069 - 04/08/05 05:18 PM Re: my story
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
this is a good place to begin healing. every man i've met here will relate to your confusion and pain on some level. i'm sorry you are part of our little brotherhood, but welcome. who knows what goes on in them, and why they would look at a child and see someone sexually apealing. i guess i will never understand that part, because i dont have those feelings. i do understand that as a man, it completely shapes and changes you, and your life just doesnt seem right after. you can deal with this, and you can set things right for yourself. keep talking. silence is the prison and speaking up is the key i have found.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#36070 - 04/08/05 09:53 PM Re: my story
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
aac - Welcome to the site and thanks for posting! I too am sorry for what you went through!! I'm also sorry that "the secret" has infested within you and messed up life so! Realizing how messed up things got by keeping the secret, you may want to begin "unmessing" by not keeping the secret (telling). You are correct when we all agree how hard it is to tell but it doesn't get easier the longer you wait. When you talk about "messing you up", the issues you share are pretty typical of guys who were sexually abused and they mess us all up. As you work on disclosure and talking out the issues, you will discover these symptoms will lessen, go away and/or begin to help you see why you are as you are. I invite you to read, ask questions, share feelings on our Sexual Identity forum when you are ready. Glad you are reaching out and sharing(posting).

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#36072 - 04/09/05 04:06 AM Re: my story
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
AAC,
This is an incredible load of crap that you hve had dumped on you by a sick and demented b#st#rd!

My daughter just turned five and she has a level of trust and love unmatched by adults. I look at her and read your story (and remember my own which started at three) and asked,WHY God? I share your confusion and I am now 41. I just started working my recovery 7 months ago.

When youlook at a 5 year old in your neighborhood, look at the purity and innocense. How could that wonderful creature ever be responsible for such a sickening act. The answer is, she can't.

I know that I am preaching at the choir and that I need to listen to my own statements, but I truly feel your pain and confusion.

In addition to the local law enforcement contacts suggested above, yor may want to see if there is a domestic abuse, "Family Center", or some form of child advocacy center in your area. They are great resourses!

Hang in there and you are among friends!

Danny


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