It would be nice to collect all the posts that just get it sooooo right somewhere.
What's the best post you've seen here for you?
I cannot for the life of me find it with the search function here (hint, hint, ) but here it is, I thought from Andrei, but I think I remember that was wrong, idk.
I am thinking now of what has changed, and what I've learned since I've been here. I just thought I would share it. It isn't what's 'right' or wrong for anyone else in healing. Just what's happened for me.
1. I have learned it was not my fault. None of it, none of the times, none of the abusers. None of it was my fault. I was the child. I was not in control of what happened to me then.
2. I have learned that I am in control of what happens to me now. What I do with my life now is mine and not theirs. If I fail or make mistakes with my life now, yes, it is my fault. Because I can not blame the past for my present behavior forever. Else I do not have future.
3. I have learned that I am not alone. That I am never alone, in what has been done to me, in how I dealt with it and in my struggles now. No matter how strange my thoughts or ideas are, no matter how strange my fears are, I know that someone else has them, shares them and understands me.
4. I have learned to feel emotion again. I had shut off for so long, being just a 'robot' of emotions. I remember posting something here after a few months about 'I cried today'. It was many years since I had felt that much. Now I sometimes wish I didn't feel as much as I do but I remember what it was like not feeling, and I know it is very important to do it.
5. I have learned that there is some of 'me' that 'they' could not take away. I have learned that as damaged I am, there are parts of 'me' that they could not damage. There are parts of 'me' that they could never even touch. And those are good parts.
6. I have learned to respect my 'radars'. I have learned to find some faith again in my instincts of people. Yes, sometime I will be wrong, but everybody is wrong sometimes. It is just that most people are not so aware of it because they have not been so hurt and betrayed. Because I have, it feels like a much 'bigger deal' if I trust the wrong person again. But now it is not. It's an annoyance. But it doesn't damage me as it use to. And if I feel the instinct to not trust someone, I do not make myself try.
7. I have learned that I can protect myself. That's hard sometimes, because I sometimes still feel like the 9 year old I was, alone and afraid, with bad things happening and no family there to save me. I know that sometime I still feel and maybe even act like a lost child. But now, I am not. And I have learned to respect that I deserve safety. And I can provide it for myself.
8. I have learned to like myself some. There is still much growing I must do, and many things about myself I am not as happy about as other things. But that is part of life. What is it if you are so satisfied with yourself right away, what else do you have to do or learn in life? So I am learning some to like myself more, and to appreciate some good things about myself. And to try to not 'beat on' myself for negative things so much.
9. I have learned to share with others, to trust them with some of the most frightening and scarey secrets inside me. I have even learned to love some people--something I don't know if I ever even thought I'd be able to do.
10. I have learned that I am stronger--emotionally and physically--than I look, than I even believe myself sometimes. Just because I am a 'softer' kind of person does not mean I will not survive, and does not mean I will not succeed. To estimate me is fine. To underestimate me, is not wise.
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you