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#360379 - 04/21/11 10:51 AM Donít Want Them To Think Iím Gay
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Donít Want Them To Think Iím Gay


Forgive me,
My brothers, for there was a day
When this is something, Iíd say

ďI donít want them to think Iím gayĒ

I apologize,
There was no wanted malice within this biting verse
But itís the accidental thatís worrisome, if not worse

Forgive me.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#360383 - 04/21/11 12:35 PM Re: Donít Want Them To Think Iím Gay [Re: earlybird]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I suppose I apologize for saying that, too.

It is a concern of mine... I've never had any sexual attractions to men in my whole life, and I don't have anything like SSA now (seems more common in men who were abused as children). For me, the fear of people thinking I'm gay is more rooted in the shame I carry regarding the sexual aspects of the assault... I worry people will think I liked it, I guess.

I'm sure that if I were not heterosexual and not married to my wife, and I "came out", most of my close friends would give me an equal measure of respect and it wouldn't change the friendship. But that's not who I am. I suppose for me, the root of it is not worrying they'll think I'm gay, but they'll stop seeing me for who I am and they'll only see the disgusting things I did with that predator.

_________________________
ďIf a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.Ē

- Saint John of the Cross

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#360394 - 04/21/11 05:37 PM Re: Donít Want Them To Think Iím Gay [Re: CruxFidelis]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Why didn't you want
people to think you were gay?

What would it have meant,
right or wrong,
if someone thought you were?

If it was really about
the assault
why aren't you worried
about people thinking
you are
other things?

Promiscious,
Immoral,
Ruined,
Unclean,
Proto-abuser...

Is it the gender
of the rapist that
defines the narrative
of how the survivor is viewed?

Is it the sexuality
of the survivor that
defines the narrative
of how the survivor is viewed?

Is it the age?
Their looks?
Their power?

When a woman
abuses or assaults
a boy or man,
what do we think of them?

Can it really be
just about the assault?

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#360399 - 04/21/11 06:08 PM Re: Donít Want Them To Think Iím Gay [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I can't speak to what it's like to be abused by a woman, but I think for me, it's the fear that my friends would think I'm no the man I projected myself to be, like things are not what they seem. Also since my assault happened after being married to my wife of several years there is the infidelity aspect of it. Again, some of these friends are gay themselves... I am probably not making any sense but there are a lot of different fears. Also, there is more to gay identity than sex, my friends don't talk about their sex lives with me, and I don't talk about mine with them. But to kknow I was raped and made into a man's personal sex toy is TMI for a lot of them.

_________________________
ďIf a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.Ē

- Saint John of the Cross

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#360410 - 04/21/11 07:53 PM Re: Donít Want Them To Think Iím Gay [Re: CruxFidelis]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
EFM, (my dear friend)

My words were not formed for justification
Clearly, I understand their implications
Absolution was my only motivation
Of which, thereís no obligation

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#360413 - 04/21/11 08:18 PM Re: Donít Want Them To Think Iím Gay [Re: earlybird]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Earl,

I'm not seeking to assign blame, or to be petitioned to forgive.

Instead, I'm exploring the idea that every survivor might have a statement like "I don't want people to think I'm..." that would be dependent on lots of factors to do with their history.

I suspect the root of this might be the male self-image and the current construction of masculinity in our society. The loss of control when control is such a part of being masculine seems pretty fundamental to me.

It would also explain why the female abuser/rapist and male survivor scenario gets such a different reaction in our society. Perversely it can enhance the masculinity of the survivor in some peoples eyes.

Sometimes I think when people say ďI donít want them to think Iím gay,Ē what they really mean is ďI donít want them to think Iím not masculineĒ.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#360414 - 04/21/11 08:20 PM Re: Donít Want Them To Think Iím Gay [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Well stated efm and I fully agree.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#360416 - 04/21/11 08:33 PM Re: Donít Want Them To Think Iím Gay [Re: earlybird]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Or perhaps, said more bluntly, "I don't want them to think I'm feminine".

Why do men think that feminine is bad and masculine is good? One of the things that has always fascinated me is the sense of gender betrayal I sense from straight men about gay men. Ignoring the fallacy that all gay men are feminine, whatever that means, it's as though being a gay man is surrendering male privilege to be like a woman and needs to be punished.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#360418 - 04/21/11 08:54 PM Re: Donít Want Them To Think Iím Gay [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
EFM,

Donít have to convince me about the ďfeminineĒ fallacy. Remember I write poetry! blush

All kidding aside you are correct the belief that we are less male because we weep or show emotion. That we are not masculine because we were overwhelmed either by aggression, intimidation, or grooming/manipulation. I believe it is the wrong argument. Is it not a Ďblame the victimí type debate?

Isnít every male fully male and has the need and right to express, to whatever degree he chooses, the female aspects of his personality. This makes us fully human something far better than being fully masculine. (Of course this is coming from a guy who writes poetry so Iím suspect from the get go)




Edited by earlybird (04/21/11 08:54 PM)
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#361247 - 05/02/11 06:51 AM Re: Donít Want Them To Think Iím Gay [Re: earlybird]
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
i think this is the first time i've ever herd a guy say, "pleas forgive me for saying, I don't want people to think i'm gay." Admiting that it's being some what insulting to homosexuals. I am impressed.

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

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