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#359937 - 04/16/11 10:00 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
Dewey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 137
Loc: the sunshine state
If you are separating then I reaffirm my suggestion to seek help from Children and Families. They will keep tabs on whomever has custody. Still hoping for the best for all involved! Dan

_________________________
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi3Hyxuf5AE

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#359949 - 04/17/11 12:22 AM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Dewey]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
Go to your family in china, take the kids.
They may be without father for awhile, but in china they will not be without family.

I make this as a suggestion but in the end you must make the decision, since I don’t have all the information. Even if you get custody of the kids his mom will have un supervised access to your kids during visitation if you stay. I assume, your family, and your support is in china.

_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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#360131 - 04/18/11 10:05 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hello KeepTrying,

As a mother of a son who was CSA'd at the age of Four years old, I feel your pain.

I brought my son to a licensed Therapist who specifically deals with very young children who have been CSA'd. I am telling you from experience that it is imperative for you
to take your children to a therapist that is trained to help them. By law this person will contact the prosecutors office as she/he finds out what the children are telling her/him. They are trained in play/art and many other therapies that will help your children heal as they expose their abuse at their own pace.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions.



My heartfelt thoughts are with you and your children.



Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#360144 - 04/18/11 11:58 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: didi]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
Dear Didi,

I read your posts about your son and nephew after your response, I felt heart breaking for them too. Thank you very for your advices. The questions that I have are: if the therapist finds out what my kids tell them, and they contact prosecutors office, will they interview my mother-in-law, the kids teachers, friends and caretakers? And the abuse and therapy will be noted in their files, right? I'm not sure what their grandma gets for what she has done, but all the social exposures seem to be traumatizing them more.

How are your son and nephew doing now?

Keeptrying


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#360168 - 04/19/11 08:11 AM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hello Keeptrying,

It is against the law for children's names and information to be exposed about this delicate subject if they are under the age of 18, therefore, social exposure is not a concern. I understand where you are coming from with this, trying to be protective of the children. CSA is not something to be ashamed of, it must be stopped and addressed accordingly. You must make the first move.

I am not sure where you live or what the protocol is for actually indicting or charging the Perp.

The boy's are doing well. They understand that they were abused, it was not their fault and it does not make them a lesser person. Flashbacks and Triggers do pop up and we address them as they occur. Thank You for asking.

Take care,

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#360266 - 04/19/11 11:56 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Your mother's instincts are bang on, listen close! Plus it is not healthy to live in such a state of daily terror, for you and for the coming child! Seek external help, women's center etc.

Best to stay away, till the issue is out in the open, and sorted. Meanwhile confide in a friend, and keep a diary to track daily insights. Might be useful later on.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#360346 - 04/21/11 12:18 AM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Morning Star]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
Dear All,

Thank you very much for your caring, support and advices, especially when you yourself and your loved ones have to deal with those traumatic experiences. For my sons, the good news is that I got alarmed early and sought for help by going to a professional and coming here before any possible further harms are done to them. The bad news is that without more serious harms, I'm not sure what Family and Children's Services will do to intervene. While in the meantime like Morning Star noted, I wanted to stay away. But my husband insisted taking them to his mother's house just as usual. I'll go with them for sure. If she doesn't let me in, it seems that calling the police is my only option. That means my kids will be so frightened when the whole family will be taken to the police station. She has assumed that I'll not call for my fear of scaring my sons. And my husband will accuse me and even tell the kids that I am the one who has caused all these bad things. I'll have a very hard time to explain to the kids what I need to do to keep them safe from a harm that is too difficult for them to understand at this young age.

I don't want to live in fear. But any protection procedure I am able to take like calling authorities seems going to turn my kids' life up side down. I did email my husband's business partner and his wife about what my mother-in-law has done with my sons. But I haven't heard back from them yet. My own friends are too nice to believe what a grandmother could have done to her own sons and grandsons.

I also thought about taking them back to my family in China, but my husband will be furiously against it and probably suing me for kidnapping if I do take them.

I hope my struggles and your help for me and my sons would make others to find better way to protect those children at risks before it's too late.

Thanks again, and take care.


Keeptrying


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#360352 - 04/21/11 02:18 AM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Dear Keeptrying,

You're making assumptions that if you seek help for your sons that it's going to be more harmful to them than being sexually abused by their grandmother and perhaps by their father and uncle too? These people have already taken control of this situation and the more you hesitate to do something pro-active the more harm that comes to your children and the more credibility you lose.

The best advise you were given here was from Didi, and she knows from personal experience. Take your sons to a licensed therapist who specializes in young children who have been sexually abused, a person with this experience will help you and the boys to become safe.

I really encourage you to get the help your boys need, please set aside your unfounded fears and do what is right to save your children and keep them from more harm. You are their only defense against this, 4 year olds can't protect themselves. You need no more proof of the ravages of childhood sexual abuse than the stories of the men here who struggle everyday. How are you going to explain this to your boys when they're here with us in twenty years asking why their mother didn't do something to protect them because she was too afraid to get help?

Gary


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#360419 - 04/21/11 08:59 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: 1.healing]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
Gary,

I know you and a few other dear friends have supported me with all you can. And I wish I could take all the pro-active steps to ensure my sons' safety. But the reality is that my T faxed a report to DFCS and I called them as well with a detailed account. The answer I got was that it was not abuse that the 4 year olds got butt naked and their grandma bath them. I've also tried to get a therapist for assessment but yet to be able to contact the one who was recommended by my T (the phone number she gave me was disconnected). The biggest obstacle is that their English is very limited. One can have a simple conversation, and the other can only say a few words. Didi, if you happen to read this post, were you allowed to be with your son when he went to therapies?

One thing really puzzled me was that many of you have come to realize your abuse and try to prevent it from happening to other children. Why did my husband defend his mother for the serious possibility of harming his own sons if he was abused by her when he was young (I only have my own observations and what he told me to support that he was possibly abused by her as noted in my initial post A1-A11)?

I'm not giving up, but I have few allies here at home. Even my own friends thought my husband as nice and generous and probably try to convince me that I'm overreacting.

The only thing I can do is going with my sons when my husband takes them. If I also insist taking them to somewhere else, how is the right decided?

Keeptrying


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#360431 - 04/21/11 10:31 PM Re: Keeping My Young Sons Safe [Re: Keeptrying]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Dear Keeptrying,

Thank you for making things much clearer, you hadn't shared with us that your therapist contacted DFCS and that you had called them yourself and that you have been trying to get an appointment for an assessment with a therapist for the boys. It makes sense now how nothing is getting done for you. Naturally it's got to be a frustrating and frightening time for you. I feel that way myself and others do as well, we all only want you and the boys to be safe. I hope you understand that we're very concerned and only want what's best for you and your family.

I'm puzzled by your husbands behavior too, from what you've told us of his mother's unusual behavior with the children, all kinds of bells and warning lights should be sounding in his head. I mean even if she's just eccentric and odd, you still don't want your children exposed to that because it violates their healty bounderies and teaches them it's OK for people to be inappropriate with them, and that really can be dangerous.

Why does your husband and Grandma behave as they do is anyone's guess. I don't know why, but like you it makes me uncomfortable and it makes me suspicious. As your name says so well you'll need to keeptrying and to also stay alert. And those odd behaviors of Grandma's need to stop. If a child's mother doesn't like that her children take naps half naked with an adult, or is uncomfortable with an adults comments about her children's genitals, then that behavior needs to cease instead of being defended. I'm sorry that you have to deal with any of this, and wish your husband and his mother showed more respect, maturity and appreciation for your reasonable desire for healthier relationships and behaviors from everyone in this family.

Gary


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