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#359494 - 04/12/11 11:26 PM Little Boy Blue
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
I wrote this for my husband... It's taking a long time to heal, myself, and I know my own road to recovery is far from over, but I know nothing compares to what he, and my dear Survivor friends on here, are going through. I love him. Always. And this is my 'love letter' to him.


Little Boy Blue

Little Boy.
I see you there.
Bright blue eyes, sparkling at the sight of the world in front of you.
Everything so new, so priceless and so amazing in its existence.
Things untouched and unexplored, just waiting for you to discover their beauty.
Innocence radiates from your smile as you grin at the possibilities laid out there.
Little boy.
I know itís all gone.
You donít understand and comprehend why these thoughts are there now.
Images of toys, playtime and naps no longer live inside your mind.
The shiny new penny in your hand no longer looks so bright and promising.
You drop it on the ground and hope to find something better.
Something to take away the pain, the guilt, the shame and secrets festering inside your impressionable mind.
The world doesnít seem so beautiful anymore.
Its all tainted in your eyes.
The excitement once alive inside you, is just replaced with emptiness, shame and sorrow.
Too much to handle that not even an ice cream cone or band-aid can heal these wounds.
No scab to pick at.
No healing that can help the cuts fade away in a few days.
Not even the millions of hugs, kisses and loving embraces can put a patch onto the infliction thatís permanently carved into your heart and soul.
Not days.
Not weeks.
Not months.
But years.
Cold. Distance. Brick stone Emotional Walls. And layers of veils of shame and guilt that cover your beautiful face and innocent smile.
A hand reaches out to pull them back.
Each veil tinted in the grayest of colors, becomes thicker in texture as each one is lifted.
Fear, self loath, anger, melancholy moods, confusion and guilt appear.
It takes much coaxing to wipe away these cobwebs of emotions to finally get to you.
There you are.
The beautiful 5 year old Blue eyed boy I would have loved to have known.
To have protected.
To have loved.
To have taken your little hand in mine and held it during and between the tears and moments of pain.
I wish I could have been the reassuring smile you could have seen when you searched for someone to save you.
To know that someone understood.
That you could be, deserved to be and should be loved, right. Fully. Correctly. And whole-heartedly.
Little boy, inside a manís body.
I would have fought for you.
I would have fought back for you.
I would have placed myself there, just to take the lashes and see you safe.
My beautiful blue eyed boy.
My beautiful blue eyed Man.
Iím still holding your hand.
I always have.
I see the sparkle somewhere in your eyes.
The twinkle is just hidden behind a cloud, trying to peek out and remember the beauty that life once held for you.
Iíve helped you wipe away cobwebs.
I have tried to replace your pain and self-loath with love and respect.
Life truly is beautiful.
Look beyond the curtains that he put there in front of you.
You need not protect anyone anymore.
Only yourself. My little blue eyed boy.
Take his hand and show him whatís beyond that curtain.
There really is love.
It does exist and it is well deserved.
I kiss your forehead and stare once more to the little boy and the man I fell in love with.
I see beauty.
I see amazement.
Brilliance.
Potential.
Strength.
I see my SurvivorÖ

I love you. Always.

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down Ďhappy.í They told me I didnít understand the assignment, and I told them they didnít understand life." - John Lennon

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#359497 - 04/12/11 11:50 PM Re: Little Boy Blue [Re: Lost Spark]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
you just made this grown man get all teary-eyed.

_________________________
ďIf a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.Ē

- Saint John of the Cross

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#359499 - 04/13/11 12:23 AM Re: Little Boy Blue [Re: CruxFidelis]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
Thank you.. My husband just came back from a Weekend of Recovery a few weeks ago, and I was inspired by him to write this... He always inspires me. Always has, always will.

Lost Spark

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down Ďhappy.í They told me I didnít understand the assignment, and I told them they didnít understand life." - John Lennon

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#359695 - 04/14/11 07:54 PM Re: Little Boy Blue [Re: Lost Spark]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
This is a very beautiful piece. I feel very much like you do.


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#359696 - 04/14/11 07:56 PM Re: Little Boy Blue [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
P.S. I love the part about the penny. I feel like sometimes it's a matter of him moving on to the next thing that seems easier or a distraction to dull the pain. I'm not condemning with that statement, just feel sad that it is that way.


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#360791 - 04/26/11 01:27 PM Re: Little Boy Blue [Re: hopeandtry]
peterpan Offline


Registered: 04/26/11
Posts: 2
I am a mother to a little boy who was sexually abused for more than 2 years, starting from the age of 6. Your poem has touched me deeply. I often look at my little boy and notice a light has gone out in his eyes. I am desperately looking for a group for support to know how to cope with the anger and guilt a mother feels knowing she did not protect her son from this horror.


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#360793 - 04/26/11 01:48 PM Re: Little Boy Blue [Re: peterpan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Peterpan,

Its not your fault. If you knew about it, you would have stopped it.

I'm so glad for your son that you know about it now. Now you can help him, support him and point him down the right paths in life. He'll have you on his side. He'll never have to worry about so many factors many of us had to as kids. He'll have a real adult running offence for him. He'll never have to think, "God...I can't ever let my mother know about that."

Quote:
I am desperately looking for a group for support to know how to cope with the anger and guilt a mother feels knowing she did not protect her son from this horror.


I'm pretty sure you'll find that here.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#360800 - 04/26/11 03:40 PM Re: Little Boy Blue [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@peterpan, we are so glad you found this site. I'm sorry your little boy went through the abuse, but I am very glad he has a mother who now wants to support him. You did not know he was going through abuse but early intervention in the rest of his life will hopefully save him a world of future hurt.


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#360887 - 04/27/11 05:45 PM Re: Little Boy Blue [Re: hopeandtry]
Lost Spark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 73
Loc: Chicago, IL
@peterpan...

You are a courageous, admirable and STRONG mother! I applaud you and embrace you with all my love for wanting to help him, in any way possible.

Unfortunately, at this time, my husband has not had the same amount of understanding and dedication to help heal him, from his parents. And it hurts me so much. We are divorcing now, because of his revealing he is Gay and because of his infinite amounts of infidelities, but I am still trying to stand here and hold his hand, being a substitute for the love his mother is not even giving him right now...

With that said, I am touched at your understanding and desperation to KNOW, to UNDERSTAND, and to help HEAL, your son in this time of pain... Know that you, Peterpan, are amazing in just your voluntary efforts and your attempts to start this recovery for your son..

You will have it here and please understand, you are going to be your son's hero for standing by him. Moreso than any other mother in other circumstances. Your my hero, right now, in my own eyes.

Bless you and thank you for the words on my poem. You have friends here who do care...

Lost Spark

_________________________
"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down Ďhappy.í They told me I didnít understand the assignment, and I told them they didnít understand life." - John Lennon

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