Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
MADcHATTER (54), Ready2MoveOn (44)
Who's Online
4 registered (Jay1159, don64, 2 invisible), 43 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63791 Topics
445475 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#360354 - 04/21/11 02:43 AM LINE!!!
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
trigger warning

I am so sleep deprived to the point wher eI m just stupid. 2am and I'm up again with the worst pain...

my therapist today brought up this can of worms and I wish he didn't . I haven't even had enough sleep to process this garbage, I shouldn't have even showed up.

When my assaults were happening, I was forced to do sexual things with the perpetrator. He threatened to kill me otherwise. "Either you turn me on, or I turn you off." My survival depended on how well I "performed" at "pleasing" this freak of nature. He used to tell me that I was "good" at it and told me that I had to be gay, because "obviously" I must have had experience at that sort of thing. I'm not gay, I have never had sex with anyone but my wife, and I i didn't want to do any of these things. If I ever think about what I did, I am so disgusted that I wish I never survived.

The only way I could get through the situation was to pretend I was acting. I used to sing opera and loved character roles the best. my bass range meant that I played hunchbacks, kings, evil sorcerers and bishops...all walks of life, except the young, handsome love interests. that's ok, I had enough loving in real life.

my therapist asked me if I imagined myself playing a role. now that I think of it, I don't know. he put me in the position of playing a role. he took my ability to say any lines because he took away my voice. No arias, no rude, brief recitatives... NOTHING.

i feel like I play a role in my own life right now. the role of my son's father. my wife's husband. I try to act like myself so that I'm not furniture. Starring Peter as... himself???

I recite the right lines and my wife says I'm emotionless. I try to stay in character, and a friend of mine from college asks if I"m OK int he head. the role I'm trying to play isn'te ven goo denough, and I'm not even able to get any sleep because I am in too much pain!!!

I miss the time when acting was something I did for fun and not something I did to survive. i wish I never met with my therapist today. I think i am done with therapy

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#360357 - 04/21/11 03:31 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hi Peter,

We haven't met, but I've seen you around the place, I'm Gary. Sorry your sleep deprived, I'm a bit of an insomniac at times and hate the way sleep depravation feels. Does your therapist work with a doctor who could prescribe something to help you with any anxiety, depression, PTSD and sleeplessness that you're having? It won't fix things tonight, but could be helpful in the future. I used to be opposed to meds for myself and thought I'd be better just to tough things out, but no longer, there are many non-habit forming meds. to help these days.

You just need to get some rest and you'll feel much better about everything else, nothing you don't already know. Can you perhaps take today off, get back on track and rested up? Wish I could do something for you and hope you'll be feeling better soon.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#360358 - 04/21/11 05:28 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
My wonderful buddy Peter,

Please don't think of giving up on therapy just yet. I know you are sleep-deprived, but maybe once you've slept on it, you'll be thinking more clearly and you could decide then?

If you feel like you are merely playing a role for everyone, then it sounds to me as if you aren't letting others see the real you. Perhaps you are covering up the pain or the shame of your abuse? You know you don't have to hide any feelings here, bro; we've all been there, and we understand. You've got every right to feel pain and grief, and you are not to blame for what happened to you. There's no shame in being a victim of someone else's twisted actions. You had no choice.

Can you look deep in yourself and find out what is bothering you, buddy? I think you can - you're a strong guy. If you find out what it is, will you share it with us so we can help you? Please, buddy? I hate to see you going through this alone; I and many others here love you and want to go through this with you.

You know how hard this is for me, but I will pray that you get some sleep and feel better, buddy. (((((Peter)))))

Pleasant dreams, bud.

Your loving brother, as always,

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

Top
#360367 - 04/21/11 06:39 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
Some times I wonder the same thing Pete. Since it happend when i was young, i'm haunted by one qustion, who am I? Is this really who I am, would i be this person if i wasn't raped at 11 or abused at 4? I'm glad your able to shaer details with us, on this situation, but another part of me is sick to read it. Mainly cause I can't rember stuff like that. I just rember faces, places, events, no words, no tyrades or monolouges supplied by my abusers...all accept david. I hope things get to feeling better for you and you finaly find the peace in sleep. I also wanted to say, I am glad you survied all of it, you helped me in my WORK and in my perosnal life. I know it sounds selfish but..I need you.
Love your brother Tom.

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

Top
#360371 - 04/21/11 07:32 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: Aberrant30]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Peter I just love you so much and wish I had that “thing” that could take away the pain. Many times you’ve been a ray of light when I’ve been in deep ravines blocked by canyon walls to hope’s glow. We’ve grown close over this past year learning to allow each other to see through some of the “play acting” we each had to do at the time of our sexual assaults and find at times we feel we need to do now. In fact far too often it is not what we “feel” we need to do after rape it is what we feel “forced” to have to do in order to function in a world that does not grasp the issue. It is with each other and loving support systems far from here that we are learning to be free to “unplay” the protective roles of survival SA tries to smothers us with.

As did Bobcat, I’d like to offer some caution as to something you said;

“….i wish I never met with my therapist today. I think i am done with therapy”

Peter, if you quit going places that cause you pain I fear your world is going to continue to get smaller and smaller till you end up alone. As painful as it is to say even the lovingness and sweetest touch of a caring spouse/partner can and will, at times, push a trigger that will tilt the victim of sexual assault off center. Those moments are wake-ups to the fact we are not finished with the work of recovery - not a time to sound the retreat. The fact that your T said something that hurt means there was something already there to be hurt. It’s awful but the pain is a sign of progress and that is extremely important as we forge our paths through the sewer of ASA.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#360372 - 04/21/11 07:55 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: earlybird]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hi Peter

Thanks fr your post-it struck a chord with me about th acting part and feeling disconnected from self and not knowing who I really am at times.

Knowing me is probably the most painful thing i do-for mug of my life I wanted to be someone else cuz it burt too much to see me for me and accept the loneliness, pain, and rejection the abuse fostered in me.

I've learned in my men's community to safely express those deepest hurts and fears and still be ok-ev en better- with myself. I think they call this "integration" and I want you to know j hear you when you share those ugly parts of what you were forced to do in the abuse-AND I love and trust you more now that you expressed this deep hurt and shame.

Reading your post- You are a bigger man in my eyes.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#360377 - 04/21/11 10:20 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Peter,

I don't have answers for you, only more questions. I was struck by something you said and can't get it out of my mind:

Quote:
"The only way I could get through the situation was to pretend I was acting."

I hear this as pretending you were pretending, or acting like you were acting. For so many of us, acting a role is defensive and protective because we can become someone else. Because you love and have experience with acting it almost feels like you were pretending to act to protect your love of acting at the same time you were trying to protect you. Otherwise, weren't you just acting?

Is there two layers of pretending now, or just one? If you still feel like you are pretending to act in the roles you talked about, does the two layers make you even more distant and remote to those around you, perhaps with the goal of making you feel more protected?

Maybe you can find a time and place to spend one hour not acting at all. Wear who you are and how you feel in this moment and let it in.

When you were pretending to act during the assault, you were protecting you. Who are you protecting now and is it really needed?

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

Top
#360421 - 04/21/11 09:30 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: 1.healing]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Hi Gary,

I do think about going on meds for depression. I think of clinical depression as a chemical imbalance... so if I wasn't clinically depressed before the assault, then I don't know if the feelings I have would really be depression or just trying to cope.

without going into TMI, I already see a cardiologist, pulmonologist, physiatrist (not psychiatrist), gastroenterologist, endocrinologist, urologist, nephrologist, not to mention all the other professionals I deal with like home care, physical therapy, my T, etc. Let's just say it's complicated. At this point, I don't think I can handle the idea of adding yet another doctor and more meds. Although maybe all the meds I'm on are causing chemical imbalance & depression... I don't know. I get ativan sometimes, which can help with sleep or keep me from getting badly triggered when I'm in a situation that I know is going to be very hard to go through. I sometimes worry that when I take it, I'm holding myself back from recovery and trying to avoid my issues.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#360428 - 04/21/11 10:14 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I have taken vitamin B-complex tablets for years. Vitamin B-complex helps the nervous system remake new brain cells and other cells. It also helps with the function of the nervous system. I believe that in healing our brain needs extra vitamin B. Symptoms of deficiency are itchy skin possibly with small red itchy spots. If you get too much of it your urine will turn yellow so it's easy to tell if you're taking too much.

I think I had long-term sleep deprivation which of course kept getting worse and worse. I would force myself to keep going even if I was tired.

My body reacted to this and the stress of PTSD by making me hungry so that I would overeat. Overeating is a vicious cycle. Once a person starts to become overweight, and to feel perpetually tired, they just want to 'sit there.' That in turn makes them gain more weight. Solution of the sleep problem helps with the overeating problem.

My doctor gave me a pre>

Top
#360432 - 04/21/11 10:45 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Some more ideas.

When your brain is changing because of stress or treatment for it, you will crave Calcium. You might recognize it in a craving for calcium - rich foods. Milk and cottage cheese.

I use the dried milk powder made into liquid milk. It contains no fat. This is important because the fat part of the milk (cream) makes weight control more difficult. It also contributes cholesterol and if the milk contains any pesticides or chemicals they will often be associated with the cream. Therefore if you avoid cream you avoid these chemicals.

Another idea used with torture survivors: Write out your story in great detail. You don't have to show it to anybody at all. You don't have to post it here. But once you write it all out then your mind will feel free to start to forget it because the record is "out there".

You will need to talk out your story over and over until your brain gets tired of it. You can talk it out with a T OR with a trusted friend. It is not recommended that you talk it out over and over with your wife.

Allen


Top
#360435 - 04/21/11 11:18 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: pufferfish]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
My therapist does talk a lot about how trauma can drastically alter the structure of the brain, even when the trauma occurs in adulthood, so you make some interesting points. Nutrition certainly can be very related to our mood and the brain needs the right fuel in order to heal & function correctly... as far as nutrition for me goes, I am sure I am not getting the vitamins I need because the pain I mentioned before is from my dialysis treatments (which were previously going all night) and it caused me to vomit more than usual. My body doesn't produce urine or know what to do with normal food... i get most of my calories through a feeding tube. welcome to my world... I think I'll stop now.

they changed my dialysis routine today so hopefully sleep should happen tonight.

I am working on writing out my story and i am trying to piece it together. it is a process and it seems like my mind does better at recalling short flashes of vivid memory rather than stories that begin and end in a logical way. It is kind of like i'm playing 52 card pickup with the memories... Most of the time therapy really helps me to get a grip on mwhat happened but I guess yesterday was a situation where my T wanted to "go there" about the feeling like I'm just acting out different roles but there is so much other stuff going on inmy life, it is hard to process these new ideas.

I tried the valerian root when I had a hard time sleeping a few years ago. that stuff smells NASTY!!! IT did work, though... I will have to see if I can get my hands on some. Didn't know the B vitamins help with brain cell formation... I need all the extra neurons I can get.

I really appreciate all the thoughtful comments

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#360440 - 04/22/11 12:13 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: earlybird]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Bobcat,

You are a wonderful friend to me and i thank you for your kind words. Your prayers also do not go unanswered and I talk to God about you all the time (don't worry, it's all good things). I love you, too and i'm trying to get out as much stress as I can without it being TMI for some people. i am just in a lot of pain, mentally & physically... and your words about having the right to feel that pain brought comfort to me, as I tell myself to suck it up most of the time and that forces me into my usual place of detatchment & numbness.

Tom,

my fellow night owel, I appreciate that you have been around those nights at 2am when otherwise I'd be alone in my own thoughts. You have both kept me out of trouble so many times & appreciate that you are able to offer encouragement now. I am not giving up on you either!

Earl,

i'm so grateful to have gotten to know you since coming to MS. We live in very different worlds, but in other ways you know my world very well. I know you are right about giving up therapy and my world getting smaller. That is entirely possible, and not something I would want to happen... I guess this really comes down to the fact that I am actually starting to feel again. I've heard enough stories from older brothers in recovery such as yourself about doing something--anything to block yourself from feeling pain and I'm trying not to stop the recovery process from happening, but a lot of other times there is so much else going on in my life and I can't do everything. As much as my wife hates the fact that I am in therapy, it is for her that I go so that her good intentions and loving touch can be returned with more love, and not kneejerk reactions of suspicion.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#360441 - 04/22/11 12:36 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: Mountainous Buck]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: Mountainous Buck
I want you to know j hear you when you share those ugly parts of what you were forced to do in the abuse-AND I love and trust you more now that you expressed this deep hurt and shame.

Reading your post- You are a bigger man in my eyes.


THank you so much, Buck. those are the decisions I made and the things I did that haunt me now... but being able to say what I did and for someone to reply with a kind response like that, and not what I think I would deserve, it has the power to turn our fears inside out. there are so many things i keep in the dark because I'm afraid of what they'll look like in full view.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#360529 - 04/23/11 07:56 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hey Peter,

I wouldn't want to see another doctor or take another pill either, I understand where you're coming from. The psychiatrist though who you already see should be able to help with any Rx meds, perhaps an anti depressent would help to take the edge off so it's not as difficult to deal with everything, seems you have a very full plate! It's noble to want to tough it out and do it on your own, but the consequences of that can be that it becomes very difficult to work on anything because we become overwhelmed by our emotional pain and that can even aggravate physical pain itself.

You said some of the naturals work for you like Valerian, then smelly or not I'd take it even though I think that one smells like dirty socks? I tried to take it, but it didn't work for me. It's important though to check the naturals out with your doctor or pharmacist first, some things don't interact well together, who needs complications!

Hope you have a wonderful Easter holiday!

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#360534 - 04/23/11 10:02 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Peter,

There is so much in your very powerful post that I could address but think I will just do one right now.

You said - "If I ever think about what I did, I am so disgusted that I wish I never survived."

You are an educator - once you were in a classroom but you are still an educator. I have learned so much from you on so many themes and subjects. You know all about sentence structure and write beautifully.

But what I catch in others I sometimes fail to see in what I write and say concerning myself. When you write "what I did" you are doing a very tragic thing to yourself. You are placing on yourself the responsibility of the attack that was placed upon you by another. You are placing yourself in the position, in thought and sentence structure, as the one who is in action. You were not that person. You did not do things -things were done to you by him.

You reacted naturally and very humanly to survive. Like a man who suddenly was plunged under water you reacted to keep breathing. What is wrong with that? What is wrong with living and coming out alive at the end of a horrible time?

I know your character and if surviving had meant harming another you would have chosen death. I think I am of that character as well. So why are you any less than that? Why would I be any less than that? You did not have sex with this man - you were sexually assaulted. But just because the word "sex" is in there does not mean it was sex.

I am gay and had sex with men before my assaults and then, after a time, I did again. The key to it though was those times I was with men was consensual. That night was not consenual. Did I surrender to it after a time? Yeah, I did. I had run out of options to escape and physically I could not. But it was not sex that took place in my apartment. It was rape. And when I was forced to do things to both of them it was not sex. It was still part of being raped by both of them. I will never look at it as sex - nor when any of these CSA men were abused or when an adult man has been assaulted. There is no damn way I will ever look at it as sex. The only person you have ever had sex with is still your wife.

You and I have had some incredible talks and I do know that you care for me as your friend and older brother here (careful on the emphasis of "older").

I know that you would come to my defense if I was saying the things about myself that you have indicated in what I quoted from your post. You did nothing that was not forced upon you by a person who was physically stronger and in a position of authority to attack you.

You were and still are worth the decision to live. That is all you "did". Now please take the responsibility from you and put it where it belongs. Put it back on the person that the courts found to be guilty of sexual assault and not a sexual act.

You are a hero to me.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#360542 - 04/23/11 10:45 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: pufferfish]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

Top
#360739 - 04/25/11 06:07 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: philistine]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
From the link I just posted from the University of Illinois


Sexual Arousal and Rape

Some men experience an involuntary erection and/or ejaculation during the assault, but both of these responses occur as involuntary reactions to extreme stress, fear or stimulation:

• In the same way that a sneeze or yawn is an involuntary response, erections while being assaulted are purely physiological.

• An erection alone never equals consent.

• When helping a male survivor, emphasize that the attack was one of violence and control, not sex or sexuality.

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#360806 - 04/26/11 05:08 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: prisonerID]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
Thanks for the link Daryl. Good stuff in that article. More doctors and response personel should be familar with that article.


Top
#361004 - 04/29/11 12:55 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: nevragan]
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
thank you Pete your so wonderful.

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

Top
#361264 - 05/02/11 10:44 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: Aberrant30]
just me Offline


Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 195
Peter,
We haven't chatted in a while...but I wanted to add my 'voice' to the chorus of support you have. Daryl's response says it all so I have little to add.
Here for you,
JM

_________________________
My Story

Top
#361667 - 05/08/11 02:13 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: just me]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Peter-sometimes the insomnia and sleep cycles don't bother me but with emotional/physical pain the mental stability is shot. You've had to deal with so much. When I read all the comments I see men all helping each other over the rough stuff, sometimes barely hanging on themself, but we all know the journey.
I have some bad reactions to sleep meds, the dreams freaked me but I was so amped the herbal and behavioral remedies weren't strong enough. Once I got a grip on the many issues and conditions then the the fun began.
Herbal teas with a cinnamon stick and honey in a bowl just soaking my feet in a pan of hot soapy water. That and a lot of daytime mental relaxation.
That never happened before.
I feel for you brother, the nite owl effect sucks. Hope my thoughts are enough to comfort you.

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

Top
#362637 - 05/20/11 11:49 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: prisonerID]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
He ridiculed me for not getting an erection. Said I was not any use to my wife and that she was probably out having sex with other men because my body does not work right. I also hear stories of male rape survivors being taunted by rapists because their bodies responded with an erection. I guess we are damned if we do, damned if we don't. Words can't express the hate I'm carrying. He told me that I was cheating but that my wife was because no woman would put up with my body.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#362642 - 05/21/11 12:14 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: prisonerID]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
There is a lot to think about here. I amdtoo sleepy but grateful for friends like you who tell me the truth about yourself and the truth about me. I always told my wife ithought she was a virgin even though she was raped. Even if a victim of rape has been very sexually active, they can still love truly and completely after rape. I believe that is true. I was scared to survive, not even sure it Was what I wanted but she built her life around me... not a good idea. This is coming out wrong and I am out of practice with coherent writing.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#362656 - 05/21/11 06:29 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Crux,

I’m so sorry about the man’s evil and hurtful words. Despite the child’s limerick; “sticks and stones….” Words do really break bones. Not those that formed our frame and supports our physical bodies rather the psychological bones that give our souls, minds and hearts their pillars on which to stand and build our lives.

My friend “Bobcat” recognized a year ago, long before others, how haunted I was by the words cruelly whispered in my ear and advised me to listen to him and others instead of re-listening to my rapist’s voice. When I’d write something where I was inadvertently supporting things this man said about me during the rape Bobcat would sometimes respond to the post with only two words; “whisper, whisper”. I’m sure some wondered “what the hell” but I knew exactly what he was doing and it helped beyond measure. So, in the words of my dear friend let our voices ring louder for they are born form truth and love not wickedness and hate, you are an amazing survivor and man who is cared for by us and clearly loved and desired by his wife.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#362663 - 05/21/11 09:08 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
We value you as a wonderful and supportive friend and so thrilled to see you back here.

We easily give to others what we deny to ourselves. Why talking and thinking in the third person in reference to ourselves can be helpful. If you look back on some of the thoughtful things you have written to us both here and in PMs could you put your name in there in place of another's.

It is hard, as earlybird, stated to shake those whispers or shouts. They still ring in my ears to this day and especially when triggered. But I do talk back now - no knife at my throat anymore or a gun at my head.

Talk back - he was wrong and he is still wrong.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

Top
#362706 - 05/21/11 09:58 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: earlybird]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
3 Purrs for Bobcat!

My therapist has asked me to write down a list of things my rapist said to me while the assaults were happening. I have remembered many of the statements and am still recalling more as my memory of the assault [unfortunately] is becoming clearer. I don't want to keep remembering things and it always seems to happen when I am in surroundings that resemble my assault (like all the time i spent in the hospital this past month.) It has been about a month since therapy and I don't know if I'm ready to go back. There are more things to add to the list.

It is like he knew everything i was insecure about and branded his fiery epithets into my already wounded ego. The things he said about the smell of my breath (who would think a guy with chronic vomiting would be insecure about that) and impotence, the unpleasantness of my body. He made me feel like I was both a sex object and at the same time invalid as a sexual being... I was either only good for his sexual use or completely useless as a sexual partner to my wife--revolting to any sane woman. He spoke about how pretty my wife was and how there was no way she would want someone like me. It made my blood boil to hear him say sexual things about my wife's body and not to be able to beat him to a pulp.

she cries a lot and says I don't pay enough attention to her. don't think she knows that all I really want is for her to touch me and prove that i am lovable. and i hate myself for being weak and needing that from a woman in order to feel like a man.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#363066 - 05/26/11 10:55 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1349
My dear friend Pete,

I hardly know where to begin.

I know of your experiences, your stuggles and your strength. You are an incredibly strong and heroic individual.

The words -- the LIES -- the person who assaulted you said to you were purposefully meant to make you feel like an object. Only by objectifying you could he do the things he did.

The hurt he knew his words would have on your self esteem was one of the many ways he used to ensure your silence. That sorry excuse of a human being knew what to say to warp the reality of the situation and to add insult to injury. He knew that even after the physical act was over his words would reverberate in your mind.

As one of the guys commented regarding something you wrote, you were NOT the actor, as in the initiator, nor the responsible party to the assualts.

I know it is easy to say "don't hold yourself responsible," but many of us do.

The fact remains, you were not the responsible party. You did what you had to do to survive. That's what we all did in one form or another.

Regarding feeling like you are acting in your daily life, yes, it can feel that way. We try to be the way we were before the assault. We try to act like nothing is wrong. We try to be the rocks others expect (or we think they expect) us to be. We try to act as though it didn't happen.

But those "acts" are hurtful. They prevent us from acknowledging the deep pain caused by the assaults. And, truth be told, we aren't fooling anyone, not even ourselves.

We hold ourselves in contempt for not being able to act "well enough" to convince others that everything is ok, when it is in fact not ok. But we are really condemning ourselves to a role we cannot master. Acting as though things are ok doesn't make them so. This act has no appreicable audience. No one to recognize the hard work and preparation. No applause at the end.

It is a hollow act, for an audience of one, and that one cannot be satisfied or fooled by the actor. For we know it is an act and that we are falling short of the performance we are trying to give.

The only way to play the role is to stop acting and be who you are -- now.

It takes a lot of energy to try to maintain a façade, and that energy would be better spent working on these issues in therapy.

I know therapy can be painful. But not working on these issues is even worse. The fact that your therapist found a point of pain only shows you that there are more levels to the trauma needing work.

There is no shame in needing help to work through this.

Therapy is one of the most difficult things an individual can ever do for themselves. It is also one of the most rewarding.

As others have commented, I fear that if you leave therapy, your already small world will become even smaller, and more imprisoning. You already cut yourself off from others for reasons that do not need to be stated here. You do not need further isolation. That isolation only serves to deepen the shame - the shame is not yours.

I say these things to you as much as I say them to myself. Though the exact circumstances of our experiences may differ, there are many similarities in the effects.

I hope you can glean a glimmer of the support you give others.

Regarding what you want and need from your wife, there is nothing wrong with that. Humans need contact to be healthy. The condition that results from a lack of contact, especially when that contact is withheld early in life, is called "Failure to Thrive," but I believe a form of it can be acquired anytime during life.

You are NOT weak for wanting physical affection and attention from your wife. And it does NOT make you weak.

Having physical attention from your wife isn't to make you feel like a man, it is to let you know that you are a human being capable of being loved.

We all need loving, nurturing touch. It is part of the human condition.

From your last statements about your wife crying about you not paying attention to her and you wanting, but not receiving, the physical attention you crave, it would seem that the two of you having an honest discussion about this would go a long way for both of you.

I think it would help you to both feel less rejected, however inadvertantly, by the other, and let you each see you are craving what you need, just misinterpreting why you aren't receiving it from the other.

I know what a strong man you are. We have had many conversations and I think I understand your situation better than most. I know you are a fighter and a survivor. Please do not give up on therapy. Let your T, and others, help you reclaim what was wrongfully taken from you.


(((((Pete))))))




Anomalous

_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

Top
#363127 - 05/27/11 04:00 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: Anomalous]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Anom,

It is comforting to hear from you, and your replies even more because they come from a trusted and valued friend. Yes, you do know a great deal about my situation and your perspective is always helpful.

I definitely am going to try staying in therapy for as long as I can. You and Earl both made comments about my world getting smaller if I stop going to therapy. I don't want that to happen and I owe so much of my recovery to his compassionate listening. It was my lifeline for many months before I could tell my family and I hope I can get back on track by having sessions that are actually productive. Today we just played catch up... updating him on how this past month has been going without analyzing any flashbacks or trauma. My wife agreed to pay for two sessions of therapy a week which sounds exhausting so I hope i can handle both the physical & emotional recovery at the same time

I don't know why it is so hard to accept that I was not the actor. He came into my room multiple times... why didn't I call for help? Why didn't I see past the threats he made? Because of the one thing he said... "No one will believe you anyway." If I called for help, and I wasn't believed, that would only bring me humiliation and death. I know a lot of us here have been there and that is why it is easier to talk about this with guys like you, who know the fear that comes when you are held hostage for all intents & purposes.

The humiliation comes & goes, but I am still here. Disclosure seems like a continual process, where I gradually let my closest family and my spouse in on why I have behaved the way I have behaved. I am beginning to see that I need to open the doors a little wider so that I can just be myself and not have to act.

Recently my wife told me that she carries resentment because to her, I have one emotion: anger. I numb out all day and pretend to smile. It's the smile my rapist forced onto my face when he told me that I had to smile while performing sexual acts with him. It was hard to smile while experiencing so much pain but I had to do it. That is the only smile I seem to have now, although I do think I feel authentic emotion around my 11 month old son. She doesnt' realize that I do have more than one emotion, I just try to be stoic about my expression.

There have been times where I have set up the day so that my wife and I have time to talk but I always chicken out on telling her that I do need touch and that I'm sorry for pushing her away. Funny, I worked up the courage to ask her out when I was an awkward teenager, but this seems like the hardest thing in my life.

I really appreciate your care and concern but wish you did not have to go through the experiences you had that gave you this knowledge.

Peter

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#363325 - 05/31/11 12:38 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: just me]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 731
Loc: NJ
Pete...there is a lot here...but I want to ask or more so comment on one thing...

Most likly what he was saying to you..he was really saying to himself, it doesnt help much....but he was really talking to himself about how he cant do x, y and z..is not worth x, y and Z....he projected his own insecurities about himself onto you.

Just my thought for the day...I hope you can hear all the good and all the love people have for you here.

Take the chance, tell her your felling...your need for safe touch and to know you are desirable....im betting she will give you waht you need, if she knows.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#363404 - 06/01/11 10:06 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: Castle]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
Crux,

Your wife should be your most trusted friend, companion, lover, and intimate confidant and you should be the same to her.

What I'm about to suggest to help you is completely unconventional and maybe misunderstood but I remember reading somewhere that you were an opera singer. Correct? That's acting. Actors use "sense-memory" to perform in a scene. I'm not suggesting that you "act" but remember that awkward young man who had the courage to ask his girlfriend to marry him? Use that memory to give yourself the courage to talk to you wife.

Please forgive me if I have offended you in anyway and you think me mad for suggesting this but if that young man had the courage so long ago, then the man you are now, as painful as it is for you to do so, can gather that same courage to do explain to his most trusted friend, companion, lover, and intimate confidant his troubled mind.

Rusty



Edited by Rusty563 (06/01/11 10:11 AM)
_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDOkMSf-F14

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.