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#359402 - 04/12/11 05:19 AM I feel so alone today.
eyeslikeapisces Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 15
Loc: NC
It's been a long time since I have felt like coming here but, today at 5:10am, I think I need to.

I went public with my story, using a pseudonym.
It's been out for about 3 years and up until today, I have never visited any of the websites that feature it, most predominately a GLBT publication. But, against my better judgment I did and well, now I feel myself spiraling.

The comments people have left, just kill me inside.
Some even question if what happened was even wrong. Of course there are those that fetishize it and I can comprehend that but still, it hurts.

Just to update my story, my case was closed and even to this day no one ever helped. I was terminated from my local rape crisis center after I complained about the inequality of their system and the outright neglect of male survivors, there were more than just me in the therapy sessions, which they closed due to "United Way not willing to support a same sex group", or that was their excuse anyway.

It's just so hard to experience this wave of frustration again.

I am almost 30 now and still can't socialize with people or interact in ways that I should, I just feel so alone and violated by not only the perpetrator but those that were supposed to help.

I want to be so proactive but the opportunities to speak out and seek help are JUST NOT HERE.

_________________________
my story @
http://asurvivorvoice.blogspot.com/

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#359410 - 04/12/11 08:25 AM Re: I feel so alone today. [Re: eyeslikeapisces]
mrwhiskers Offline


Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 193
U r not alone....hugs

_________________________
"Dont be scared... angels r here" Maria Fernanda (Mafer)

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#359416 - 04/12/11 09:54 AM Re: I feel so alone today. [Re: eyeslikeapisces]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I saw your blog.

I am a male rape survivor, too. Yes, there is not much out there for us, but you are not alone, and there are a few of us here who have been sexually assaulted as adults.

The way you were treated by that rape crisis center and the police is egregious... how hard is it for people to get it through their thick stupid heads that men can rape other men?

It wasn't your fault, no matter what those asinine comments might say. You are not at fault.

If you ever want to talk, I am around.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#359417 - 04/12/11 10:02 AM Re: I feel so alone today. [Re: mrwhiskers]
petercorbett Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother.

You definitely are not alone.

Like you i don't know how to socialize nor know how to interact with others.

I'm still very much that shy, lonely & immature boy/man.
I have tried many times to change my behavior. Learn new social skills.

When ever i go out in public be it to a restaurant, church or an event like a 4Th of July town celebration.

One part of me tells me Peter, we have to learn how to live again, we have to have human contact. Go on intermingle.

I wish someone would come up to me and talk to me. But, what would i say? How am i supposed to act? What am i supposed to do?

The other part of me tells me that if someone approaches me to me is to flee, look for a way out.

The only time that i do choose to socialize and feel safe & comfortable is when i am in the physical presence of my kind of people sexually abused boys/men & gay men. Be it here on a computer in MS or best of all when i am at those WoR's.

The only two persons whom i have come face to face with is my brothers Todd (obi) daily & Daryl (prisonerID) on occasions.
They are like me. They are my kind of persons. They are my contact to the "normal" world.

My brothers in this site remind me that indeed i am not alone. Here i am among my fraternal brothers, my fraternal family. Here I am home.

And you are too. We are on this journey together as one.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, my brother,eyeslikeapisces, heal well my brother. I am here for you.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#359482 - 04/12/11 10:11 PM Re: I feel so alone today. [Re: eyeslikeapisces]
jevin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/30/10
Posts: 44
Loc: somewhere on the Red Road
I was raped at 21 by a trusted mentor. I was drunk when it happened. That little detail has prevented me from letting go of the belief that I was partially responsible.

This has been a decades-long battle between my head and my gut. As this battle has raged inside me it's blocked me from fully grieving the trauma and letting it go. I need to do this. I despise my anxiety and hyper-vigilence in social situations with gay men. I'm afraid that I won't find the strength and will to defend myself should I have to. A big piece of my personal power got lost in that trauma, and I need to get it back.

Your blog is a testament to the ignorance in the powers that be about male-on-male rape. It was also affirming to see the courage with which you've fought back.

I hope you find the strength and determination to work your trauma through to place of peace and empowerment. For sure this is not something we can accomplish alone.

Peace, man.

- Jev

_________________________
"Whatever is rejected from the self appears in the world as an event."
- Carl Jung

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#359510 - 04/13/11 04:06 AM Re: I feel so alone today. [Re: jevin]
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
it doesn't supries me that the straight statues qoue has no place for gay surviors. Let alone for healing them, you want to know the message i got most of my life. If your gay, and your raped, you deserved it. I was 11 and I knew it even then, on top of the shame of not telling, and the fear, is the soical stigma of being a willing VICTIM to your "attacker". On top of that, is the ignorant belife that men can't be raped, that men can't be victims of a sexual crime. That our well of sterangth and power should be beyond part to defeat any perverted attacker. I thought by now something would have changed, at least for the better, but after talking to some one in his early 20's, who was violently abused as a child, I realized it HASN'T! i grew up in the 80's early 90's with stranger danger, good touch and bad touch, and it didn't save me. By the time i was 15 years old, they didn't even talk about rape..didn't talk about abuse, just swept it under the carpet. thanks for letting me rant lol sorry dued.
Tom.

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

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#359518 - 04/13/11 07:30 AM Re: I feel so alone today. [Re: Aberrant30]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Dear Eyeslikeapisces,

You have a voice here and you're not alone in your struggle when you share it with us, your gay brothers of male survivors. We, like you, face and understand the difficulties of being a SA/CSA survivor and of the additional prejudices we face by being gay men as well, it's a heavy load to bear at times, but one easier done if shared with others. Please, consider staying connected here, we need your healing strength and I hope that you will continue to tap into ours.

Gary

_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#359521 - 04/13/11 07:57 AM Re: I feel so alone today. [Re: 1.healing]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
eyeslikepisces,

First let me say that I am very honored to meet you here. I wish it was under different circumstances but honored just the same. I will echo what these other fine men have said in that you are not alone in this though it often feels that way.

I was raped in my late twenties by two strangers. In the years since I have tried to find resources for men as well. I have found the same answers no matter where I turned. I have been at it again and this past January went into a depression that lasted over a month. I felt taken back to the shame and darkness when I was kidnapped. I felt less deserving than other survivors in that no one could find a place for me. I am still trying and it hurts when the answers are the same familiar ones or silence is given back to me.

You are a brave man to have stood up for yourself and others - for all of us. I thank you for that. I am glad you came back here and like Gary I hope you stay.

We are not alone. We are not the only ones.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#359526 - 04/13/11 08:16 AM Re: I feel so alone today. [Re: prisonerID]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
hugs and I wrote this for you eyeslikeapisces

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

YOU ARE A STAR

one day

your voice will be heard

if not today someday

for you are a child of the universe

one day your star will shine

and someone will wish upon you

and say I like that bright star in the sky

it's a strong light shinning bright

one day you will be seen and heard

one day soon your starlight will show

others how strong and bright you really are

by Michael Joseph



Edited by michael Joseph (04/13/11 09:11 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling error
_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#359570 - 04/13/11 02:46 PM Re: I feel so alone today. [Re: michael Joseph]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
What a beautiful poem MJ.

I know I have said this before, but you have a talent for poetry and I love reading your poems a great deal. ((((MJ))) say hi to Fifi! smile

_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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