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#359646 - 04/14/11 04:05 AM merr
illbedat Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 75
Loc: David Wright is AWESOME
stuck in the same place, hard to say its ever gunna change. i dont think i even want it to. I like being a f'd up piece of shit for people to laugh at. talk behind my back and act like theyre there for me. fuck everyone.. fuck me, for wanting to be a loser. i could never think right, i dont understand people. how they want to make something of their life. same people say the same things, theyre the same person but it never feels the same. guess they just lose interest. die loser the voice always says. I want it but how. guess i am a loser.. a puss cuz i cant even do that. my dad comes in my room last night.. finds me in the dark punching myself in the face, he tells me im to loud and walks out. why thanks dad, guess thats normal no need to help me. maybe i should wake him up and ask him to kill me. is everyone gunna turn their head, is anyone gunna help. not that i would take it. am i gunna die, or stick around and hurt a boy. im such a piece of shit, you guys will never understand. no pretty girl i dont want you, no im not gay.. i just stay in my head and fantisize about children.. yeah i should be living. so i could be the reason some guy ends up here. maybe i should just be alone and feel like this for the rest of mylife. I hate being alone theirs no purpose if i cant have a family, it was all i wanted. alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone laone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone alone aloen alone alone forever u piece of shit i ahte you.

_________________________
Take me back to the place, where I've seen it before. Before the time I lost it, where you will see, the shadow that still haunts me.

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#359650 - 04/14/11 06:45 AM Re: merr [Re: illbedat]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
It was then that the fox appeared.
"Good morning," said the fox.

"Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

"I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree."

"Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."

"I am a fox," said the fox.

"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."

"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."

"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince.

But, after some thought, he added:

"What does that mean-- 'tame'?"

"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it that you are looking for?"

"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean-- 'tame'?"

"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"

"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean-- 'tame'?"

"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."

"'To establish ties'?"

"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."

"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower... I think that she has tamed me..."


"It is possible," said the fox. "On the Earth one sees all sorts of things."

"Oh, but this is not on the Earth!" said the little prince.

The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.

"On another planet?"

"Yes."

"Are there hunters on this planet?"

"No."

"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"

"No."

"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox.

But he came back to his idea.

"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the colour of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..."

The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.

"Please-- tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me-- like that-- in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."


The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."


So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added:

"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."


The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.
"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world."

And the roses were very much embarassed.

"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you-- the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or ever sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.


And he went back to meet the fox.
"Goodbye," he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#359661 - 04/14/11 12:05 PM Re: merr [Re: illbedat]
freddie Offline


Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 42
Loc: California
OK, it's settled then, you are screwed up. Let yourself try something different tomorrow. Wake up, put your best game face on, and go and tell someone what a wonderful day it is today and my opportunities for something great to occur is very high. Force positive words and thoughts into your daily routine. Literally, go and shake someone's hand and tell them, with a smile, how much better things are today than yesterday. Let me know how you did OK.............................

_________________________
Freddie
__________________________________________________________

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#359662 - 04/14/11 12:13 PM Re: merr [Re: Anthony39]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Brandon,

Your healing brothers here have been sharing their best experiences and advice with you. Because of your very great anxiety and pain I think you're having a very hard time hearing them and that is completely understandable. Being a person affected by CSA/SA has many aspects to it and is a very difficult road to travel especially early on and mostly alone.

From my experience and that of your fellow brother survivors here, we can tell you that it's a nearly impossible journey to travel without some help and it's time for you to access outside help. Professionals who can guide and support you on this difficult journey can be the difference between healing, moving ahead or staying stuck. Being stuck is not where you want to be, it's so obvious that you desire more, but just don't know how to get there by yourself, none of us do. Finding professional help is something that you're ready for, it's become time. The earliest parts of that help may need to first come as help getting strait with any addictions and getting your anxiety and depression under control. I would also caution you about acting out your pain by perpetrating against children, it's not going to make you feel better about yourself, will complicate your life and you don't want to do what others did to hurt you so badly. There are good aspects of yourself to share with the world, it's important to stay away from the dark one's.

That you've been able to reach out to others here is an indication of your inner will and strength and ability to do more, to do better. I and others here would strongly encourage you to begin the next stage of your healing journey by beginning therapy with trained and knowledgeable professionals.

All the best is wished for you and there really are better times ahead, we really have been there and know from our own experiences, but it's up to you to get that ball rolling for yourself, Brandon, please begin that soon.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#359679 - 04/14/11 05:15 PM Re: merr [Re: 1.healing]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother, Brandon.

Take it from this old boy we all need professional help a T.

But, I also come here and my brothers will hear my cries & they will come to my aid.

Gary, above, has spent a lot of his time & wisdom on me these last few weeks. He has helped me overcome a very serious issue that i had.

Take his advice & wisdom. I encourage you to get professional help.

I offer you my compassion, understanding & love in your struggle.

My fraternal brother, Brandon, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#359722 - 04/15/11 01:08 AM Re: merr [Re: petercorbett]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
yo brother you are not what you think you are


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#359843 - 04/16/11 04:03 AM Re: merr [Re: illbedat]
illbedat Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 75
Loc: David Wright is AWESOME
thanks guys...Its tough all i ever wanted was to be someone else. I never fit it. I look at other people and all I can see is the good in them. I think hard and look deep and i cant find that in me. I dont have to tell you guys.. people arent so nice away from this website. I hate the way they judge and label. I never showed the real me, i dont understand what i became. im like this dead person cuz im still scared to be anything. scared of what theyll see. ignored when all i wanted was to be accepted. i tryed to be waht i thought people wanted me to be...illbedat. the good i see makes me want to be them. I dream of the day when someone will see the good in me, if i have any. i dont understand why my family jokes about me.. do they think im normal in here.. I could take the joke cause they think its not true.. like im acting.. like i cant here them. Ive been so close to screaming at them telling them what happened. but I dont want their sympathy.. i dont want the apologies and sudden understanding. If im gunna make it I need new people a new life far away from them. walk away and never come back. i love them but i dont feel i can get away from the pain if theyre in my life. cause ill keep dreaming for them to see the things they never seen. dreaming for them to see the pain.. dreaming for the love and care they never gave. ill try and see what i can find.

_________________________
Take me back to the place, where I've seen it before. Before the time I lost it, where you will see, the shadow that still haunts me.

Top
#359853 - 04/16/11 08:49 AM Re: merr [Re: illbedat]
mrwhiskers Offline


Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 193
You are so much more than u think u are Brandon...
G

_________________________
"Dont be scared... angels r here" Maria Fernanda (Mafer)

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#359859 - 04/16/11 10:12 AM Re: merr [Re: mrwhiskers]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Dear Brandon,

These guys here are right, you are much more than you think you are! You only need to gain more access to your better self, that's how people versed in our issues can help, you can find them and it will make a difference.

We all have choices in this struggle we share; we can give up or give in to the wreckage of the abuses we suffered and live in darkness and pain. Or we can do something about it even if it seems an impossible task, and make the choice to do better, to repair what's been damaged, to learn to live the best life possible. We each have that choice, you seem to want more for yourself and you deserve so much more.

I wish you well on a healing journey, but it's entirely up to you to begin the next stage, I hope you choose the road to recovery for yourself.

Your brother in healing and recovery,

Gary



Edited by 1.healing (04/16/11 10:21 AM)
Edit Reason: grammer
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#359868 - 04/16/11 01:35 PM Re: merr [Re: 1.healing]
freddie Offline


Registered: 03/28/11
Posts: 42
Loc: California
ditto what 1.healing just said. do what feels right in your heart, give yourself something special. Act on something for Brandon's better future and state of mind, just do it and don't apologize. Stay focused on your positive opportunities, just around the corner, go and get it.....................

_________________________
Freddie
__________________________________________________________

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#359876 - 04/16/11 02:39 PM Re: merr [Re: mrwhiskers]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
Brandon,

Having the courage to share honestly what is plauging your mind is enormous & puts you ahead of the pack! You have been diligent and arrived at the starting line of recovery.....don't give an inch....continue forward to find the encouragmnet & support you need.....I applaud you for what you have accomplished so far....wishing you the very best, your MS brother in recovery.

Ivan



Edited by itrahan (04/16/11 02:39 PM)

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