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#35994 - 04/07/05 11:45 PM *TRIGGERS* Finally faced it, finally came home to myself, finally free.
survive75 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
*TRIGGERS*

It happened. Everything that I imagined it would be. Triggering, horrible, painful... but I am liberated. A series of events - major events - led me to no longer be able to keep what happened to me and what I always feared and what I could never face and the lessons I learned about myself hidden anymore.

I faced it. I remembered it. Everything that I had been trying to push away and keep secret since I was a little kid. It took everything out of me, but was completely and totally worth it. It took an alcohol-induced sexual encounter with a guy, my sexuality being scrutinized by friends openly, losing a friendship, cold words from another friend, a suicide attempt, and finally a hypnotherapy session to end all hypno sessions to make this happen. But it happened... I finally faced it and am finally free.

I never believed people who had experienced this. I always thought "they must be lying." But this has been a profound and very real shift within me and there have been unexpected changes as well like my fear of spiders virtually disappeared overnight.

For the first time in my life, I said the words "I actually want to live." My best friend looked at me and said, "I've never heard you say that... ever."

But perhaps the most profound thing... the reason I originally sought out this site... my reliance on violent male fantasy in order to get off sexually... guys, for the first time in over ten years, I was able to masturbate without using them and while staying in my body. I have NEVER wanted to be in my body in any sexual experience... but it actually happened.

I really can't believe that I'm reporting this to all of you. I guess... in being blunt, I hope that someone else can read this and know that there is hope. I always felt like the hopeless case... perpetually suicidal, perpetually stuck in the place of not knowing what happened to me, perpetually afraid of what happened. But now... god, if I can do it... anyone can.

And I guess I just wanted to express my gratitude for this place. It is truly the only place I could admit to all this shit and never feel judged. Thank you all so much... my gratitude is more than I could ever express. Thank you.

I can't believe I get to post this...
I'm fine. I'm free.

_________________________
-Sean

"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

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#35995 - 04/08/05 03:38 AM Re: *TRIGGERS* Finally faced it, finally came home to myself, finally free.
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
Sean,
I am happy for you! That was a huge obstacle you got over!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Congrats, and here's to moving on to a better, healthier tomorrow!

Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#35996 - 04/08/05 04:13 PM Re: *TRIGGERS* Finally faced it, finally came home to myself, finally free.
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
Sean,

Wow, a very moving post. I am happy that your burden has been so greatly reduced. Thanks for sharing the story of your breakthrough. I think everyone can take a measure of hope from what you've shared.


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#35997 - 04/08/05 04:37 PM Re: *TRIGGERS* Finally faced it, finally came home to myself, finally free.
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
congrats, but brace yourself, because it has a way of cycling back on you. i remember when i had like this major breakthrough that sounds very much like yours. now that you've had it, realize that there is more coming, more in terms of now that i see things as they are, and accept myself, how do i work that into my daily life? how do i live and the new me? that is what i am struggling with now. it is a huge step to finally love yourself as you are, though.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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