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#359447 - 04/12/11 05:39 PM Quick Question
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 597
Loc: USA
I have a question for you guys.

I just watched an episode of Law and Order: SVU (while yes that show is triggering for many, that is not what this is about). Anyway, the episode basically consisted of one of the detectives that heard a rumor from a nurse that a 14 year old girl was raped but it could not legally be reported because the victim did not want it to be. So the detective goes digging into her life to get her name and convince her to come forward. Much of the episode covers the morality of the decision.

My question is, in the midst or aftermath of your bad experiences, would you want to have some detective or other person digging into your life to get you to disclose the abuse. I'm torn. Obviously it would have propelled me into recovery, but at the same time I choose (not forced) to go into recovery when I wanted to. So what do you guys think?

I ask this because I had a teacher who noticed something was wrong, called DCF, and after a short investigation that led nowhere all suspicions were dropped.


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#359449 - 04/12/11 05:54 PM Re: Quick Question [Re: Riley]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
Not sure if I'm answering your question or not but I have something to add to this. My dad went off the deep end and decided without my consent to go after my perp. He was going to fly to NY and take him to court, blah blah blah. Dad got mad at me cause I told him it wasn't his choice in the matter. It was really my choice if I wanted to go forward in pressing charges on my perp. I think some people have good intent but forget the boundaries part. In my dad's part, he has no boundaries at all. I also don't think I would want anyone digging in my past either. It's ultimately my business and nobody elses. Hope this helps. Good show by the way but triggering at times.

Andy


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#359456 - 04/12/11 06:32 PM Re: Quick Question [Re: nevragan]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
In my 30+ years of experience with child protective services is that anyone who has SUSPICION of a reportable child abuse situation must contact CPS. If the rape was done by someone who is not a relative, caretaker or person with supervisory powers over the child, it is not CPS reportable.

The part about an unwilling victim to report is a tough one. I've come to believe that while it may be in the best interest (long term) for the abuse to be reported, the decision of others to make the victim go through the legal process or possibly feel responsible for the prosecution of a relative or person they care about takes the sense of control away from the victim.

It is a thorny issue, perhaps why it makes for "entertainment" for an hour tv show.


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#359672 - 04/14/11 02:46 PM Re: Quick Question [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1241
Loc: NY
Ryan, I had a similar thing happen to me by a School Nurse. I heard that my math teacher reported to the nurse that there was a small amount of blood in the chair that I had been sitting in. I was 12 and it/ that part of the CSA had just begun and I wasn't consealing it very well-later on I wore stuff in between my clothes
and underwear so if I began to bleed down there it wouldn't show through my pants/clothing.
So I was called to her office a couple of days later and she took me to a private examination room. She told me what my math teacher had found and I don't remember exactly what happened after that, my memory is a little blurry cause I started to Panic like crazy!!!
She noticed a lot of bruises both fresh and old and some scrapes/nail and scratch marks and told me I had to remove my Shirt and Pants, I took off my shirt but NOT my Pants!!!! I would have fought her if she tried, I was so scared! And she took pictures of the wounds and stuff, and she took alot of notes and kept asking me lots of question--She definitely knew something was up and that I wasn't being fully honest, like me telling her that it was just Physical Abuse(I didn't call it that when talking to her and I never admitted to the sexual abuse) she'd ask me did 'this person' touch you in ways that made you feel uncomfortable? Me: (softly) "yes." Did this person touch you in your private area(s) Me:("Oh God, Oh God") "No?!" (but I hesitated way too long to answer and couldn't look her in the eyes, so I'm sure she thought I was not being honest with her. I was terrified at the time and confused!
She kept probing with the questions until I just stopped answering them saying that I don't wanna be here, I have to get back to class, "Nobody did anything to me", Etc.
I guess she figured out that she wasn't gonna get any more outta me at that time

At the time I was terrified and broke down told her that Someone, I didn't say who it was was beating me up regularly, I think I hinted at my brother, but he was a secondary culprit.

She kept calling me back regularly to her office but by that Time I was completely shutdown and denied everything and recounted everything I said, because I had mentioned that the Physical stuff was from my brother. The Nurse called my dada and threatened to call CPS on my family and my Dad sternly told me that they will "rip our family apart" and I have to tell the nurse that I made it all up and so I did, But I could tell the Nurse knew that I was lying but there was nothing she could do about it!
I was Too confused to at the time to help myself and she could have done a much better job by trying to be more gentle and sensitive with me instead of threatening me and saying that I will get into trouble if I don't tell her the truth and tell her everything that had happened. I felt like I was being interrogated.
It was just too much too quickly for me.

If she had said "I am hear to help you and you won't get in trouble for talking to me," and reassured me of that, then I probably would have told here what was really going on, but she didn't, instead she phoned my dad and threatened him and in turn he threatened me, and She also threatened me that "if I did not tell her who was doing this and EVERYTHING that this person is doing, then I would be the one to get in trouble!"
Fuck Her, I thought.
At the time and even now (to this day) I'm unsure if she was trying to help me or had some other witch-hunt like agenda.

Anyway I am really feeling spent from bring this up.

I hope this helps in some way or helps some one else(I'm not really sure how it could?), maybe I just saw my own opportunity to talk about this topic-I am still really angry by the way, in case you can't tell, of the way people who should have been available to help me and protect me, approached the situation and handled the situation!!!!!! mad Sorry Ryan, I don't wanna steal or divert your thread.

Feel free to PM me if you wanna know anything else-I don't wanna talk details in the Public forum

Sincerely,
Your Friend,
Logan



Edited by Logan (06/15/11 07:24 PM)
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#359677 - 04/14/11 05:06 PM Re: Quick Question [Re: Riley]
freddie Offline


Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 42
Loc: California
The report to Social Services, now decades ago, by a school official saved my wife from a torturous step-mother. She was physically removed from the home at 12yrs of age, to never return.

My personal journey would have been dramatically changed had a thorough look into my issues and statements taken place. Let's face it most of the abusers are getting away with this stuff. If when we are able to speak up about it, we should. Unfortunately we're unable to control or direct what happens next...........

_________________________
Freddie
__________________________________________________________

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#359707 - 04/14/11 10:35 PM Re: Quick Question [Re: freddie]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3391
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Riley,

I'm going to take a shot at your question because it does in a way hit home with me...

back when i was in grade school I had a bit of an anger problem - I was bullied a lot - was in lots of fights - I was placed into a counseling program with the Dad (who just happend to be the guidance counselor) of my best friend at that age - I can remember that every monday morning I would go to his office and talk with him for an hour - his main interest was in my constantly getting into fights and to work with me on how to control my anger - as our weekly meeting wore on and on he started to key in more and more on my home life - I know I told him about he spankings but i don't think he really got the severity of them - I have wished for 30 years that he would have dug deeper - asked more questions - I would have told him if I would have known that he could have helped - if i would have known that I would'nt have been blamed for "causing" her to beat me

Logan - I'm sorry that that nurse did not take the time to help you to understand that what was done to you was'nt your fault and that it really was ok to tell her

I guess what it all boils down to is trust - we need to know that we won't be in trouble for talking about the things that where done to us

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#359717 - 04/14/11 11:55 PM Re: Quick Question [Re: TJ jeff]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
I told my mom that someone had come after me. I wouldn’t tell where because I didn’t want to get my friend in trouble. My mom thought I was lying.

I was 8 and didn’t understand the severity of what had happened to me. I had no idea on the mating habits of adults. I had no idea the noises I had heard was a Polaroid camera until a year later when I saw and heard one. Even if I had told everything, I could not have told everything, because I did not understand. Even if someone had pushed, I could not have told what I did not understand.

_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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#359726 - 04/15/11 01:46 AM Re: Quick Question [Re: Napoleon]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1241
Loc: NY
I realize that I may have said a Mouthful before, I'm sorry about that.
My anxieties where playing up on me cause I had a first date in..... a long while-it when really well by the way!

Ry, to answer your question simply, yes. But, unfortunately it's NEVER that simple!

Let us say that the school nurse with her own agenda, which by the way I still truly think was not in helping me but proving her own suspicions about how bad parents are, or something to that effect... Let's say that she did manage to discover the truth--That one of their own, a beloved teacher and his son was behind it, if she could even accept that as the truth, lets say she stopped it, by that time the entire town or at least the entire school would have found out about it and because of my situation, unless others came forward, I would have been accused of you name it!!!!!!!!! You know how cruel kids can be and how the Myths of CSA are especially against an boy------He must have wanted it, he must be gay, why did he go back, why didn't he say anything, etc....

I probably wouldn't have made it here today(I would have killed myself along time ago). Now I guess that is what survivor means after all.

If someone could have put a stop to it AND protected me at the same time, Then YES!, by all means I would have liked that to be the case. But, in my situation I believed then as I do now that that would not have been so.

Sooooo, Not so simply NO! I came forward when I was ready to!!! Not because some Cop or Social Service worker wanted to get a promotion. I got control by coming forward and did not loose control by them taking it out of my hands and dealing with it the way the thought it should be dealt with---had they done that, I doubt that they would, ve miss an entire night of sleep over it!!!!!

Just my opinion of how it went down for me, Bro.

Take care Ryan,
Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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