So.... My man is working hard..... I'm working hard.... Maybe its not supposed to be this hard... Its like I'm in a relationship puzzle where there is always a piece missing that I'm reaching/searching for... The lack of physical intimacy is really hard, the whole thing is. What's does this mean.... Break/time apart.... Such a weird concept when all I want is closeness...
Guess I'm just venting, but how do I express this frustration to him... He's hurting too.... Sometimes its just hard.
Admire everyone's strength here.

Yes it is difficult.

That's what abuse does. It just plain makes everything very, very difficult.

No it's not supposed to be that way. That's why we're here.

Allen

i've only lived 47 years...but indeed recovery, for me 20+ years ago, still was the hardest thing in life.

i don't know how hard it is supposed to be. there are no benchmarks. but maybe it would help if survivor friends/family members were told from the getgo that it will also be the hardest thing they've ever gone through? perhaps the hardest part is, quite plainly, there is little you can do.

it is death, loss of love and loss of so much more, but also a rebirth, enlightenment, and tremendous change.

while i can sympathize with partners of survivors, i think it is rather a very self-centered move to "need" anything in return while he (or she) is going through the healing process that could carry on for years. friends/loved ones of survivors must be committed to stay strong, selfless, unconditionally so, and i firmly believe that in the end "he" will never forget that support.

get angry at his rapist/pedophile and the society we live in that still cannot understand, or accept, the dynamics of childhood sexual abuse. you are witnessing first hand what society simply refuses to accept.

It is hard when you are trying to do it alone.

I have no answers-only questions for you:

Do you have a current T you are working with? What other Support? A Trusted friend?

What support does he have? T? Support group?
On intimacy-this is a hard question-are you his only outlet? Many survivors struggle with sexually acting out and that completely undermined any real intimacy I was capable of.

I gather you are not married so the level of commitment may not yet be there.

Are you in couples counseling so you have a safe, intentional and productive place to work on your relationship? Has he done enough work to deal with the relationship yet?

Sally 123, Westchesterguy nailed it. The missing puzzle pieces to a future with this man will not be shaped by you. They won't be discovered by you, even now after declaring them missing.

Faith and Hope and Friendship is what you may provide him. The question is 'Are you up to the task long term for your mutual benefit'?

Thanks everyone... Freddie... Never thought or said I could change him, or that I was his savior. I know I am not, and I don't want to be. Sometimes the partner just loses it a little... Like I did last night... I think we can all agree is hard for everyone...
I do worry that one day I will not be strong enough, I want to be, but I guess I have to figure that out. We are both in individual therapy... Yes MountainBuck, he was secretly acting out with porn up until about a month ago, and it definitely will block us from ever being close. I'm trying to trust he's not... I'm not sure couples would help now, as he has more work to do on himself and I admire that...do you think couples could help... I've gone back and forth on this... I hope all survivors know that I can not say how sorry I am for ur pain... and my sadness doesn't compare to what you feel. I just had to get it out... No one else to call and express my feelings... Also, this is not a woe is me, rather please help me stand by him through this... However I guess I know only I can help myself... Hard Wishing everyone peaceful weekend.

I agree with a lot said here, but I don't think it's completely fair to say a supporter is selfish to "need" anything while a survivor is going through healing. Sure, we need to be understanding, but we do not cease to exist completely. Expecting NOTHING (including respect) can be very destructive. Expecting too much is one thing...there are things a survivor may not be in the place to give...expecting nothing can be equally dangerous.

This is not on topic as far as relating to the above. I have a question. I was in a college yesterday and had to wait around for a bit. Read the bulletin to keep occupied. They had an announcement on an anti-violence/anti-rape meeting for women of course. When I went in rest room, there was another paper in there for domestic abuse or date abuse etc...again female orientated. I am glad people are so aware of this and trying to do something to stop/help women. But BUT, I am asking myself why can't there be something up here for males as well. We must take it to this next level if we are all to be whole and healed!

Guess my question is: are there pamphlets or posters or something someone can post where guys can see where to get help too? If not there needs to be!

Sally, it's a rollercoaster. It is his journey, but we are on one of our own.

I'd like to throw in my agreement with hope4him and take it a step farther...people are in relationships because the world is a better place with your significant other in your life. It's give and take. I figure how give and take are defined depends on the couple.

No question that understanding what is and isn't a realistic expectation is very important when you are in love with a survivor. And often a moving target. What my BF can/can't give changes based on T sessions he is working on, reading he is doing that is dredging up things that have been festering for decades...all sorts of things. I do my level best to communicate and adjust and know what is within the realm of possibility and what is not, and work with that.

But to expect the supporting partner to not "need" anything is not fair at all.

I am as important as my partner.