TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!

good evening guys. i decided to go ahead and do a recovery video blog. below is the link to the first episode that i've called fear/assignment...

i felt very strongly about doing this. not only to help myself but to help others too and if it helps even one person then it is worth it...

i'm posting a trigger warning because there is a lot of raw emotion in it. this is me fellas.. this is a part of me... here's hoping we can gain some healing from it... thanks fellas...

todd/obi/brobiwan

sorry. looks like the last couple of minutes got cut off...

hopefully, the point came across and i do appreciate any feedback, comments that anyone wants to share...

Todd,

You're a brave soul to expose yourself so openly to us. I commend and respect you for that. I don't know that I could do the same.

My hope for you is that you will keep making steps (even baby steps) forward with your intimacy issue. Give yourself some time and space before starting another relationship. Good things come to those who wait.

Your Brother,

Rusty

Hey Todd!

That was brave!

Thanks for posting-it makes me sad we haven't connected more lately-I think a lot of men will find your video helpful-much more than just posts on a page.

I hear you about the fear of intimacy-that ruled my life for many years and destroyed relationships-I had to trust that I could walk thru dating and relationships one date at a time, and just see where things went when I was willing to face the fear. (I already know what it's like to run from the fear.)

Jamie

thanks rusty and jamie....

yeah, i'm kind of bummed that the last few minutes got cut off... but that's ok....

like i said, i know it's helping me and i truly hope that it helps others too...

everything is one step at a time...

more vids to come!

thanks again...

todd

i will admit that i am fired up about doing this. in fact, i already have my next topic and it will be titled "january 28th, 2006". look for this vid to be posted tonight.

part 2, titled january 28th, 2006.

adding the trigger warning again..




hopefully, this will work...

let's try part 3....

accepting the good things...

trigger warning.....

The benefit I get from this is un-unclear by any specific name, but I can descride it as being A LOT like my group every Tuesday night. The tangibility of YOU...the reality of YOU actually being here. This is truly powerful! What an idea! Well done!

thanks robbie...

there are plans to add more vids...

possibly another one over the weekend... not sure yet...

i do have a funnny vid that i did of some funny stuff that moose (peter corbett) says....

if people are interested i may post it... moose thought it was funny...

part 4.... that little boy inside....

trigger warning just in case.

Thank you again for the connection. You have great vision of all this "this" we deal with, but you could just shoot rubber-bands at the camera and I would still feel so much less issolated in this world of the un-speakables.

here ya go robbie.

ROFLMFAO!!!! You got me to smile...just when I thought I had the grumppies down-pat.

There's something seriously wrong with us. Ain't it grand?

nope. i don't believe that there is something seriously wrong with us...

i believe that we are men, that at sometime in our lives, were abused.... that doesn't make me any less than any other man out there...

i'm a survivor..i'm a thriver... and i'm sharing my journey with all who want to be a part of it... like i said before, if it even helps one person then it is all worth it... even if that one person is just me....

yes, there's going to be some hard times vids... but there's also going to be good times vids as well... hopefully, all will be inspirational....

todd

and it is grand when the little boy in us comes out to play... even if it's to shoot rubberbands at the camera...LOL...

Obiwan,

Please don't stop the vids. I just played the one about accepting the good things in life that happen to us and I realized that I stopped a long, long time ago, even before I began my recovery, I had started shutting down.

I'm still in the grief stage of my recovery so it's still hard to find any joy in my life and my self-esteem is shot to hell.

I thank you for taking a chance on us. (((Todd))))

Rusty

thanks rusty.. and i have part 5 ready to go..

here it is.. part 5.. .TRUST!!!!

as always... TRIGGER WARNING....

Well done guys. Thank you for another connection outside these walls.

What about trust for those of us whom have been burned time and time again when trusting people. As a kid I learned what Dr House repeats on every show, "people lie." I learned at a very early age that people are also evil, that they regularly fail their supposed human-side of doing no harm...that trusting people is pointless and dangerous. Yup..burned time and time again.

I have seen little-to-no evidence that anything but a tiny minority can be trusted. I think at this point in my life, I'll only be able to truly trust are professionals with HIPPA restrictions. But hey, even my divorce court over-rid HIPPA. So there are things I cannot even tell him now.

robbie,

i do plan on visiting the topic of "trust" again... the last one was just a quick little dabble in it...

i do feel for you and what you are going through. i can certainly understand why you have little to no trust at all...

i liken, what you are going through, to the story of job.... i'm sure you know that story. you also know how it ends that job ended up getting everything back and then some... i have a strong feeling that the same will hold true for you robbie... keep holding on... keep fighting the good fight.. you're going to make it...

Nice to meet you, Obi.

part 6 - my story....

guys... this was the hardest one to make.... i know i've already posted my story in the survivors section, but it's so much more that i told it on vid....

EXTREME TRIGGER WARNING!!!!

I've started and restarted not knowing what to say to you. I'm so deeply hurt for you Todd but you're a brave, brave man to share your story in such an open way.

I wept. I was disgusted because he called it "A GAME!" That son of a bitch called it A GAME! I'm so angry.

Yes, I got triggered because of what my last perp did to me. I feel a mixture of grief and anger right now. My thoughts are everywhere. I can't think straight.

((((Todd))))

Rusty

thanks for the support rusty...

thanks for the support from everyone else too....

it means a lot to me...

i can only hope that these vids i have done is helping....

i want to do more.... but, i'm not sure... been feeling a little conflicted about it...

been wondering if it's too raw... too emotional and is causing more damage than helping.?.?.?

part 7 - feeling worthy


trigger warning...

Ey Obi, that was good. You are a great guy. Take care.

hugs Obi... Todd... we love you lots....u r AWESOME!!! BRAVE!! AND A GREAT MAN

G

Obi,

By virtue of the fact that you're posting these videos for our benefit, exposing yourself to us, gives you value and worth. You're helping us ask the same questions of ourselves that you have asked of yourself.

After I watched this installment, I went to my wife and asked her if she could see me as a man with low self-esteem and worth and she said, "Yes." She's noticed a steady decline over the last couple of years and since I've begun recovery it's the worst it's ever been.

I'm trying to put the pieces of my life back together just like you, just like everyone here at MS. This installment has made me realize that I truely have a long road ahead of me.

Rusty

thanks for the comments everyone.... they are all greatly appreciated...

makes me feel like i'm doing the right thing by posting these vids....

i'm sure there will be more coming.... just waiting for when an idea strikes me to talk about....

of course, if there are ideas, suggestions of topics that you guys would like to be discussed feel free to mention them or pm me with the thoughts...

I like how you make these issues real to the world, Obi. Seeing you on video makes you so unbelievably real. It's helpful seeing a real person talk about his issues, and his repressed memories.

Yesterday I told two people, a doctor and a therapist, about my own memories I have not been recalling most of my life. And it's hurtful to bump into disbelief, to feel like having to disprove insanity. And then there is you, with your - I'll say it again a few times - real emotions, real presence, and real reaction to the horrible events you have had the misfortune to experience.

Don't you dare believe that you're not doing an obviously good thing posting these videos here!

I finally watch No.6. I could never get past the trigger warning before. I'm too shaken to say much more than I hate human nature...the dark side of human nature. Anyone who releases it upon a child because he is too fkg self-centered to bother to think of the child...deserves to die. There IS NO EXCUSE!!!!

(((((Obi))))) You did well sir!

thanks guys for all your support...

wow! robbie!!! proud that you were able to get through vid #6... yes , it was a tough one...

BUT, i'm going to be posting #8 here in a minute.... and i do have to say it's a very good one! i'm proud of myself for this next one too...

here it is fellas... #8 titled "it does get better".. paying homage and respect to keith for his thread by showing how things do get better by using examples of what i've recently went through....

i'm very proud of this one too and i hope that this one becomes truly inspiring for everyone out there!!!!

i'll put out the trigger warning just in case but i do have to say that this one is really upbeat and positive!!!

I can't imagine yet how I would ever be able to mingle with the female species. Thanks for sharing your hope with us.

The eyes thing I get as well, especially in short interactions with strangers.

I like the innocence part. The child within basically gets stunted. He only dies if you let him. If you don't let him die, he stays alive and kicking, willing to play games and whatnot!

part 9, i believe.... need help with this one guys, please.... need any feedback i can get. thanks...

trigger warning...

Ah yes, the phenomenon of that sense of purpose suddenly revealing itself within the stream of reality, the stream otherwise so neatly mapped and broken down into logical chains of causality. Personally I have wrestled with it through philosophy. I'm not sure whether I can help you, whether you're a book kind of person able to benefit from walls of text I could write on the subject.

All I will say, it's supposed to be confusing. Literary tradition is filled with all kinds of answers to that basic, important question you're asking yourself. Political battles are being fought over it, and death has been inflicted on human beings by human beings as a result of the inability to reconcile differences. People generally just don't seem to be able to enjoy this enigma as just one of the beautiful, mysterious mind games life has to offer.

Obi, even though your request for feedback is very clear and understandable, it is very hard to give you the feedback you want. I would have to know a whole lot more about you, aspects of your inner life that go even deeper than the main topic we're here to discuss. And that's.. pretty deep.

I believe, however, that mentally toying with the paradoxes of life will enrich you as a human being. So while I can't answer, I'm very glad you're asking!

Todd,

Your's is a hard question to answer. So many "what ifs." What if you and Moose had stayed a few minutes longer at the restuarant? What if your girlfriend hadn't stopped for a drink? The answers are obvious: you would have incurred injury and possibly death.

Whether you consider it luck or providence, you escaped the disaster in Joplin, and all of you lived to see another day. Now you know more than most of us how precious life is.

Take care,

Rusty

thanks guys....

it's been a sobering process, that's for sure....

they say that in times like these, where there is great tragedy, that you'll see the best in people come out and you'll also see the worst in people come out...

i've seen/heard both... i've heard tales of people coming from many states away just to loot/take advantage of people... shocking what you hear on the local news of people being arrested for things of this nature....

buuuuuut, i've also seen/heard tales of true heroism and compassion... makes me believe that there is still good in a lot of people...

i can remember my teens, and early 20's, where i was going through an extreme anger stage. not realizing it was an affect from the abuse. however, i was so angry and cold... didn't care if anyone, including myself, lived or died....

grant it, i've long since been out of that phase of anger but there is still that issue of trust of other people... after what happened in joplin, and the community spirit of coming together to help one another, i've come to realize that there truly is hope... that, while my faith in people isn't fully there yet, it's taken a huge step forward... and for me has helped me to take steps forward in my own recovery of trust....

interesting how an event with so much tragedy can bring out so much positive results... hmmmm... perhaps i need to ponder on this so more....

Having lived through Katrina and the aftermath, I've had the opportunity to see the goodness in people from all around the nation bringing their sense of community and brotherhood. It's amazing to witness and fills you with a little hope that there's still some good folks out there and maybe this world ain't such a bad place after all.

OH YEAH?????

ROTFL!!!!!!!!

GREAT REPLY ROBBIE!!!!! LOVED IT!!!!!


oh, btw, the rubberband war is SOOOOOOO on! LOL

Hi, my fraternal brothers,

Robbie, it's great to see you smiling & coming out in healing.

You sure deserve some peace & serenity.

Take care, my fraternal brother, Robbie & heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand. and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

part #10... titled triumph over tragedy.... any questions regarding this particular video i ask be sent to me in a private message.. thanks...

trigger warning...

OH ROBBIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Things are gettin mighty slow in Surf City and Kansas.

#11 comfortable state of depression...

trigger warning...

#12 breaks....

yes, 2 vids in one day... guess i had a lot on my mind... anyway, trigger warning again!

Something I noticed as well. The general guideline is to step out of the depression cycle. Obviously. Yet how exactly this has to be done has to rely heavily on individual factors. It's like making art. It's doing something very similar to what others have done, yet you're only creating something of value if you have poured your soul into it; if you have managed to hook your subconsciousness to the problem solving process, so that you feel as if it has grown from within your very core. Then and only then it's art. There are no guarantees that it will work, yet some people seem to be able to pull it off. They come up with that unique set of rules that happen to work for them.

And that brings me to the second vid. The kind of thinking that's best for producing the right rules is the kind of thinking that comes from a relaxed, balanced mind. That's why breaks are necessary. Forcing yourself too much will kill your bird's eye view, messes with your ability to prioritize, and make your chances for effective recovery drop. Yet some force is necessary in order to prevent stagnation, another dead end. So it's basically constantly tightrope walking between taking too few and too many breaks. The former can put the mind in a state of neurosis, the latter can put the mind in depressed complacency.

It all comes down to that we're kinda forced to become brilliant artists. Scary thought, isn't it?

I hope that made sense. See you next vid!

made sense to me. thanks for the feedback.

trigger warning.....

loss of innocence & control?

I've been practicing making youtube videos. One day you're going to hear the things I wanna say right from my ugly face.

But yeah, those are very interesting thoughts. I have always had trouble with the phrase "losing my innocence". I mean, do I have to be guilty now, somehow? It had always been my understanding that it's criminals who should be guilty, and feel guilt, and stop qualifying for "innocence". Do I deserve to be grouped in with criminals just because I got raped? I don't think so. At the very least you could say that the English language isn't promoting healing there. They should really call it something else.

Aaaand.. power. I'm hesitant to talk about a raped child as having somehow more power than he or she appears to have had. I know that's what abusers tell each other. That although they control the sex thing, the child controls whether they end up in jail or not. Which only makes sense if you completely ignore the psychological level of control the abuser has over the child.

But I recognize the thoughts you're having and I've had them plenty of times myself, sometimes accompanied with mad laughter.. I'm not sure whether it's true that we eventually become somehow empowered by our rotten experiences, but I'm sure trying to make it true!

And yes, I believe I'm capable of manslaughter. Not the innocent, but give me genuine evil and a perfect opportunity and... But of course the tricky part is that evilness is hard to measure in practice, and no opportunity to strike is completely perfect. In reality they'd have to directly oppose me to make me want to consider the risk. Otherwise I'll coexist peacefully, even with people who score high on evilness.

i've been seriously thinking of ending the vlog series...

been doing this for several months now... not sure on which way to go, if it is even helping....

idk... been feeling really lost lately....

thanks to anyone who has replied... it's appreciated...

I think that we, as survivors, are more prone than non-survivors to react to positive feedback by feeling that somehow we become obligated. It's the result of a very typical way of how many of us have been psychologically manipulated as children. We had to make them happy, you know? And that pattern tends to spread, like a disease, infecting all kinds of parts of our life.

A lesson I value enormously is that some things just have to grow out of themselves. Making vlogs is an excellent example, I think. It's about expressing yourself and your thoughts. If someone happens to like the end result, well that's great, but that doesn't have to be the prime focus. In fact, oftentimes the result is better when pleasing others is not the prime focus! Personal expression is funny like that.

There's really no need to commit to making videos regularly, nor to commit to a definite halt. Just make vlogs whenever you feel like, Obi. If you happen to have little inspiration, that's perfectly OK, those phases are part of the journey too. And if you do happen to have inspiration, we'll be here to enjoy the end result. It's that simple.

just got back from a trip to disney world. here are my thoughts on how it affected me...

Glad to hear you had a good time Todd. We all need indulge are selves from time to time even if it means eating ramon noodles for a couple of weeks.

I love hearing about you and grumpy. I enjoy hearing what sort of characters people relate to.

here is the link to my newest video. for some reason i can't get it to post a thumbnail. anyway, i'm sharing my pain in this one...



TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


[video:youtube]http://youtu.be/vFQd1ofCowM[/video]

My fraternal brothers,

Todd (obi) & I have talked about this issue off and on for the past 9 months.

But, i'm of no practical help for him on this issue about female relationships.
Sounds rather odd isn't it? Here is a gay boy/man. A boy of 8 yrs old who always wished that his "mom" was dead.

A boy who never had an emotional/mental connection to girls
or women. How could he? He hated all women, never having anything to do with them. With the exception of a very few in his youth. Still never ever bonding with them.

A gay boy/man who always knew that he was never ever meant to have been married.

But, he did have an affair with the married woman that he got pregnant. He eventually married her. She gave him 100% of herself.
I gave her nothing in return. I just didn't know how.

So how does a gay boy/man who gets married, has kids & grand kids in an emotional, mental bond with them? But gets into an emotionless marriage?

Then here is an individual who has feelings for females. But just can't seem to be able to overcome his issues described in his video.
A decent person, a kind person, a person who sees his siblings in marriages and having children. And a strong desire to have that kind of life too.

How do these things happen? I can feel his pain. But i cannot help him in any way, with the exception of offering him my....
Compassion, understanding & hope.

I hope this makes sense.

Wishing you well in healing & life, my brother, obi.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Pete..Irishmoose.