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#360433 - 04/21/11 10:52 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA


Hello Keeptrying,

My sister and I met with the therapist first with the children. I was present for EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY SON'S THERAPY SESSIONS. We spent the first half together, my son was with the therapist for a bit and then I went back into the room to go over what therapy was needed at home.. ripping up newspaper for anger while yelling , blowing fears into a balloon & Popping it and so on.

You could try calling the prosecutors office or child advocacy center to request a behavioral therapist that specifically deals with treating CSA in very young children. They should have a list available.

You really should start a journal with dates, times, incidents, what was said by your husband and so on. I have a binder full of notes, reports, receipts and any other literature. Looking back at it now, I am happy that I had the strength to write down the memories or phrases (triggers & flashbacks) that the children were repeating. This helped with therapy as well. I was able to tell the therapist exactly what was being said and we would work on it in our sessions.

I would definitely search for a qualified therapist asap. Especially if DFCS is involved. The last thing you need is for this situation to get out of control with your children being taken away.

Keep Us Posted,


Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#360437 - 04/21/11 11:32 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: didi]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6500
Loc: Terminus
Keeptrying,

You may also seek-out a family-law attorney or a child addvocate attorney just to discuss having an emergency plan B. If things within the family get heated and you are getting worried about what might happen next, you and the attorney can have an ex-parte order of protection issued by a judge in a matter of hours (if not less).

_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#360508 - 04/22/11 11:35 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Still]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
If the assessment turns out to be negative, which I hope, it's going to make my job harder, but at least my kids are unharmed.

In my initial post under A11, my husband did admit to me that he and his brother have many similarities with the signs of emotional incest with their mother after reading a book: "Silently Seduced" which I came across 6 years ago. The physical part is becoming revealing to me as my owns sons were treated inappropriately by her (from what I heard from her own words and what my sons had said. What I didn't hear nor see is still a big question mark) during a short period of four months and maybe a dozen visits. Imaging my husband and his brother were with her most their lives, especially when their father was working far away while they were babies, little boys and adolescents.


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#360682 - 04/24/11 09:58 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
I did go with my sons when my husband took them to their grandmother's house.

I also emailed their preschool director about her taking their pants off playing and napping bare bottomed at her house. I told the school that the kids did the same when going bed at home after the visits and it took me a month to get them back to normal. I wanted the director to confirm that it's against the school policy if they do that during their nap at school when they start extended program in Summer since the grandma insisted that there was nothing wrong with it (and DFCS said that it was not abuse when I reported). The reply was that it is definitely not allowed and would get the school into serious troubles. Now at least I can get the authorities involved if she does that again. I'm not sure what the legal term it is, but she is creating behaviors in my sons that are socially not acceptable. Those behaviors would also make my children more vulnerable to other sexual abuse predators.

After weighing my options, I feel that putting the burden of proof on my young sons (like assessment, and what is needed to be done after the assessment either it is negative or positive) is too difficult and lengthy. The children's books I bought and web sites I visited and protection agencies I called all have good information on how to teach children on detecting and telling about inappropriate sexual mistreatments towards them. Even if they understand this complicated subject at this young age and do as instructed,

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THEY DID TELL? Almost NOTHING.

I was able to read only a fractions of many of your stories, and found out that in many cases it started just as taking clothes off and playing a game or during ordinary activities like bathing. Even if some caring adults did get alert at the early stage before the actual abuses happened, what could they have done to have prevented you from further harms, especially when a family member is involved? As much as I'm trying my best, I can't be with my sons 24/7. I have a health problem that I really need to be away from home for about a month. And I couldn't find any friends who can be take the charge 24/7 while I'm away. I truly have no idea what their grandma would do during my absence, so I have to sacrifice my own health to guard my sons.

It's really ridiculous that all the children protection programs try to teach children and caring adults how to protect them from inappropriate sexual behaviors, but aren't able to do anything until AFTER they become abuse victims. Then what's the meaning of PROTECTION AND PREVENTION???

Keeptrying



Edited by Keeptrying (04/24/11 10:01 PM)

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#360684 - 04/24/11 10:46 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6500
Loc: Terminus
There's no (as in NO) doubt what the grandmother is all about. She knows and we all know she is anticipating free rein for that month. It will be then that she kicks the abuse into high-gear.

Have you tried the police dept in the town where the grandmother lives? And I mean go there and not leave until THEY come up with a solution for YOU. Its their damn job to protect them. If you feel you need to bring an attorney to the police dept, do so.

_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#360691 - 04/24/11 11:39 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Quote:
WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THEY DID TELL? Almost NOTHING.


I beg to differ, telling IS something and it is HUGE!



Telling was the first step toward healing for my son and nephew.
(Even if the authorities do nothing, this is a big therapeutic step)




Edited by didi (04/24/11 11:41 PM)
_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#360743 - 04/25/11 07:15 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: didi]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
didi,

I didn't know any details about how the abuse got started to your son and nephew from your posts. I know for survivors, telling is a huge part of healing.

But my sons are in a different situation. From all the legal and therapeutic consultations I've sought, they can only categorize what their grandmother did as "inappropriate sexual behaviors" which may lead to abuses later if it's not stopped. Therefore my sons are at the stage where many members here had experienced in the playing a game or an ordinary daily activity such as bathing before the serious abuses kicked in. My challenge is how to prevent further abuses from happening since my husband still takes our kids to his mother's house. And I can't keep her away from them. This is contrary to what the books I read to my sons, if they tell, the person who tries to mistreat them will be stopped. Now since she still sees them as usual after my sons did tell, they would assume whatever she does later is OK. It's already a complicated issue for them to understand at this young age. It's much harder to keep them alerted if they continue seeing her.

Many friends here have offered as much help as they could even they themselves are facing hurts and difficulties from their own traumas. But I think the prevention systems out there really lack of the muscles to keep children at risk away from the persons who have already started victimizing them. Before any serious harms are done to them, the only way for me is trying to keep my eyes on my kids as much as possible. But doesn't prevention mean don't wait till it's too late?



Edited by Keeptrying (04/25/11 07:35 PM)

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#365937 - 07/13/11 11:24 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe - Update [Re: Keeptrying]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
I feel that I owe a huge thank you to every friend here who has supported me with every effort when I first came to these communities. I finally got back the assessment of my sons today and it's generally normal. It may not be totally conclusive since it's based on questionnaires filled out by me and their teachers instead of comprehensive play therapies and interviews due to the language barriers of my sons. But the assessment gave me some assurance that they may turn out to be fine.

Even though looking back at the time that I felt so desperate that no professionals that I've consulted seem to be able to help my boys to prevent further harms (the three therapists all confirmed that my mother-in-law was sexually inappropriate towards my sons but they don't know how to stop her), it seems to me now that simply my bringing up the issue with her and my willingness to take every possible measure as advised by many friends here is enough to put some brakes on her progressive inappropriate behaviors towards them. It's still a long road ahead. My H still makes me to take the kids to see her. But I'm trying in every way to provide them with a healthy social environment and help them to build strong boundaries. And of course, I'm there with them when they see her.

I've learned a lot from many of you, especially on this specific seductive boundary eroding type of abuse. YOU've definitely made a decisive DIFFERENCE for us! Thank you, and may good people be blessed and healed!

KT


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#365938 - 07/13/11 11:29 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe - Update [Re: Keeptrying]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Glad to hear the good news, KT. Just keep protecting them and keeping an eye on them. If you want more comprehensive therapy for them in the future, go for it. Hope things go okay for you.


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#366060 - 07/16/11 04:33 AM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
No sorry. You tell your husband and you tell a mandated reporter and she gets arrested. This is not okay. I don't care if it's his mother. It's not okay. This is how these grown men end up on here like my Adam at 48. Because somebody didn't want to upset somebody or make waves or whatever. They will book her, they will let her go, and they will make her go to court mandated therapy which is where her ass belongs and anti-sexual abuse therapy education. I have been through this in my own family too. There are gov't 1-800s you can call 24/7 and report her. Do it. And if your husband goes over there and decks her, which I doubt, you bail his butt out of jail. No judge is making him serve time for hitting a child molester. He'll probably get a ton of community service.


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