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#359991 - 04/17/11 12:00 PM No family...triggers
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
In being incestuously abused by an older sibling, I lost the support and respect of my siblings. We were all abused by our oldest sister, so when I felt like she favored my younger brother, I became insanely jealous, enraged and provoked at the slightest rejection. What do children do to the child that is acting out? They make fun of him, and call him names, and that is what you did to me. I had no one, for 40 years, because of your cruelty, but how could you have known?

Well how do parents react to an acting out child whom embarrasses them? They beat him, of course. Angry words, angry eyes, angry grabs and lunges, slaps and hits. This was a long time ago, even though the sign of "help me" were there, they thought they were "handling it".

Well Mom and Dad, you beat a child that was being rejected by his brothers and sisters, and sexually abused by his older sister. The ultimate rejection and abandonment was when I was maybe 16, and you threw me out of the house, thanks.

My next oldest sister tried to tell you, and you beat her. I tried to hide it, and could not keep it in, and you beat me. N_ was my next oldest sister, she and I were rejected while the "other two" were beautiful and charismatic, the youngest and the oldest. N_ died in a car accident, drunk and driving, at 18. I feel at times she was so lucky. The hurt, pain, abandonment and destruction I felt growing up without a family is tremendous.

No, I do not want you to call me, and I don't need you to try and make this better. Mom, you did your best, but I don't want to talk to you about this, because I am trying not to hate you. You had the intelligence, but not the wisdom to connect the issues. You were my counselor, my instructor, so cerebral, why couldn't you see what I see now? Dad, you were doing your best too, and you are just too small to understand why it did not work, I have compassion and empathy for you.

You did not know, how could you have guessed..?

When I would present with emotional over activity, I was living with the abusers, so I would be angry or frustrated with them. That dynamic created a rebellion persona. When I was emotionally overwhelmed, I would look for ways to express that in paranoia WITHIN my family of creation, my kids, my wife, myself. They are innocent, and so am I, so THAT created shame and guilt, sigh...

I am allowing the abuser(s) to continue to "rent space" in my head and life when I allow myself to get to the point of emotional outburst and creating chaos in my life to contentiously continue my struggle with my family of origin.

My family of creation triggers me, and everything else I have no confidence in, but I am rebuilding me to perceive that if I do not emotionally crash, I can make good decisions and be supportive, stable and consistent. What others do around me does not need to trigger me, and if it does, I do not need to over react. I need to relax and commend myself, support me.

Me


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#359995 - 04/17/11 12:08 PM Re: No family...triggers [Re: SamV]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
And don't forget - allow us to support you as well. Right? We are close and we are here - here for you and each other. Our stories may vary and family dynamics may differ but we are united in this journy. Earlybird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#359996 - 04/17/11 12:12 PM Re: No family...triggers [Re: earlybird]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
*snif...

I am just in so much pain right now, although this has not been an issue for 25 years, it has been played out for all those years until today. It stops today, and I am speaking to my brothers, and sisters, here in MS, I want to process this, and leave them to their own recovery, should they feel they need it or not.

Thank you Earl

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#360000 - 04/17/11 12:27 PM Re: No family...triggers [Re: SamV]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
I'm not sure I understand? I read this in two different ways and can't make up my mind which direction to go. Worse yet, they are opposing understanding with reverse responses needed.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#360001 - 04/17/11 12:28 PM Re: No family...triggers [Re: earlybird]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Go ahead, Earl, we'll sort it out,

Every thought is appreciated. No one knows what is going on inside my head, least of all me.

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#360006 - 04/17/11 01:29 PM Re: No family...triggers [Re: SamV]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
Sam...what a sorted array of circumstances & emotion...what has caused the veil to come down...floodgates to open? It is good to know your realness is so much the same as mine. I guess that is selfish of me but true all the same....the connection is felt, especially the comment on not comprehending all that is happening within the mind. But something is different for you....I know you, your heart which you pour out so unselfishly has created a foundation, a rock for so many to push upon, realize it also gives you the solidarity to visit these dark places....I envision you having the condfidence to know that when the work is done you will return to your calling of the faithful father, good friend & loyal soul. That is who you are, but the need arises to make these decents, to deal with what you could not until now....to process what you had no choice in, yet like a Tsunami the wreckage & debris will have to be dealt with before the rebuliding can continue. What is so impressive is your ability to feel so deeply the devastation and still recapture the determniation to push ahead, even carrying others with you. Take some time & feel, know the pain...it can be the door to healing....it is our connection and one day the pain will only be our history & not our future.
With Affection From Your Brother,
Ivan



Edited by itrahan (04/17/11 01:31 PM)

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#360011 - 04/17/11 04:23 PM Re: No family...triggers [Re: itrahan]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I have learned the value of sitting with the trigger and the abuse controls until I feel them, then I can extract those negative, self loathing feelings, and feel the love and joy of the brothers here in MS, the local support and inside me, I put that and a proper perspective where the abuse was, and I feel the weight lift off my heart.

I usually sleep for a couple hours after each event, so take my post number and multiply by two, and you'll have the amount of time I have slept off the abuse.

Should I exercise and take medication? Uh huh, but I really like sleeping, and there are not side effects, and no pain either, lol.

You are a true brother, Ivan, thank you for accepting me,
Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#360012 - 04/17/11 04:34 PM Re: No family...triggers [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
You know, in rereading that post, I HAD a group of people surrounding me, and I was fed, clothed and sheltered, but all I felt from them was abuse, fear and negative emotions.

I had a family, and I learned from them that I was not accepted, I was not normal, I was not valued.

I am sure I had some good times, but with everyone of them came the disclaimer of "This boy is damaged, worthless, annoying, needy, and awkward." With this kind of hold on me, a joyful event like eating ice cream could be a depressing.

With this processed, I can begin to look at the good times in my past, and embrace them without the segregation and disparaging attitudes I "remember". I will remember the play, and the friends, and the cold and the green grass and the smell of Daisy our mutt dog, and the rug burns from sliding down the carpeted stairs, yeah, *smiles with satisfaction, I was good at play.., I AM good at play.

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#360017 - 04/17/11 05:36 PM Re: No family...triggers [Re: SamV]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
((((SAM))))

For the Good Times!

Ivan


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#360066 - 04/18/11 03:57 AM Re: No family...triggers [Re: itrahan]
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 142
Loc: England (at the moment)
((((SAM))))

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Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.

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