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#359639 - 04/14/11 02:19 AM to change a name
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
i have a buddhist friend
he is a lawyer
i asked him
what are the legal implications should i change my name?

he asked me deeper questions back
how much of you wanting to change your name
is because you hate your parents?

i answered no! it's not out of spite
...
but part of me had to check myself
because part of it is about spite

fuck you to my family name
mixed with a desire to move on
to make the cuts needed
to live a healthy life

but if i harbor hate in my heart,
my buddhist friend asked,
will i ever be free?

a powerful question
i sat with many feelings arising in me
what would changing my name do?
could it unintentionally cause harm?

i was raped by my parents
i am in the turbulent waters
stage 2, i reckon with the abuse
its effects, the cost to me,
to everyone around me

could i reach a place of compassion
not a fake whitewash forgiveness
covering a seething pool of loss

but a true compassion
borne of having experienced the loss, dealt with it,
and moved on
a slow compassion
a wound thoroughly cleaned
thoroughly cleaned
and cared for
and cared for
and tended to
and tended to

wow...

i sit with the discomfort
the tension in my family
that feeling of disgust
at the name they gave me
all the terrifying nights

mixed with moments of actual love

confused parents
both loving and killing their child

i will not be their victim
and i will not give them my adulthood
and i will not cause them suffering

because what they did to me
was borne of their anger,
their pain
their suffering

i have suffered
they have suffered

this ends with me

so i sit
and breathe
as each day brings a new curve in this rollercoaster
and my spirit begins to climb

rising
again


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#359658 - 04/14/11 10:32 AM Re: to change a name [Re: risingagain]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 728
Loc: United States
A wonderful and powerful insight for you.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#359680 - 04/14/11 05:21 PM Re: to change a name [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, risingagain.

Powerful insight.

I hope that someday you will get the peace & serenity, that we all deserve.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#359700 - 04/14/11 09:01 PM Re: to change a name [Re: petercorbett]
jevin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/30/10
Posts: 44
Loc: somewhere on the Red Road
Beautifully said. The poetry of your recovery, rising.

<tears>

- Jev

_________________________
"Whatever is rejected from the self appears in the world as an event."
- Carl Jung

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#359704 - 04/14/11 09:44 PM Re: to change a name [Re: jevin]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
god damnit guys
your love stings

reminding me that i am loved
not alone
it stings to hear it
it breaks through my shell

it cracks
i surrender
i am loved


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