Newest Members
Xr2, clt, Lumpy, squeekinby, rhyoung
12371 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
drivejoepublic (44), eagle299 (43), H18 (21), JJJ (43), mariposaman (63), SevenTwoTwo76 (39), TexAgMan (37), waiter (44), wgwarch (55)
Who's Online
3 registered (traveler, OCN, 1 invisible), 32 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12371 Members
74 Forums
63591 Topics
444241 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#359984 - 04/17/11 10:17 AM Hangover
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Yesterday, I was having an email conversation with a woman that lived in Christian community with me thirty five years ago. I was telling her about the rock wall I was tearing apart and rebuilding. She wrote back, in humor, reminding me about a time, years ago, when she was awaken by a strange nighttime noise. It was about 1:00 am and she just couldn’t make sense of what she was hearing so she got up and went out to the community’s front porch. There, under the cover of darkness I was digging a rather large dead tree out of the earth. She watched, never saying a thing to me or alerting me to her presence. She was wondering “why” I was out there in the middle of the night vigorously ripping a tree from the ground with no awareness of what time it was or who might be around.

I remember that night like it was yesterday. It was in November and my fifth anniversary of the rape. No, one in the community knew, if they’d had they would have loved me even more but at the time I could not see through the haze of shame and guilt. So in my own prison - I dug. Each dig of the shovel releasing years of pent up anger. A rage I did not know what to do with so I dug trying to use this growing self-hate to do something productive rather than destructive which was a good thing but not without its downsides. I was able to avoid dealing with the underlying issues because though my actions, not unlike drinking or cutting, were a cry for help it was seen as a guy with lots of “get up and go”. To this day, when I’m fighting inner demons I still “dig”, which is what I was going with the wall reconstruction. Friends and family will see the final result and compliment me on the work, of which I’m grateful for their admiration. What they don’t know is that ever rock stacked is a result of a hangover. A silent cry for help and understanding.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#359986 - 04/17/11 10:36 AM Re: Hangover [Re: earlybird]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Did you share the reason for your nocturnal labor all those years ago?

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

Top
#359987 - 04/17/11 10:42 AM Re: Hangover [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
EFM,

Good question. Yes, I did. She was mournful that she did not handle the late night event differently. Deb was sadden that she had ‘assumed’ I was just been “Earlybird” the man who dug A LOT! She and I have agreed to talk more, in many ways that is all I need – to talk more. (I’m getting too old to dig)

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#359993 - 04/17/11 12:02 PM Re: Hangover [Re: earlybird]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Earl, this touches me, your sharing and led me to this discovery...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=359991&#Post359991

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#359997 - 04/17/11 12:14 PM Re: Hangover [Re: SamV]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
We've got lots to talk about, don't we? Interesting I was responding to your post as you were posting to mine. Brothers with companion hearts. Let's 'chat'. (inside joke between sam and me)



Edited by earlybird (04/17/11 12:15 PM)
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#360109 - 04/18/11 03:34 PM Re: Hangover [Re: earlybird]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Hi Earl,

It is good to see you sharing more of yourself with us on here, Earl. You paint some very vivid pictures with words... it is the sort of thing I like to do, too. In a lot of ways I am proud of you. I haven't gotten to a 5 year anniversary, but it seems to me that living in such a community of other people--a community that requires mutural trust and self-sacrifice--is the sort of thing that a lot of survivors wouldn't be able to handle, so you must have had a lot of strength. My household has a sort of community life of its own, and I find it to be somewhat taxing... when the traumatic memories come, I want to be alone.

On one hand, digging that hole is a rather productive coping mechanism. Taking your anger and pain out on that tree is better than taking it out on your own flesh and soul, or on those you love. However, it also sounds like the people around you never knew you before the rape, so when they saw you engaging in behaviors like that, all they could think was, "Oh, that's Earl for you," rather than, "Why has Earl changed?" So your pain was released in a way... but those community members never knew. I am proud of you for giving your friend an epilogue for that story of nighttime vigilance and digging. It breaks my heart to hear that your Christian community would have given you love and support if you told them that you were raped, but maybe your old friend can show you that it is never too late.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#360126 - 04/18/11 08:47 PM Re: Hangover [Re: CruxFidelis]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Pete,

The Christian commune I belonged to was formed to take teen children off the streets. Often these children were runaways and products of child sexual assault and street rape. At that time I was young, idealistic and full of desire to “save” the world, when in fact I was only using their abuse to avoid dealing with my own. If I could fix them then I’d be fixed! It didn’t work. The one thing that I had going for me is that the kids bonded to me quickly and easily. I think is some form they knew I knew how badly this stuff hurt.

My friend who now lives only at the edges of her faith is proving to be an amazing ally on this illusive road called recovery. Her response and acceptance gives me hope that I can one day speak openly, shamelessly about this. For now I hide behind an avatar called Earlybird and poetry. Both a great disguise. Earlbird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#360132 - 04/18/11 10:15 PM Re: Hangover [Re: earlybird]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Hi Earl,

I don't see poetry as much of a disguise... more like a porthole to the depths of our souls. It's the truth we carry inside ourselves, in different packaging. I can see how that different packaging might function as a disguise in your life, but our writing, just like anything else we create, is an extension of who we are.

as far as the commune goes, it sounds like you were blessed with a zealous heart and mind... but perhaps you were misguided as to where to direct that zeal. You can't pick up your wounded brother in battle when you are unable to pick yourself up. I am sure you made a difference in many of those kids' lives, despite the fact that you were hurting. Had you met your wife at this point? Was this the Mennonite community you told me about before? You tell such wonderful stories.

Peter

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
#360135 - 04/18/11 10:58 PM Re: Hangover [Re: CruxFidelis]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
We were in about our second year of marriage when we sold everything and moved into community life. We lived and work doing this for about ten years before moving cross country and living in a Hutterian Community in New Meadow Run Penn. A year or so later joining the Mennonite Volentary Service and being placed on the Hopi Reservation in a village called Bacavi on the Third Mesa Az. It was there that I discovered I was healthest living apart from others. There my faith began its change, some would call it slip I prefer change. But that is for another story and another thread. Thanks for asking and caring my brother in recovery. Earlybird



Edited by earlybird (04/18/11 10:59 PM)
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#360138 - 04/18/11 11:23 PM Re: Hangover [Re: earlybird]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Hi Earl,

so you must have gotten married very soon after the rape, then? and she didn't know until decades later? It sounds like she is a sweet soul who has brought you a lot of comfort over the years, and it is really encouraging for me to hear about the love you two have for each other. My wife and I have gone through a lot of changes too... except ours was from unbelief to belief.

I just looked up Hutterites on Wikipedia. Farming, one room schoolhouses, girls and women with head scarves. Were you allowed to listen to rock music? Could I bring my electric guitar? how soon into your marriage did you two have children? Did the community all speak German as well as English? Sounds like some plain & simple living... sometimes I wish I could live in an area that wasn't so urban, fast paced & gratification driven. I kind of envy a lot of you guys who are out there in nature.

it is amazing to be talking to people from so many walks of life... so many varied stories.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.