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#36023 - 01/20/03 02:16 PM rage...**trigger?**
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I am not sure what I am posting for, except to say I am having a bad day. And there, right back there is a judgment of myself.

I feel anger, maybe even rage. That makes it a bad day? I am not hurting anyone, and I have no intention of hurting anyone. However, my normally patient self has gone away. Short tempered James is here.

Why shouldn't I feeel rage? Why should I just be able to go forward and re create myself? Why CAN"T I just go forward and re create myself? GOD DAMMIT

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#36024 - 01/20/03 02:59 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
Mark S Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 130
Loc: England
Cement.

If that's how you feel, good. It's better to realise your feelings and then feel them rather deny them. It's honest. You say your not hurting anyone and that's important too. I feel that we expect that as a success of therapy we shouldn't get angry, be short tempered etc, but it can be really heathy to get angry.

I actually get frustrated at times for not getting angry, letting people take advantage of me etc.

Hope at least some of that made sense. I often find it difficult getting what I mean out of my head and onto paper.

Mark :rolleyes:


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#36025 - 01/20/03 03:42 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I have difficulty getting this stuff out sometimes too.

angry for feeling angry, frustrated that I don't feel ok about being angry, angry because I cannot do what I want, which is just feel better.

all in all, a circular hell.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#36026 - 01/20/03 04:24 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Being angry for not feeling good--->feeling guilty about that & thus feeling worse--->getting more angry, for feeling too guilty or not guilty enuf--->getting more angry & feeling even worse--->now that's a carousel I don't want to ride anymore!

I've tried just letting my anger go and really venting it in ways violent to others or to myself or mostly to things, verbally or physically. It didn't release it but just kept pouring out more & more, as tho coming from a bottomless pit of hell.

I've more recently tried mostly just holding my anger in. But it almost inevitably gets built up & explodes out per above, rather than dissipating within me. Meanwhile it eats me up from the inside out.

Now I'm starting to work on a better way, openly acknowledging, venting, expressing & releasing my
anger, but in ways that are appropriate to how I treat others & how I treat myself. Therapy has been a huge help here, as have recovery sites, especially MS, as a place to vent & talk things thru. Sometimes, I even kinda get it right!... \:o

Finding new ways of relating & communicating, and finding alternate activities & coping mechanisms,
has been real important. Especially setting proper boundaries between myself and certain people or situations. Relaxation techniques & good reading have been vital as well.

Like I said, I'm still really working on this one...

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#36027 - 01/20/03 05:58 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
[QB] Being angry for not feeling good--->feeling guilty about that & thus feeling worse--->getting more angry, for feeling too guilty or not guilty enuf--->getting more angry & feeling even worse--->now that's a carousel I don't want to ride anymore!

How the hell do you get off of it????????? Every go round I get kicked in the teeth....not many left ;\)

I know, I know! Rome wasn't built in a day :rolleyes:

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#36028 - 01/20/03 06:18 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
Thats a vicious cycle Dude. At some point after I remembered my abuse I entered the anger phase. I tried to bottle it up but then it just comes out when it wants to. I got pulled over like 7 times in a 6 month period. A lot of the cops just let me go with a warning, some gave me tickets and at least one of the tickets never showed up on my record. One time I said "If you knew what I've been through I guarantee you would not give me that ticket." He looked at me for a few seconds, didn't ask and didn't give me the ticket.

I tried cutting anger out bit by bit. Figuring out why he did what he did and forgiving released me from the misery. I wasn't stuffing it, I was pulling the anger out by the roots so it wouldn't grow back. It took me about 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 years though. One method I used was looking at everything I ever did wrong, (not pleasant). I never did anything sick like he did, but I am far from perfect myself. It wasn't easy, but it worked. I also realized that he took the "I'm so tough look at the damage I can cause, so don't mess with me" At least I could attempt to identify with it on some level even remotely.

Mo Healing


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#36029 - 01/20/03 06:39 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
thanks you guys...writing it helps...
I am going to post aanother set of feelings I am having today that I wrote about...

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#36030 - 01/20/03 06:51 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sometimes I just feel angry, frustrated, pissed off, depressed and downright miserable for being ME !!

I've also felt confused, frightened, unsure of what to do when I've felt GOOD !!

I think sometimes we get overloaded by all these emotions we spent years hiding, and when they come up we just dont know how to deal with them.

But we figure it out eventually, I enjoy them now.
Even the bad one's ?
Well, I have to say that it's a two sided thing - I don't enjoy feeling bad, but as long as I know why I feel bad ( my abuse ) and that I will get over it, then I enjoy 'feeling' emotions as best I can.
I guess I feel grateful that I have begun to feel anything once again after so many years of nothing.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#36031 - 01/21/03 08:37 AM Re: rage...**trigger?**
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
The circular carousel from hell in my inner world of painful feelings, exaggerated emotions, distorted thoughts, and self defeating behaviors.

I didn't want to go on this ride, how come I have to pay the price of admission?

My T keeps telling me it's a ride with an end in sight, it'll stop eventually. yeah yeah yeah

jer


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#36032 - 01/21/03 10:57 AM Re: rage...**trigger?**
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
Your T is right. I find myself riding sometimes a couple of hours a week or month or few months now instead of all day every day (every hour of the day my temazapam didn't take me out).


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#36033 - 01/21/03 01:03 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
That's the thing about a carousel. It's a ride that goes in an endless circle. But at some point it is going to stop and you will be able to get off. And when you can't you at least get a breather before it starts up again. :rolleyes:

So when my ride is a vicious cycle of some bad feeling, I try to be a "rider on the storm," to as Dave said embrace it as my emotion, my reality,
and hang on for dear life.

And if it's a good feeling, a "vital cycle" I'm riding, then I as Dave also said try to ride that sucker out for everything it's worth & make the most of it, instead of wondering, "what the hell am I feeling good for!?" That's what I did over Christmas holiday in Manhattan on the Central Park Carousel.

Oh yeah, there is a price for riding the emotional
carousel, wherever it takes me.

That's why we survivors are so good at acting out or numbing out in different ways. We numb our feelings & act like it doesn't matter. But it does, so it doesn't work. But we keep trying becuz
we would rather feel the familiar pain, the comfortable numbness, of our dysfunctional thots & behaviors, than we would the unfamiliar pain of actually feeling anything. It can hurt to feel especially when we're not used to doing it, or doing it in a functional way.

But as we pay the price & begin to feel, and to feel in ways positive to our recovery & our lives,
we find that while still painful at times, it's worth it & so much better than being "comfortably numb." At least that's what I'm starting to learn and experience...

BTW, Al my friend, hold your head high, but inside the carousel, as you're riding it carousel. It might save you a few dental bills... ;\) \:D

And I say that as one who's missing "a few" teeth
myself! \:o \:\)

Take care men

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#36034 - 01/21/03 03:21 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
As Dave said

Quote:
I guess I feel grateful that I have begun to feel anything
I am working toward that goal. Feeling things is surprisingly difficult and unusual, and scary.

Quote:
We would rather feel the familiar pain, the comfortable numbness, of our dysfunctional thots & behaviors, than we would the unfamiliar pain of actually feeling anything. It can hurt to feel especially when we're not used to doing it, or doing it in a functional way.
So well said. I wish my emotional self could catch up to my intellectual process.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

Top
#36035 - 01/21/03 03:28 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
The second, excellent quote was from Victor.

thanks
James

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

Top
#36036 - 01/21/03 03:36 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
Mark S Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 130
Loc: England
Cement.

It seems that our emotional self always takes a while to catch up with our intellectual self. I don't know why and it's damn frustrating, but you are on the road to recovery. From reading your post's, you are starting to know and understand your feelings, it just takes time before what you know, becomes what you believe.

As Dave said feelings can be enjoyable even the bad one's. Before I understood my process, when feeling crap I would take myself to bed for days on end, chastiseing myself for being lazy and good for nothing. Now I go with the flow, take some chocolate and ice cream to bed with me and before long I'm bored, up and rareing to go.

Mark ;\)


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#36037 - 01/21/03 04:39 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
I had to learn to celebrate all my feelings, including pain sorrow and anger. They tell me I'm alive and human.

I love this guys work.
This is from, The Prophet
by Kahlil Gibran

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.


This line
________________________________________________________________________
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
__________________________________________________________________________
has been my something to hope for as a survivor. It has so far held true.


he has another one for pain but that's another time.


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#36038 - 01/21/03 07:47 PM Re: rage...**trigger?**
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
When you read a sad and distressing post, do you cry ?

Do you laugh at the jokes we share ?

Do you feel the pain someone writes about ?

If someone feels good about their success, do you feel good for them ?

I bet we all answered YES, so how come it's so hard to feel this emotional about ourselves ?

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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