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#360435 - 04/21/11 11:18 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: pufferfish]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
My therapist does talk a lot about how trauma can drastically alter the structure of the brain, even when the trauma occurs in adulthood, so you make some interesting points. Nutrition certainly can be very related to our mood and the brain needs the right fuel in order to heal & function correctly... as far as nutrition for me goes, I am sure I am not getting the vitamins I need because the pain I mentioned before is from my dialysis treatments (which were previously going all night) and it caused me to vomit more than usual. My body doesn't produce urine or know what to do with normal food... i get most of my calories through a feeding tube. welcome to my world... I think I'll stop now.

they changed my dialysis routine today so hopefully sleep should happen tonight.

I am working on writing out my story and i am trying to piece it together. it is a process and it seems like my mind does better at recalling short flashes of vivid memory rather than stories that begin and end in a logical way. It is kind of like i'm playing 52 card pickup with the memories... Most of the time therapy really helps me to get a grip on mwhat happened but I guess yesterday was a situation where my T wanted to "go there" about the feeling like I'm just acting out different roles but there is so much other stuff going on inmy life, it is hard to process these new ideas.

I tried the valerian root when I had a hard time sleeping a few years ago. that stuff smells NASTY!!! IT did work, though... I will have to see if I can get my hands on some. Didn't know the B vitamins help with brain cell formation... I need all the extra neurons I can get.

I really appreciate all the thoughtful comments

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#360440 - 04/22/11 12:13 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: earlybird]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Bobcat,

You are a wonderful friend to me and i thank you for your kind words. Your prayers also do not go unanswered and I talk to God about you all the time (don't worry, it's all good things). I love you, too and i'm trying to get out as much stress as I can without it being TMI for some people. i am just in a lot of pain, mentally & physically... and your words about having the right to feel that pain brought comfort to me, as I tell myself to suck it up most of the time and that forces me into my usual place of detatchment & numbness.

Tom,

my fellow night owel, I appreciate that you have been around those nights at 2am when otherwise I'd be alone in my own thoughts. You have both kept me out of trouble so many times & appreciate that you are able to offer encouragement now. I am not giving up on you either!

Earl,

i'm so grateful to have gotten to know you since coming to MS. We live in very different worlds, but in other ways you know my world very well. I know you are right about giving up therapy and my world getting smaller. That is entirely possible, and not something I would want to happen... I guess this really comes down to the fact that I am actually starting to feel again. I've heard enough stories from older brothers in recovery such as yourself about doing something--anything to block yourself from feeling pain and I'm trying not to stop the recovery process from happening, but a lot of other times there is so much else going on in my life and I can't do everything. As much as my wife hates the fact that I am in therapy, it is for her that I go so that her good intentions and loving touch can be returned with more love, and not kneejerk reactions of suspicion.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#360441 - 04/22/11 12:36 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: Mountainous Buck]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: Mountainous Buck
I want you to know j hear you when you share those ugly parts of what you were forced to do in the abuse-AND I love and trust you more now that you expressed this deep hurt and shame.

Reading your post- You are a bigger man in my eyes.


THank you so much, Buck. those are the decisions I made and the things I did that haunt me now... but being able to say what I did and for someone to reply with a kind response like that, and not what I think I would deserve, it has the power to turn our fears inside out. there are so many things i keep in the dark because I'm afraid of what they'll look like in full view.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#360529 - 04/23/11 07:56 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hey Peter,

I wouldn't want to see another doctor or take another pill either, I understand where you're coming from. The psychiatrist though who you already see should be able to help with any Rx meds, perhaps an anti depressent would help to take the edge off so it's not as difficult to deal with everything, seems you have a very full plate! It's noble to want to tough it out and do it on your own, but the consequences of that can be that it becomes very difficult to work on anything because we become overwhelmed by our emotional pain and that can even aggravate physical pain itself.

You said some of the naturals work for you like Valerian, then smelly or not I'd take it even though I think that one smells like dirty socks? I tried to take it, but it didn't work for me. It's important though to check the naturals out with your doctor or pharmacist first, some things don't interact well together, who needs complications!

Hope you have a wonderful Easter holiday!

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#360534 - 04/23/11 10:02 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Peter,

There is so much in your very powerful post that I could address but think I will just do one right now.

You said - "If I ever think about what I did, I am so disgusted that I wish I never survived."

You are an educator - once you were in a classroom but you are still an educator. I have learned so much from you on so many themes and subjects. You know all about sentence structure and write beautifully.

But what I catch in others I sometimes fail to see in what I write and say concerning myself. When you write "what I did" you are doing a very tragic thing to yourself. You are placing on yourself the responsibility of the attack that was placed upon you by another. You are placing yourself in the position, in thought and sentence structure, as the one who is in action. You were not that person. You did not do things -things were done to you by him.

You reacted naturally and very humanly to survive. Like a man who suddenly was plunged under water you reacted to keep breathing. What is wrong with that? What is wrong with living and coming out alive at the end of a horrible time?

I know your character and if surviving had meant harming another you would have chosen death. I think I am of that character as well. So why are you any less than that? Why would I be any less than that? You did not have sex with this man - you were sexually assaulted. But just because the word "sex" is in there does not mean it was sex.

I am gay and had sex with men before my assaults and then, after a time, I did again. The key to it though was those times I was with men was consensual. That night was not consenual. Did I surrender to it after a time? Yeah, I did. I had run out of options to escape and physically I could not. But it was not sex that took place in my apartment. It was rape. And when I was forced to do things to both of them it was not sex. It was still part of being raped by both of them. I will never look at it as sex - nor when any of these CSA men were abused or when an adult man has been assaulted. There is no damn way I will ever look at it as sex. The only person you have ever had sex with is still your wife.

You and I have had some incredible talks and I do know that you care for me as your friend and older brother here (careful on the emphasis of "older").

I know that you would come to my defense if I was saying the things about myself that you have indicated in what I quoted from your post. You did nothing that was not forced upon you by a person who was physically stronger and in a position of authority to attack you.

You were and still are worth the decision to live. That is all you "did". Now please take the responsibility from you and put it where it belongs. Put it back on the person that the courts found to be guilty of sexual assault and not a sexual act.

You are a hero to me.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#360542 - 04/23/11 10:45 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: pufferfish]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 209
Loc: Oregon
_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#360739 - 04/25/11 06:07 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: philistine]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
From the link I just posted from the University of Illinois


Sexual Arousal and Rape

Some men experience an involuntary erection and/or ejaculation during the assault, but both of these responses occur as involuntary reactions to extreme stress, fear or stimulation:

• In the same way that a sneeze or yawn is an involuntary response, erections while being assaulted are purely physiological.

• An erection alone never equals consent.

• When helping a male survivor, emphasize that the attack was one of violence and control, not sex or sexuality.

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#360806 - 04/26/11 05:08 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: prisonerID]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
Thanks for the link Daryl. Good stuff in that article. More doctors and response personel should be familar with that article.


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#361004 - 04/29/11 12:55 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: nevragan]
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
thank you Pete your so wonderful.

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

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#361264 - 05/02/11 10:44 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: Aberrant30]
just me Offline


Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 193
Peter,
We haven't chatted in a while...but I wanted to add my 'voice' to the chorus of support you have. Daryl's response says it all so I have little to add.
Here for you,
JM

_________________________
My Story

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