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#359929 - 04/16/11 07:20 PM Re: Is SSA "stronger" than normal sex urges? [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
God also gave each of us a mind
with which to be inquisitive

Therefore, I use it!
I ask questions!

smile


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#359930 - 04/16/11 08:12 PM Re: Is SSA "stronger" than normal sex urges? [Re: risingagain]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
For me the answer in many ways would be yes...

Sure there is the clinical answer something...something...fear turned to orgasm thingy...

Beyond my sexual orientation before it all started...(which I am not exactly sure of)...

Survivorwise....I like to think of it something akin to erotic terror...

so I see a form of excitement...(amongst other things)...imprinted.

What to do with that is another question...



Vetran of Psychic Wars (Tarot)

island







_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#359934 - 04/16/11 08:47 PM Re: Is SSA "stronger" than normal sex urges? [Re: 1islandboy]
risingagain Offline
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Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
hmm

erotic terror

i'm curious what do you feel when you are in your SSA and acting on it?


do you have any emotional attraction / desire to form a bond or relationship with a man?


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#359944 - 04/16/11 10:46 PM Re: Is SSA "stronger" than normal sex urges? [Re: risingagain]
1islandboy Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
My reply was more about the "urges" and less about "acting out".

At the present moment I am in a commited relationship...(acting out is just not an option).

It is possible that someday I might have an answer...(through recovery I have found that futuretripping ~or~ backtracking tends to make me feel rather psychotic).

So...just for today...I am o.k. without having all the answers.


Bananafishbones (The Cure)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#359962 - 04/17/11 01:42 AM Re: Is SSA "stronger" than normal sex urges? [Re: 1islandboy]
risingagain Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Hm. It's interesting, the words 'acting out'. To me it implies something that is done out of addiction or coping or compensating. It implies woundedness.

I have sat long with that question for myself, is my desire to be with a man physically, emotionally, romantically a result of woundeness or dysfunction in my family?

For me I believe the answer is no. For others it may be yes.


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#360023 - 04/17/11 07:17 PM Re: Is SSA "stronger" than normal sex urges? [Re: risingagain]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
I can only speak of my own experience back in the days. I understand the urges well . I am guessing that a lot of my acting out had to do in part with the fact that I needed some of my real feelings to come out. I don't mean the SSA only. I think I spent so much time role playing in front of others that at some point my brain needed to get in synch with my body. All done under the cover of hiding. To my friends and family I appeared normal and put together (somewhat). I felt ALONE, and could never tell or feel or be myself. I could be at a party or at work and I would get on "hunting mode". A powerful urge to find a GUY. It felt powerful while it lasted, there was a sense of well being and my normal life was like somebody elses, not mine. It was a strange sensation. That urge was never satisfied, always disapointing. A big let down after an adrenaline surge. Slowly you go back to your regular self and just shake your head about what you just did.There could never be intimacy, not in that state of mind. I felt like I was in an altered state, primal.

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#360035 - 04/17/11 09:46 PM Re: Is SSA "stronger" than normal sex urges? [Re: Anthony39]
risingagain Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Hmm.. Wow your experience of SSA is very different than mine.

Cool.


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#360050 - 04/17/11 11:49 PM Re: Is SSA "stronger" than normal sex urges? [Re: Anthony39]
risingagain Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Originally Posted By: Anthony39
I could be at a party or at work and I would get on "hunting mode". A powerful urge to find a GIRL. It felt powerful while it lasted, there was a sense of well being and my normal life was like somebody elses, not mine. It was a strange sensation. That urge was never satisfied, always disapointing. A big let down after an adrenaline surge. Slowly you go back to your regular self and just shake your head about what you just did.There could never be intimacy, not in that state of mind. I felt like I was in an altered state, primal.


I changed the word GUY to GIRL in the quote.
It's interesting because it makes sense regardless of gender. When a guy looks at another person like a piece of meat, like you said the hunter part of our brain gets activated... and I might get a kick out of it, get a high, but in the end it is just 'ashes in the mouth' (as my Muslim friend says). I come down and feel more empty and disappointed.

That is not just true for meaningless gay hookups, it's equally true for meaningless straight hookups!!! Just look at young 20-somethings at bars on Saturday night man... Look at the heartache!

I want to be careful how I define 'acting out'. I don't define it in the context of gender, but in the context of how I was looking at the person. Was I seeing a person, or was I seeing an object to satisfy me?

I believe that the most Godly relationships are the ones where two people see the God in each other, where they treat the other as holy, and where they are each aware of their primal urges, and choose to save them for a time when true mutual love has developed.

I'm no expert there, having been single for 12 years and practically celibate for most of that time too.


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#360052 - 04/18/11 12:22 AM Re: Is SSA "stronger" than normal sex urges? [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
In the past couple years I reached a point where I saw a lot of good in so called conservative religious teachings, and was able to forgive the bad. So I began to embrace friends from those religions.

One day I received a message on Facebook from a guy. He asked me if I wanted to make a friend. He said he found me on Facebook through a 'gay interest group search' and sent me a message saying he was a devout Mormon who just wanted to make more gay friends because he believed in loving not judging. We went for coffee and gradually opened up to each other.

I didn't want to be sexual with him, and I didn't think that's what he wanted. He's married and a devout Mormon!

Well, three days after I got back from the WoR, my friend asked how I was, and I told him that I had just confronted my dad. He offered, rather graciously I thought, to give me a massage.

I thought about it and decided it might do me good to relax and ease up. So I went to his house and lay down. He started massaging my back. But I started to feel a bit queasy when he moved farther and farther down, and started massaging my ass. Then he switched to my leg, and began concentrating and stroking closer and closer to my balls and penis, and eventually he was basically touching them and brushing up against them vigorously. I don't know why but I was frozen like a deer in the headlights. I felt terrified to say something, felt so scared and small.

I finally told him that it was too close for comfort, and he stopped. I confronted him after and he basically denied anything and called it my issues. I went home feeling so betrayed, that in that vulnerable space of having confronted my dad about his behavior, my friend had offered me a massage which I thought was coming from his heart, but it turned out it was just coming from his own unexpressed and unresolved sexual need.

The point is, his belief system was keeping him in Shame, and causing him to act out in totally inappropriate ways. If he could just accept his feelings, doors would open for him. Maybe he's bi, maybe he's gay, maybe he has unwanted SSA. But he will never know, and will continue to act destructively, until he deals with the shame and the secrecy, instead of finding secret moments with gay 'friends'.

Believe it or not, that's not the first time that happened. I had another friend, also a Mormon. He was my best friend for 2 years. He helped me organize my tackle football club. We played two seasons together as defensive backs. He was a great guy in a lot of ways, a family man with 4 daughters and we helped each other a lot.

I had no sexual feelings towards him- not even my type of guy... and our relationship was more like most guy-guy relationships- razzing each other, good natured one-upmanship and trying to get the other guy to perform at his best on the field... we never had any physical affection.

Our team go to the championships and we won the semi-finals in an intense game. We were all sweating hard and feeling camaraderie and just a sense of having won in battle with each other. I was kinda surprised when he came up to me and gave me a BIG hug. He had never hugged me before-- naw, I'm not that kinda guy he'd say.

So I let him hug me. All of a sudden, he leans in to my face for a kiss. My neck tenses, I'm not comfortable, and we bump noses awkwardly. Then he says, "easy now, don't get excited Jan". I kinda laughed inside but brushed it off.

Well sure enough he pulls a HUGE classic Mormon trip on me by projecting all his stuff on me. He wouldn't talk to me for two months. When I finally got to confront him, he blamed it on me in front of the team, saying how gay it was that I would try to kiss him and how I had betrayed him and so on.

So here I have experienced two people who hold conservative beliefs that prevent them from accepting their sexual impulses without shame, and they both are trying to displace it on me, simply because I am an openly gay man who chooses to do my work around my sexuality.

Go figure.


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#360056 - 04/18/11 12:42 AM Re: Is SSA "stronger" than normal sex urges? [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada

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