I live in the Pacific Northwest on a basalt cliff overseeing the Columbia River where there is little top soil but plenty of wonderfully shaped, burnt colored rocks. Over the years I’ve relocated these rocks of varying shapes and sizes creating several hundred feet of rock walls.

This weekend I plan to do what, from time to time, I find I must. Tear down some of the existing stone structures and reshape them. Not unlike what I need to do with my own foundation when I see or feel it sagging or disintegrating. As I begin, I pick up each rock and examine them, typically creating three separate and distinct piles of sorted rock. There are those that are solid, shaped with a distinct character that I believe will lend to a solid foundation. Then there is the smaller pile - rocks separated for their lovely shape, color and lava heated then rapidly cooled designs. Some bubbled creations are beyond de>

You have come a long way brother, when you can sense the need to reshape and rebuild ...just know this bro...I'm good with a sledgehammer if you need help smashing and rebuilding

earlybird, I am in awe of your depth of emotion & understanding, which seems to be burdensome to you at times. I envy you, after reading some of your posts & poetry I feel as though my soul is cold & isolated...unwilling to yield & explore it's depths....hidden from it's purpose. I met you at Sequoia 2010 and still have regrets of me not being in the "place" or taking the time to get to know you. You & your wife have settled in seemingly the best enviroment for you to continue your soul searching & sharing....Thanks for opening up to all of us so many precious & delicate detials of who you are.
Appreciate You,

Ivan

You have drawn a wonderful and explicit illustration of the work of a survivor. We have to remove some layers to get ot the underlying cause. Just like with emotions - at the base of so much anger is depression.

As you work on the walls do you mentally tackle some of your own inner issues? As you restructure do certain thoughts enter your heart and mind? While your hands and eyes seek out what you need to know from each stone? Just wondering if the two overlap and the first one spurs on things with the second.


Daryl

Husbanding
the pillars of the earth
to order,
is the architect's vision
to stability,
the engineer's labor
but beauty and meaning
are wrung from the poet's heart
a crucible of philosopher-artist
Born twice in fire.

Creation is a key
that we turn
in the lock of our hearts
a promise to ourselves
kept
Order from chaos
Beauty from decay
Meaning from despair
Ease from pain

Monument and meditation
Writ in cooled stone
Raptors see
Earth knit by hand
But Seekers feel
new portals
through the basalt mandala
Beckoning...

-efm

Thanks Darkheart, Ivan, Prisoner ID, and EverFixMark

For your continued support.

Darkheart, sludge hammers might be a little two aggressive but knowing your hands and heart will be working alongside mine is energizing.

Ivan, it is a shame we were unable to bond at WoR. What an experience, my first time looking at someone eye to eye who “got it”. WoR was an invaluable moment in time, one I’d recommend to everyone though I’ll never attend again. You talk of feeling cold inside yet your words were incredible warm and filled with depth of emotion. I’ve had others tell me this, try to see what we see. Your words filled my heart and surrounded core. No one with a “cold soul” could bring such a feeling of concern and love; especially to someone they don’t even know. (By the way your statement about my “depth of emotion and understanding “ being burdensome” was a cold splash and has been swirling around and in me all morning. Thanks for the insight)

Prisoner,

No one here knows me better than you. We’ve walked along side and separately at times as we’ve worked on our issues. You are dear to me and have shown me a love rarely seen between men, especially men who are so different from each other. Your ponderings as to “do the two overlap” and the answer is absolutely. One triggers the other. The rock wall I’m in the process of tearing down was one of my first to build. As I’m tearing it apart I’m questioning “Why did I place that rock there. What an idiot no wonder it needs redoing. WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!” Tell me I haven’t said that to myself a thousand times when it comes to how I tried to repair the damage done by the SA. So yep, it relates every stone, the artistic ones, sturdy ones, or - what I use to refer to as the throw away ones. Now I’ve learned each stone, large, pretty, or broken has a purpose in my wall and my life if only I’ll take a moment to discover what that purpose is.

My God EFM

The poem is amazing and has reduced me to tears. Good ones for the most part but embarrassing all the same. :-) As with any poem it will take me a while to digest it to gain the full measure of its worth. Please give me time to work the out the rhythm and beat of the lines. Again something that we each must do with our own CSA or ASA caused issues.


The East wall is now torn down piled in what would appear to be a useless heap. Later this morning I’ll start on the south wall. But for now, with the sun rising, I’m sitting here looking at a jumble of stone remembering how often, when I begin to tear apart the sexual assault and its effects, I look at myself as I believe others look at me – it’s not unattractive. This is one of the major reasons I, in the past, have always chosen to take on this task of rape alone. My feeble attempts to do it differently, working with others here on MS, has been challenging and in many ways rewarding but not without a smashed finger and bruised shins, some mine, some others. Honestly I don’t mean to cause injury to my fellow survivors or their partners/wife’s and over the year I’ve learned how to better create and work with fellow builders. It’s time to get back to work.

Fine progress, Earl, fine work.

Comparing this work of remodeling, rebuilding and restructuring to SA recovery is a stroke of brilliance! (Hm, maybe another word than stroke for the scope of the work you are doing?)

May I just say, what good companions you have here, so ready to come to your aid. I am moved with compassion for their support.

*put his gloves on...

When reworking the rocks in wall, one needs to consider the existing placement, as you have, Earl, and as one can wonder about the original arrangement, one may consider the value of the original design.
In placing the rocks as you had, you may have noticed the season, the sun, the flora, the fauna, or the colors of the house, the deck or your emotional color. Those hints may have given you insight into how your right brain wanted to build the wall.
This is not to be taken lightly, Eeb's, rather, you may wish to find those impetuses and remind yourself that it was a good idea then, and congratulate you on a job well done.

In building the new wall, there may certainly be reasons for the change, but the change itself is not negative, nor is it meaningless. I think here too there is some congratulations in order.

Looking in a positive way at the making and remaking of ourselves over in our lives and surroundings is a challenge to better ourselves, and that's not a bad thing. Only make sure that your previous changes have their respect and adoration, you once thought the previous work was the limit of your creative abilities, perhaps, and those fortunate enough to enjoy your work first hand complimented on it, and enjoyed it with you. Nothing negative there, brother.

Remember to take water breaks and see the good progress of the labor you are undertaking in both of your endeavors today.

You may wish to reconsider the personal perspective as well, dear Earl, I have never seen you as unattractive, I cannot believe anyone would have that image in mind when it comes to you. I do believe when we are abused, we feel we MUST be unattractive or broken for someone to treat us that way, but then, we need to realize that that thinking allowed a criminal to overwhelm us and perpetrate abuse, attacking us. Throw-away those structurally insufficient "stone" like ideas.

Time to use new stones or make new stones from the good we have been taught in our maturing and recovery. Oh that I could sip a good merlot and enjoy your productive and aesthetically pleasing efforts, as I have enjoyed the rebuilding work i have seen in your thoughts here in MS.

Good health to you, in mind and heart, dear Earl,

Sam

When I read this inforation this post came to mind, reflecting Change and all it entails. I hope all find it appropriate.
According to John Murphy in his book, Think Change, the key to successful change is discipline and "reprogramming beliefs." A cautionary inner voice will tell you not to rock the boat, to stay on the path of least resistance, but your heart is telling you otherwise.

Listen to your heart. Filter out the old static and tune in something new. Challenge your assumptions, identify and study people already doing what you want to do. Read books and listen to tapes that will motivate you to break away from the notorious "comfort zone." Confront your fears. When one unsatisfying day just blurs into the next - your life is begging for a change.

Comfort zones put padlocks on the doors to growth, discovery, and adventure in your life, but three keys that will unlock those doors are discipline, hard work and faith. When it comes to progress, when it comes to change...Inch by inch, life's a cinch. Yard by yard, life is hard. Unlock one door at a time, enjoy small successes, and soon you will have achieved your goals.

Some key points to remember:

1.
No pain! No gain! There will be some setbacks.

2.
Fear is a human emotion. The absence of fear is not courage; it's brain damage.

3.
Give your fear a name and it becomes a problem. It's easier to solve problems than to conquer fear.

4.
With each obstacle you overcome, your confidence will grow. Every time you conquer any fear...no matter how small...you are better prepared for the next challenge.



Change can truly be a wonderful gift! It can recharge your emotional battery and nourish your soul. Just do it! Choose change and let it make a positive difference in your life.

Ivan

Again thanks to each of you and for your suggestions and thoughts. My East wall is complete and my back is as well. I may never move again. LoL

I always dry stack my stone walls. When asked why I tell people” because I like the look.” But deep down I know this is a cop out because I can accomplish the dry stack appearance by concreting at the back side of the wall leaving the front looking untouched. I thought a lot about why I dry stack as I was placing one rock upon another. In some ways I do the same thing with my recovery work. I don’t permanently cement the repairs into place. I’m beginning to think I don’t concrete my walls and life because I know I don’t have the competency to get it right. Therefor I need the fluency to redo the work as I grow and learn.

Earl....I sit pondering what would serve me better....having the competency to get it right, or the learned wisdom to achieve fluency in so many different areas. To each his own, but either is a winner.

Ivan