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#359911 - 04/16/11 06:44 PM Re: memory and reliability (might be triggering) [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Big lies about me and the real truth behind them

I am not a bad man. I am a good man who is human.
I am not a perpetrator, but I have the potential to perpetrate, as we all do.
I am not a powerless man. I am a powerful man whose actions and inactions have consequences.
I am not an irresponsible man. I am responsible for what happens in my house. My parents were responsible for what happened in their house (I WAS THE CHILD, THEY WERE THE PARENTS), but they deny their responsibility and use blame.
I am not always a healthy man, but I trust my inner wisdom. It leads me to health.
I am not a liar. I have lied, but I am most often an honest man.
I am not insane. I know myself, and am able to perceive things around me with clarity.
I am not vindictive. Although I am angry as hell for what happened, I choose to sit in the anger and find purpose and compassion.
I am not a pedophile. I enjoy sex with adult men.
I am not sexually healthy. I fantasize about being raped and I choose / am drawn to men who use and abandon me. This is gradually changing as I inquire into what LOVE truly is.
I am not a loner anymore. I have a lot of insight into people and am funny and charismatic. Being in teams and groups is very healing for me.
I am not a disgusting man. I am a child of God and a beautiful man who wants to do good for myself and others.
I am not a selfish man. I do take care of myself. I have a big heart.
I have been lied to a lot. My heart knows it.

I hope some of my truth has found resonance in you.


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#359913 - 04/16/11 06:49 PM Re: memory and reliability (might be triggering) [Re: risingagain]
well-intended Offline


Registered: 04/15/11
Posts: 124
Loc: Belgium
No, I don't think I am a born perpetrator. But I'm glad I based this conclusion on study and careful consideration, not purely on emotional consideration. I don't trust my emotions.

Don't get me wrong: if you have based the conclusion on looking closely within yourself, then I have nothing but envy for you. You have reached the same conclusion as I have, but in a seemingly far less time consuming manner. smile

To each his own, I guess.


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#359915 - 04/16/11 06:51 PM Re: memory and reliability (might be triggering) [Re: risingagain]
well-intended Offline


Registered: 04/15/11
Posts: 124
Loc: Belgium
They're excellent guards, aren't they?


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#359919 - 04/16/11 06:55 PM Re: memory and reliability (might be triggering) [Re: well-intended]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
I feel envious when I see something in myself that I haven't owned. I have it too, I just haven't owned it yet.

It's not helpful for me to envy another. It's a sign post that tells me what I need to do.

smile

You are a courageous person, I can tell by the way you write.

Emotions are an INCREDIBLE guide. Doesn't mean they are all healthy to act on, but to OBSERVE, priceless!

Have you read Molecules of Emotion by Candace Pert? From a scientific point of view, it's awesome. She's a famous neuroscientist who discovered the receptors for Endorphin while studying opiates.

Anyway, I recommend that book if you are doubting the value and the truth-telling of your emotions. Did you know that even animals without brains have emotions? Some single-celled organisms have receptors for neuropeptides which are chemicals that carry emotion.

So from an evolutionary point of view, emotions appear to be ESSENTIAL to our survival.

Ignore 'em at your peril bro!!!!!!!!!!!

:P

Have fun stay well keep diving in.


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#359920 - 04/16/11 06:56 PM Re: memory and reliability (might be triggering) [Re: risingagain]
well-intended Offline


Registered: 04/15/11
Posts: 124
Loc: Belgium
Yes, it has. Except for the sex and love bits. And I guess I'm still a loner.


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#359921 - 04/16/11 06:58 PM Re: memory and reliability (might be triggering) [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Sorry

the first line should read

"I feel envious when I see something in a person and I haven't owned that for myself."


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#359922 - 04/16/11 06:58 PM Re: memory and reliability (might be triggering) [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Well-Intended, do you want to go on the chat? You sound like a fascinating person that I would like to get to know.


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#359925 - 04/16/11 07:11 PM Re: memory and reliability (might be triggering) [Re: risingagain]
well-intended Offline


Registered: 04/15/11
Posts: 124
Loc: Belgium
That's very flattering, and I appreciate it very much.

But I'm not in a very good place right now, and I'm enjoying the fact I can hide this behind non-real time behavior. I've been hurt fairly recently in a major way (I might post about it later), and I'm not ready to open up again to other people. Not at all. Courageous as I might appear sometimes, I gonna opt for weaseling out on this one. I hope you understand. No, I'm sure you understand.


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#359926 - 04/16/11 07:12 PM Re: memory and reliability (might be triggering) [Re: well-intended]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
I'm not flattering you I'm being honest man.

I understand! I isolate sometimes too.

Take care brother. Feel free to PM me anytime.


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#359947 - 04/17/11 12:10 AM Re: memory and reliability (might be triggering) [Re: well-intended]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
False memory syndrome = post recall denial.

There is no question as to the realness of memories. At first it was felling the felling of being held down. These evolved as others have already described in great detail, only its my story. I knew that that the initial memories where not full.

When the real memories came through, I realized that the rest where the nightmares my I had as a child as a result of what had happened. I still remember the night mares of the “school lunch box full of Polaroid’s.” Even as an adult I had these night mares. Most importantly I had no idea why a school lunch box full of pictures should frighten me, I do now. In the end the full memories came through, there can be no question in mind as to the actuality of what happened. There were false memories (night mares) laid over the top of real memories, and the false memories I always knew to be “false.” The false memories changed over time. I was very carful not to try to put events together. Eventually they came together.

I think false memory syndrome is when the mind re-buries real memories. Its weird as an adult I had memories that led me to believe my friend had been abused but didn’t remember that I was also abused. I remember remembering for a philologist once, because she brought it to the surface. Then forgetting again because again it was too traumatic. Some time latter I assaulted a pedophile and they came back over time. AT times there where gaps, the most tramatic cam back last. They are now complete and mesh very well. I am fairly sure I am through them all, even the part I may have been better off without. I am only missing one thing, the name of the girl who was also involved.

I remember at one point trying to consciously suppress them, that is trying to forget, because I could not deal with it. It worked to some extent, however I learned it is import to work thought them no matter how traumatic they are because, the “forgetting” comes with symptoms that are worse than the “remembering.” What was once amnesic can be amnesic again. In other words, False memory syndrome = post recall denial.

Originally Posted By: well-intended
My mind presented me the illusion that sex with children could be an OK thing.


Do not forget -- in your case the symptoms are your pedophilia. – Do not forget, it is more important than you realize that you work through your abuse, as it very likely what made you a pedophile, and working through it is “part” of your cure.

_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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