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#359115 - 04/09/11 10:41 AM When was the abuse, discovery, recovery? Triggers
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I am looking for commonalities in timelines of abuse, then discovery that is was in fact the sexual abuse causing the most trouble in life, and when recovery may have been sufficient enough to resume daily life more secure in ourselves and significantly less overwhelmed.

I also want to know if there were any external factors, parents, partners, or authorities that were involved and what their impact was in the timeline. For instance, if the father found out it was a coach who sexually abused, and he confronted the coach and told the school district and the authorities.

When did the abuse happen? For how long? When did discovery happen? When was the recovery set in sufficiently to resume a balanced healthy lifestyle, if it happened yet?

***Please do not answer this if it makes you uncomfortable, this data is not a comparison nor should it be viewed as a normal amount of time to recover. There are no wrong answers, I am asking for your perspective.

For me;
A)(Abuse)1974-1978, and circa 1984. I was 6 years old till I was about 10 the first time, the second, I was about 16. No disclosure at this time.
D)(Discovery)December 2009. I had always been aware of the abuse, but the discovery that is was as toxic and damaging to my present life happened much later. Disclosure to MS and some family members, for support only.
R)(Recovery)April 2011. I am hopeful about the future again, I search out other people to interact with, and am looking for gainful employment and have been balancing the disquieting thoughts for a few weeks now. The process of recovery, painful emotional overwhelming memories, strong emotional responses, dissociation... these are minimized and I now have expressions I can use to diffuse triggers and reason on current events.

Please share with me if you can, I look forward to your responses.

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#359122 - 04/09/11 12:33 PM Re: When was the abuse, discovery, recovery? Triggers [Re: SamV]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
Sam...I started typing and felt my responce fit better in the Members Form...
Thanks,
Ivan



Edited by itrahan (04/09/11 12:35 PM)

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#359123 - 04/09/11 12:48 PM Re: When was the abuse, discovery, recovery? Triggers [Re: itrahan]
Katarack21 Offline


Registered: 03/09/11
Posts: 25
1988-1991. From age five to eight. It was a chain...our uncle molested her, then she molested me. I haven't disclosed to anybody except my T, my ex-fiance, and here. Recovery is very much on-going.


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#359127 - 04/09/11 01:40 PM Re: When was the abuse, discovery, recovery? Triggers [Re: Katarack21]
Moortje Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/20/09
Posts: 104
Loc: Oregon
Great topic, Sam; this is an interesting way to allow people to list off the basics of their situations.

For me, the first instance of abuse took place from around 1993-1995, when I was 7-9 years old at the hands of my maternal grandfather. Despite knowing that he was a pedophile (he abused my mom's 3 brothers), my parents allowed him to move into our house and put him in the room next to mine. It became a morning routine. I didn't disclose at the time.

The second instance of abuse happened from around 1999-2002 when I was 13-16 at the hands of my cousin (3 years older than me). Over the years it progressed into increasing severity as well as physical abuse. Again, I told no one.

While I never forgot the latter instance of abuse, to myself I largely equivocated it's effects away. I had buried the memories of the earlier abuse, which came bubbling back in January 2009 (shortly before registering here) amid a period of great emotional stress in my life. Without telling my parents why, I began seeing a therapist in April 2009, and I immediately brought up the abuse there.

I disclosed to my parents and sister in the Fall of 2009. Their attitude has definitely been supportive in the sense that they believed me without question, though they aren't sure how they can help me (and neither am I, for that matter). My grandfather died in 2003, but my cousin is still living. My parents asked me if I would give them my 'permission' to confront him and let him know he is no longer a part of the family, as far as they are concerned. I've felt conflicted about it, as have they, so they've maintained a tenuous connection with that arm of the family. Still a bit of a gray area, since I haven't confronted my cousin myself, and don't ever see myself in a place of wanting to do so.

I guess I'm in recovery, though I can't say I've done much work on it, and as a result, it hasn't done much for me. I've connected with a few guys here and forged a couple of very deep friendships that I'm extremely grateful for, but I feel I've addressed very little about the abuse in these 2 years. I know I haven't really engaged with it. The therapist I was seeing was a terrible fit for me (she was into New Age-y stuff..not for me), and I stopped seeing her after a few months. Haven't been back to a therapist since, though I need to. The effects of the abuse have severely damaged my ability to be intimate in a lot of ways, something I struggle greatly with in my relationship with my boyfriend (who I've been with for just over a year). So here I sit, in limbo.

~Matty


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#359744 - 04/15/11 06:39 AM Re: When was the abuse, discovery, recovery? Triggers [Re: Moortje]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Thank you Ivan, Katarack and Matty, wonderful replies,

Matty, the confrontation is going to be a powerful step for you, have you read the disclosure and confrontation pages in the site? They are of immense support during this stage of recovery.

Keep healing,
Sam

I am still looking for more feedback, and getting an overview of each of our unique perspectives is self healing.

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#359787 - 04/15/11 02:54 PM Re: When was the abuse, discovery, recovery? Triggers [Re: SamV]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
For me my first encounter was at 8. I got paid a dime to touch him. Next was 13 but that guy didn't get too far because I got away from him.

At 14 I started experimenting with other boys my age. Nothing but acting out I suppose. Meanwhile, the relationship with my father, which was already marked with mental and physical abuse, began to rapidly begin to deteriorate. Now the stage is set for my all my abusers. I became an easy mark. The abusers could spot me a mile away.

At 15 I met at guy about 3 years older than me. He was the "groomer." Long story short, he asked me to sleep over at his house one night and we'd get drunk. When I was finally drunk enough, he made his move(I'm leaving out the details). I had to pretend the next morning that nothing had happened. The next year or so I became his bitch. Whenever he wanted a piece he'd call me for a sleep over. He no longer got me drunk. He stepped up the ante and we'd smoke a joint and then we were off to the races. The thing is I began to have feelings for him. An attachment. Then my family left the state (long story) and that was the end of that.

We ended up in St. Louis for a two week stay (looooong story about why we ended up in St. Louis). And that's when the school teacher stalked me in a park (I've written about him in a poem). He was about 30 and I was 16 - a twink. Just his type. But somehow he made me care for him. Something akin to love. The one thing that he said to me that shocked me was, he whispered in my ear as he was screwing me, "You like getting fucked. Don't you." It was rape but I still thought he loved me.

I also prostitued myself once just for the sheer hell of it. $10.00 for a BJ (I was still 16). That was acting out I suppose. Statutory rape at best but I didn't care anymore. I was beginning to think I was gay.

Within 3 months of these experiences I met a priest (I've already posted his story). His (according to the laws of my state because I was now 17) rape/sexual battery has cause me the most trauma. It's something I'm having a hard time getting past and I'm dealing heavily with with my psychiatrist.

So those are my experiences. Each one has left a scar in one way or another because they each made me feel like a piece of meat and I dispise and, yes hate, some of them, especially the priest.Though my psychiatrist thinks my PTSD goes back farther, I believe the priest put the icing on the cake.

So there they are in a nut shell. You asked. I told.

Rusty

_________________________
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q
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#359792 - 04/15/11 03:19 PM Re: When was the abuse, discovery, recovery? Triggers [Re: SamV]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
Originally Posted By: sasuva
I am looking for commonalities in timelines of abuse,

8 years old, a dozen incidents each escalating in severity.
Originally Posted By: sasuva
then discovery that is was in fact the sexual abuse causing the most trouble in life,

I have suffered from panic attacks and other side effects my entire life. At 34 years of age I assaulted a pedophile, this was followed by panic attacks converting into flash backs, and I disclosed within a few weeks to my parents.
Originally Posted By: sasuva
when recovery may have been sufficient enough to resume daily life more secure in ourselves and significantly less overwhelmed.

That was 18 months ago, I am still worse off than I was when the memories where amnesic.
Originally Posted By: sasuva
I also want to know if there were any external factors, parents, partners, or authorities that were involved and what their impact was in the timeline.

I told my mom, but could not have told the whole story I had no words to describe, and did not understand. She thought I was lying. This gave the pedophile time to blackmail me into silence.

_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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#359797 - 04/15/11 03:46 PM Re: When was the abuse, discovery, recovery? Triggers [Re: Napoleon]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Rusty, Napoleon, powerful shares, I am deeply grateful.

Rusty, keep recovering, children imitate, and a perp is a perp until they face the consequences and recover. Meanwhile, you are defining who you are, and you are powerful! Thank you.

Napoleon, amazing share, thank you for your gift of trust and reaching out for hope and support. The different reactions to abuse is on them, their wicked ways on their heads. You did the right thing in standing up for yourself. Keep planning recovery and a way from under the control. Keep self affirming, be assertive and safe.

I had to get away from the situation I was in 30 years later, 900 miles away, and it gave me a perspective that led to recovery and peace, I hope the same for you soon.

Thank you for your sharing, fellow survivors.
Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#359800 - 04/15/11 04:42 PM Re: When was the abuse, discovery, recovery? Triggers [Re: SamV]
Hopefulone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/11
Posts: 117
Loc: Ontario
When did the abuse happen? 1977 when I was 11.

For how long? One time rape

When did discovery happen? I was always aware. Always living it.

When was the recovery set in sufficiently to resume a balanced healthy lifestyle, if it happened yet?

I'm not recovered. I just told about it about 2 months ago now...maybe three. It's a really blurry time-line. I have a good day and two bad ones.

I also want to know if there were any external factors, parents, partners, or authorities that were involved and what their impact was in the timeline. For instance, if the father found out it was a coach who sexually abused, and he confronted the coach and told the school district and the authorities.

I was too afraid to tell on my rapist while he was alive. He told me he would kill me. When he died, I was 17-18...again, the time-line is a blur. I told my mom the night I found out he was dead...I also told a suicide hotline. My mother told me I was fine, that nothing happened and she told me to go to bed. She never spoke of it again...and so neither did I. That was the last time I spoke of it until 2 or 3 months ago. I resent those years between 18-44...I could have been healed. I could have gotten help, but my mother stopped it and shut me up until I couldn't take it any more. I think it was January that I told my wife. Anyway..it was right before I joined here, so I'll see my join date once I post this and then know how long ago it was. these past couple of months have simultaneously felt like years and days.


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#359801 - 04/15/11 04:51 PM Re: When was the abuse, discovery, recovery? Triggers [Re: SamV]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: sasuva
When did the abuse happen? For how long? When did discovery happen? When was the recovery set in sufficiently to resume a balanced healthy lifestyle, if it happened yet?


when? 26 december 1978
how long? once
discovery? always
recovered? early 1990s

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Jeff

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